It Comes At A Cost

[Susie Q]

I worry from time to time about the extreme up and down nature of 'my progress' through this nightmare called grief. After 5 months it's still less up than down. On some days I feel the pain in other posts and feel exactly how the writer is feeling. Other days, I feel better than they describe.

I am realising that the times when I am stronger and able to make some attempt at being a functional person again for a short time (things like being with people, returning to work, going back to my previous interests etc)are followed or preceded by really bad times. This was a revelation for me and helps me understand that I seem to draw strength from my meltdowns, which happen now mostly when I am alone or in the company of people I trust.

So the good hour/s come at a real cost, but the bad times help me have more good times. Weird perhaps, but it explains a lot and helps me accept that feeling overwhelmed and drowning in despair is not going to last forever. For me, understanding myself in this new world, is coming slowly. And it is helping.

[kath]

Hi, Susie Q.

There was a poem or a link a while back that talked about just what you described. A lot of people think if we are out and about and not flooding the place with tears, that we are doing better. But it is exactly those times of difficulty and pain and tears that we need to grow in this new reality. I sort of relate it to my kids. When they wake up with aching knees and joints, I know they are having a growth spurt (except those times where they snowboarded the day before:)

As I move through this, the down times become less cumbersome. I find I'm more accepting of myself and can allow myself the time to grieve, ignoring the timetables society places on us. I know it won't be as intense as it has been and I am finding the duration of the down times are a lot less, too. I'm really proud of you for being able to see this in yourself. It not only acknowledges your "normalness" but it shows that you are in touch with what you need. Having that interspection, will "permit" you to take care of yourself and to seek out those people that will best be able to hug you through it, without trying to "cheer you up" or "fix" what can't be fixed.

Take good care and thanks for sharing this with us.

Kath

[JohnG]

Hi, Susie Q.

Just this morning I awoke to a feeling of absolute gloom. I thought "what's going on here?! I've had two days of relative peace and happiness and now I'm back down again!". Your post this morning was a godsend, the good periods in my life are preceeded by episodes of absolute despair. I too notice that after these times of terrible pain I seem to gain strength from my 'meltdowns' and that they are not lasting quite as long. I'm able to bounce back, in tiny, almost imperceptible increments, a bit quicker and easier.

So even though today started out dismally, with the help of your words I now "KNOW" it won't last forever and understanding this helps me get through this grief.

Thank you so much for saving my day.

Peace and Love.

John

[Susie Q]

Dear John

Thank you - your post has now made MY day.I have had you in my thoughts often of late, hoping for some better times for you soon.

Your feedback demonstrates the incredible power of words and the importance of sharing feelings in places you feel safe to do so. The great benefit of this site is that others 'know'. I'm surrounded by people who care deeply about me, but they don't really understand the depth of my loss and the despair it has caused me. With best wishes...Susie Q

[Susie Q]

And Kath - thank you too. Hearing someone say 'I'm proud of you' has been missing from my life in recent times....Susie Q

[Korina]

SusieQ:

You have described how I have felt throughout perfectly. Thank you for putting it into words.

Korina

[kayc]

This is a journey of ups and downs...I heard it described as three steps forward, two steps backward...so we are moving in a progressive manner even while we are going backwards. That helped me understand it better.