Just When You Thought You Had People Figured Out

[Sharon3]

As I mentioned in an earlier post today is my birthday...in 4 days it will be a year that my husband and I left for Puerto Vallarta and in 8 days it will be the anniversary of his sudden death....This month and this week has almost destroyed me as much as the first weeks and months did. Today my sister and a friend asked me out to lunch for my Birthday. Half way through lunch my so called friend asked "Has Johnny been gone 1 year or 2". She may as well have cut off my legs. I could understand if it was a question about 10 or 11 years but the 1st anniversary...how does somebody not know that and how do they ask that like they are talking about the weather....it brings me such pain that I can't stop crying about it and I don't even know how I can resume any kind of relationship with this person. The unintentional cruelty of people is sometimes beyond belief.

[kath]

Dear Sharon,

It is hard to believe that everyone close to us isn't on the same page. Really, how could a friend or family member not know???? While it is beyond our understanding, what happens is we are consumed with every moment, every detail, every day leading up to the tragic ending and they aren't. They are able to move on with their lives, with or without some recognition, but not nearly as intense as the roller coaster we've been put on. I think part of our new normal is seeing our grief as really personal, a solo journey. Your friends didn't know every nuance of your relationship, so of course they won't know every step of your grief, either.

It will be your decision to alienate those that don't seem to get it, or to keep them around for when you want to be able to step away from the reality of it. I'll be praying for you as you face this anniversary. None of it is easy, that's for sure. For myself, I wanted so badly to blame someone for the unfairness, I unintentionally took it out on those closest to me. One year is so very difficult. It is living with the finality that sets us back, over and over again.

It's true we rewrite our address books after a loss. I started writing mine in pencil. (It's easier to erase.)

Take good care,

Kath

[eldersister]

"It's true we rewrite our address books after a loss. I started writing mine in pencil. (It's easier to erase.)

What a wonderful statement.----and isn't that the truth. I started rewriting my address book after my dovorce. . But I also learned that some friends had very different notions about divorce, most of them brought on by their own experiences in childhood....and looking back, when my mom died, there was one incident in particular that was so odd, that I can only laugh now, knowing that my mom would have laughed too:

My mom died on 9/11/2002. One year after the tragic bombings in New York. At the funeral, a cousin of mine came t me crying, and said "Why did she have to die on 9/11, it would have been better if it wasn't that date. " I just looked at her and said "She has been in a coma for days, she had no idea what day it was." Then I just started giggleing. I couldn't help myself. All I could remember was once, maybe 20 years before, my mother remarking about my cousin "stupid is, as stupid does" --and there I was, at my mother's funeral, crying and laughing all at once.

All I can tell you, is that people do not think before activating their mouths.

2 months ago, when my brother died, same cousin came over crying, and asking "why did he have to die ?" I suggested she contact his many doctors to find out. I figured, I had done enough.

Be strong.

[Susie Q]

Dear Sharon

I hope you have a birthday where you are able to remember some good times amidst the overwhelming loss you will be feeling.

As for your friend, it's pretty inconcevable that she would not know, or at least have the sensitivity not to ask.

Real friends get over bumps, mistakes and hard times. If you can do that it will show you how your really feel about her.

[mrspapajohn]

Sharon - - Birthdays are so hard. I wish I knew something that I could say to make it easier. I also don't know what to say about a friend who remembers your birthday but not the date (at least year) of the single greatest loss of your life. Susie Q's response makes so much sense to me. Maybe it is a test of your feelings for your friend. If it is a test, I'm not sure if I could pass it. I hope you make it through today by finding some little bit of peace, maybe even a happy memory. I will be thinking of you.

Kathy

[DoingMyBest]

As for your friend, it's pretty inconcevable that she would not know, or at least have the sensitivity not to ask.

Um, I have to ask this question, and I really, really don't mean it to be rude... Is it possible she was trying to reach out to you? To connect with you? In some wildly awkward, insensitively delivered way? Perhaps by bringing it up she was trying to let you know she recognized his death would be hard on you at your birthday? I ask because I'm learning how difficult it is for people to bring up your grieving process - understandably, it is a challenging proposition for someone who's not in the midst of it, and who doesn't know what will be best (ignore it so you can focus on your day, or bring it up and recognize that it may be an unwelcome question, or a tearful question, or whatever). People don't want you to forget their losses, so how do you deal with the variety of coping mechanisms out there?

I understand how painful it was that she didn't realize this was your first year without (versus your second, which I'm sure will be soooo much much better [sarcasm, yes]). But who knows what's been going on in her life that would make her lose track of time, or maybe she's just not much of a time-keeper.

I'd rather have the friend who brings it up, and recognizes my loss, than the one who plays it safe and pretends the past never happened and is out of my consciousness. Even if she handles it like a bull in a china closet. That friend may just be the only one who knows, five years, ten years, fifty years from now, that my lost love hurt so badly it is still a daily part of me.

Hang in there. I can't even imagine losing my husband after a few days of marriage. Most people can't. You've gone through most people's biggest nightmare, and survived. Whether your friend is a clumsy supporter or an insensitive dolt, YOU are what's going to get you through this. I hope that on your next birthday you give yourself a gift for being there for you when you needed you most.

[Sharon3]

Thank you for all your words of wisdom and caring.............it all helps....I have come to the conclusion that I can allow myself a day here and there where I need to grieve alone. For the most part, the effort I have put into finding a new path has been good, in that I have made some new friends who enrich my life....but I am going to start listening to my inner voice. I knew I didn't want to go for lunch...I knew I wanted to be alone that day I am trying so hard to find a new life without my husband that I sometimes put myself in positions that I wish I hadn't....that Birthday lunch was one of them and it turned out to be a disaster. My intuition has served me well in the past and I am going to let it serve me well in the future. I still have some hard days ahead of me and I appreciate your posts...thank you.

[Korina]

Sharon:

I totally agree about listening to your intuition when deciding if doing A, B, or C is the right thing. I have listened to mine, and have not tried to force myself to doing anything I 'knew' I wasn't ready for. This has worked so far. And I also have to agree with ElderSister in that for myself, I far prefer to have people speak about Scott and to remember him, even if it might be a bit clumsy or possibly unintentionally insensitive, rather that pretend the whole thing had not happened. I think that would tear me apart. Even though I may be sad when talking about him, I cannot imagine not acknowledging his life, his impact on my life, his strengths and weaknesses, our strengths and weaknesses, and the wonderful person he was. He and I both deserve better than that.

Hugs,

Korina