I'm Sadder Every Day...

[Sam]

My Dad died on January 17th. I'll be grateful, for the rest of my life, that his death was so peaceful and painless. That I was with him, holding his hand when he died. It was his decision to enter the hospice and forgo any further treatment which may have extended his life but could not cure him. I'm very grateful for the time I had with him and more grateful than I could ever express for the care he received at the Hospice of the Valley in Scottsdale. All that said, I miss him. I cry more frequently now than I did the weeks following his death. I'm more unsure that I said the right things and that I said enough to him about his decision to forego treatment while he was in the hospital. I don't know that he knew how much I'd miss him. I told him I would but I feel his loss far greater than I said I would. I told him, "Daddy, I'm going to miss you so much" and he said, "Thank you, sweetheart". But I should habe repeated to him a million times, "I love you Daddy, I'm going to miss you, I'm going to miss you, I'm going to miss you". God, I want to feel his presence! I want him to know what I'm feeling. Every day seems to get harder for me -- sadder, more tearfilled. His nickname for me was "Sam" -- he's called me Sam since the day I was born; no one else calls me Sam and no one else ever will and that hurts so much I feel crushed by it. When I think of the future, I have to remind myself that he won't be there. I'll never hear his voice again. I wish everyone reading this could have known my Dad -- I wish I could have met each and everyone of your parents who I know you're mourning (or you wouldn't be on this board). Thank you...

[MartyT]

I wish we could have known him, too, dear Sam. We are grateful that he blessed this world with you, and we are holding you are in our hearts.

[Sam]

Thank you, Marty. I cried so hard when I wrote my first post a few days ago and was surprised as to how much better I felt afterward. It's not that I haven't cried since my Dad died, I cry every day, but it was the expression of my sadness in writing something that others would read that seemed to help.

I'm grateful for this message board. The love I feel for me Dad is so alive and present. I never ever want that love to go away. My father was such a loving man, so generous and dear. His name is Dr. Robert Joseph Gauthier and I never, ever want the world to forget him.

I love you, Daddy, and I always will. Please stay with me...

[Sam]

I've been wondering if there might be a place on this message board for letters written to the loved one who has died... I know that is something they tell you to do, to write a letter, but might it not be better to post those letters? I talk to my Dad all the time but I also feel connected to him when I post on this board -- as though he's reading it. It's comforting to me to just write in a place where Dad and others can read, that I miss him and love him so much.

I love you, Daddy, please know how much I miss you... Sam

[TinaLMD]

Reading you posts, Sam, I was struck with how very, very blessed you were to have had a father like your Dad. It's so clear, even to total strangers, that he is so loved, so missed and so worthy of both. I know it hurts, I know his loss will be with you forever but so will his life and his love. Love cannot be destroyed. You were his little girl and the love a parent has for their child cannot be destroyed by death. It's here. I feel it when I read your posts.

I love the proud way you announced his name -- it will not be forgotten. You live, you're making him very proud.

I think your idea to have a forum where we can write letters to our deceased loved ones is a good one. Take care of yourself, Sam. Your Dad is with you.

[Pam7477]

I know exactly how you all feel. Even though I said "I love you" and "what a great mom you are" to my dying mom dozens of times, I kick myself for not saying it more when she was alive. I did tell her I loved her a lot, but is it ever enough? It was horrible watching mom die. Afterwards, someone gave me the book "Final Gifts." It helped explain a lot about what was happening. I couldn't understand why my mom seemed content to die and seemed to be distancing herself from me. She never called me during the last months of her life and seemed disinterested. Now I know she was getting herself ready to die. I had no idea losing a parent would be this tough, even under natural circumstances. She was 76 and died of breast cancer, but I still feel cheated. Now I'm no one's daughter!!!

[MartyT]

I've been wondering if there might be a place on this message board for letters written to the loved one who has died...

Dear Sam,

I agree with Tina that your suggestion is a good one. My only concern is that we don't want to have so many separate forums that it gets too overwhelming and confusing for our members and visitors. It’s very hard to know how just many forums are enough and how many would be too much. Even now some folks tell us they have trouble figuring out which forum is the "right" one for them to use.

The answer, of course, is that there simply is no rule governing which forum is the “right” one and which is the “wrong” one. Our members are free to post wherever and whenever they please, and wherever they feel most comfortable.

Unfortunately, however, the forums are set up in such a way that whenever a new topic is started by someone, the other messages already posted in that forum automatically get pushed farther and farther down the list. The risk is that, unless our visitors are savvy enough to go deeper into a given forum to find them, many valuable messages might simply go unnoticed and unread.

As an example, when I respond to a posting myself, it's usually because I see an opportunity to inform all our readers of something about grief that's not been addressed elsewhere on the board or on the pages of my Grief Healing Web site – but even then, there is no guarantee that every visitor will find and read what I have written.

Until we decide whether to add yet another forum to this Discussion Group, Sam, I’d like to invite you to use the Loss of a Parent Forum as the place to post your letters to your father – if you are comfortable with that. In the meantime, I will pass your suggestion along to our Discussion Group administrators.

I’d also greatly appreciate hearing from our other visitors what they think about adding a forum specifically for “letters written to the loved one who has died.”

Most sincerely,

Marty T

[The big H]

Dear Sam,

Your post has been here a while, and I am wondering to myself if you will ever even see this. I have come to this sight by chance tonight because I am hurting more now, 7 months after my father's death than I did in October. Your post made my cry because you said that you chose the name Sam on here as it was what your father called you. I on the other hand, was the big H.

I feel at times, that I am the woman who was sitting in the backroom of her job, on a cell phone, telling my father that I loved him, and that if he could hold on until I got back to him, but if he couldn't it was ok to go. It was at that time, that he took his last breath. To this day, I feel that I am still sitting there on the phone, while life is going on around me. My friends getting married, having babies, and while I do have a wonderful husband, and honestly could ask for much else in my life except for more time, I feel more lost as the days go by. I am truly having a very hard time understanding why I am being affected now so much more.

In six weeks, I will travel to Ireland with my sisters, husband and my step mother (Mutti) to follow through with my dad's request of having his ashes scattered over the coast of Killaloe. Maybe then, can I try to begin to get by a little better. Until then, I will wear my yellow LIVESTRONG arm band, and have the mizpah I gave him watch over me while I am in my car.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you peace, and understanding....the same as I wish for myself. Know that neither of us are alone.

The big H

p.s. I almost forgot, I have written letters to my father since his death as well, and while I'm not sure that I would post them, it would be nice to have that opportunity available.