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First Birthday

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Well, I have had several bouts today of feeling really sorry for myself. Today was the day (Feb 3), one year ago, that Scott and I went to the hospital and I was induced. At the time I am writing, I was back home, watching tv, recording my contractions as the night progressed. And so on. Kailyn was born on the 4th at 11:58pm. I want so much to remember these 2 days with joy, but I just can't. Thinking about those 2 days, and today and tomorrow, I am just heartsick. And angry. Scott is supposed to be here!! How dare he leave me alone! I am mad at him and at God. I find I have been quite angry lately, when I start thinking about it all. And then back to being sorry for not saving him. And then back to the hole in my heart. And feeling badly for being angry; after all, he is the one who is dead...

When he wasn't well, I used to check to make sure he was breathing when he was sleeping all the time. Now, I pretty much check Kailyn every night before I go to bed (I think most first time mothers do the same...). But I always think of Scott when I do.

Bottom line, I miss Scott so much, and this first is both a first for Kailyn's birthday without Scott and just plain her first birthday. Double whammy. Almost as hard as Father's Day was, 2 days after he died. But then I was still in that numb but frenzied state. I am so grateful that my sister-in-law is flying out tomorrow, and that we are having a party on Sunday. It should help me focus on the good things, and prevent me from wallowing too much.

Anyhow, I just had to get it all out. Once again, writing is therapeutic... Thanks for listening.


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Dear Korina,

Please give Kailyn a big birthday hug from MN! If it helps, I have the worst times on my kids' birthdays, too. It is a huge reminder of a happier time, when he was here, and at his most wonderful. The look on his face when we were holding our babies was reason for falling in love a million times over again. And his absence from their growing up is terribly missed. I try to imagine he is still here. Watching them when I can't. Seeing their hearts when I can only see their actions. My children believe he is always with them. On their birthdays, I tell them the story of their birth. It seems they never get tired of hearing about it. Bob and I used to argue over the details and I'd be shocked, saying, "Remember me? I was there, too, ya know!" Then we'd laugh and correct each other all over again.

Hold onto his memory, but really enjoy today. I wrote poems about what my kids were doing at one year old. I gave Cailtin's to her dad for his birthday, but it is framed, hanging in our bedroom.

And please, send cake pictures! She is adorable and I see both of you in her.

Take good care,


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Guest Vickie O'Neil


I'm grateful you are getting a visitor. They always help me. I remember how angry I was when my Dad dyed at age 53 & wrote a poen & part of it said How dare you leave me mortal bound, while you step out on brand new ground. Happy birthday to your precious daughter.


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I hope you have a good time celebrating Kailyn's birthday. I know you wish Scott could be here to celebrate...who knows, maybe he's able to look in. What do we know? Hugs!!!

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