Korina Posted February 4, 2010 Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 Well, I have had several bouts today of feeling really sorry for myself. Today was the day (Feb 3), one year ago, that Scott and I went to the hospital and I was induced. At the time I am writing, I was back home, watching tv, recording my contractions as the night progressed. And so on. Kailyn was born on the 4th at 11:58pm. I want so much to remember these 2 days with joy, but I just can't. Thinking about those 2 days, and today and tomorrow, I am just heartsick. And angry. Scott is supposed to be here!! How dare he leave me alone! I am mad at him and at God. I find I have been quite angry lately, when I start thinking about it all. And then back to being sorry for not saving him. And then back to the hole in my heart. And feeling badly for being angry; after all, he is the one who is dead... When he wasn't well, I used to check to make sure he was breathing when he was sleeping all the time. Now, I pretty much check Kailyn every night before I go to bed (I think most first time mothers do the same...). But I always think of Scott when I do. Bottom line, I miss Scott so much, and this first is both a first for Kailyn's birthday without Scott and just plain her first birthday. Double whammy. Almost as hard as Father's Day was, 2 days after he died. But then I was still in that numb but frenzied state. I am so grateful that my sister-in-law is flying out tomorrow, and that we are having a party on Sunday. It should help me focus on the good things, and prevent me from wallowing too much. Anyhow, I just had to get it all out. Once again, writing is therapeutic... Thanks for listening. Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted February 4, 2010 Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 ((HUGS)), Korina - I have no words of wisdom, just wanted you to know I'm listening. Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kath Posted February 4, 2010 Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 Dear Korina, Please give Kailyn a big birthday hug from MN! If it helps, I have the worst times on my kids' birthdays, too. It is a huge reminder of a happier time, when he was here, and at his most wonderful. The look on his face when we were holding our babies was reason for falling in love a million times over again. And his absence from their growing up is terribly missed. I try to imagine he is still here. Watching them when I can't. Seeing their hearts when I can only see their actions. My children believe he is always with them. On their birthdays, I tell them the story of their birth. It seems they never get tired of hearing about it. Bob and I used to argue over the details and I'd be shocked, saying, "Remember me? I was there, too, ya know!" Then we'd laugh and correct each other all over again. Hold onto his memory, but really enjoy today. I wrote poems about what my kids were doing at one year old. I gave Cailtin's to her dad for his birthday, but it is framed, hanging in our bedroom. And please, send cake pictures! She is adorable and I see both of you in her. Take good care, Kath Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kat2005 Posted February 4, 2010 Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 Give that precious angel a big birthday (((HUG))) for me. I know it is going to be a difficult day but just remember Scott is still with you and Kailyn in your hearts. I will keep you both in my prayers. Take care, Kat Would love to see some BD pictures Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JeanneC Posted February 4, 2010 Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 Dear Korina Happy birthday to your baby girl, Kailyn. Scott is also wishing her a happy birthday with tons of kisses. Love and God Bless, Jeanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Vickie O'Neil Posted February 4, 2010 Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 Korina, I'm grateful you are getting a visitor. They always help me. I remember how angry I was when my Dad dyed at age 53 & wrote a poen & part of it said How dare you leave me mortal bound, while you step out on brand new ground. Happy birthday to your precious daughter. Vickie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 4, 2010 Report Share Posted February 4, 2010 I hope you have a good time celebrating Kailyn's birthday. I know you wish Scott could be here to celebrate...who knows, maybe he's able to look in. What do we know? Hugs!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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