Where Is My Dad, I Miss Him & Want Him Back

[niamh]

I am new to this forum although I’ve been reading many posts on it the last couple of months.

My dearest loving Dad died suddenly on 17th December 2009. I am beyond lost, lonely and empty. I am 35yrs old, single and still living at home. I am an only child and my parents are my world.Thankfully I still have Mom. Dad was my best friend, there are no words to describe how close a family we are. He was 65 years old, still working 5 days at week and just absolutely adored life. He had a triple by pass about 16 years ago and was on heart medication. I took him into hospital on Monday 14th Dec with kidney stone problem.Because they had no specialists in the hospital he would normally go to, I had to take him to another. Our hospitals in Ireland are in a cruel condition. He was placed on a trolly in the corridor of the A&E ward after 1 hour of being doubled over in pain. For 2 days and nights he remained there, in his day clothes on a drip. Each morning and evening he would be given (or have to ask for) some food, couple of pieces of toast and then told after to fast because they “might” do the procedure to remove the stone the following evening/day, that day never came. He went to the bathroom at 3am on Thursday 17th and just dropped. They spent 30 mins trying to resucitate him. He died of cardiac arrest. The hospital never once checked or monitored his heart, he was being given paracetamol when he asked for medication for the pain, eventually he would be given morphine but the pain was unbearable for him. Mom and I went to visit on the Wednesday night, he was scheduled to have the stone removed Thursday morning so should have been home Thursday evening. He was in agony when we went in to him, told Mom he was cranky, tired, weak and hungry and complained about the complete lack of communication in the hospital. That was not my Dad, he’s been in hospital before and never had anything but praise for everyone in there, not this time. Mom and I are angry with them, she saw his heart racing that night, he could only manage to change his shirt, not his pants and just laid is head back on the bed doubled over in pain. She was afraid to mention his heart to him or the nurses for fear of making him more frustrated. Now we wonder what if ..... Dad always believed “you never know the hour nor the day” and while I believe that, another part of me thinks and wonders what if they checked his heart, he had little clots from what I know ....so should they not have checked and if he needed that surgery, it should have been done. Maybe he’d still be here if he didn’t have that horrendous stress for 3 days stuck on a trolley in the corridor.

I know none of this will make a difference but I’m angry that he was taken so soon and so suddenly and at Christmas of all times. We loved Christmas, now it’s ruined forever. His Christmas presents are still in my car. This was my worst fear in the world and now I am living and breathing it every day. I feel like a new baby dumped out of the womb and being forced to transform and survive in this new world they know nothing about.Yeah I can walk, talk and drive but I'm stuck in a world I didn't expect to be in for another 20 yrs, Dad should have been here way longer, he loved it all too much to be gone so soon. I hate every single waking second of it. My friends have been great, no forcing me to “move on”, “get back to normal” or anything. They listen and support me and same for Mom and her friends. But truth is it doesn’t help, nothing helps because the one person who could fix this is the cause of it.....Daddy just left us all alone. I’ve been off work since but came back yesterday. Again work are extrememly supportive no pressure, good friends in here but again it doesn’t help. I just think I have to get up to go to work every day for the next how ever many years. Its like life without Dad is too long, too lonely and scary. The numbness is just barely wearing off and when I fully comprehend this reality I get little panic attacks, which are normal I know, they’ve eased a little, not as many now. But it just cripples me. It’s like NO what has happened to my life, how did this happen, how did it go from a perfect life to having it all snatched away in a split second with no control. (looking back I had nothing at all to ever complain about). I miss him so much, I can’t truly describe how broken my heart is and how much I hate life. Nothing has any meaning anymore. How can it get "easier". Dad is not coming back anytime soon so I just have to suffer through life without him. That will never be easier.People congratulate me on going back to work, well it's not an option, it's not by choice I did this. I would run out of here and never come back if I could afford to do so.

There are just so many feelings and emotions all get muddled up together in my head.

thanks for reading this, I don't even know what I want from writing this, what I expect, I just don't know anything anymore

Daddy's broken lost little girl !

[loulou]

You don't have to have a reason to post.It really helps to just release your story.I'm so sorry about your dad!That is a heartbreaking story.My dad was also my bestfriend,also he died of a heart attack on Jan 1st.I also have issue's with his health care and the behavior of the hospital staff.My dad had been put off by his dr. for months.He made appt. and they would push it back.He was at that office a few times and they would send him home without seeing the dr.and tell him to come back the following week.Needless to say he died 4 days before his appt.And his DR. had to sign his death certificate,then called 3 days later to confirm his appt.!Thanks for nothing.I also think my dad knew in some way he was to go,or he wouldnt have been trying to see his Dr. so insistently.It breaks my heart...it really aches for him.I know how you feel about work.I also want to quit because I just cant deal with people,and I work with the public.No one really understands me,except maybe the people on this sight.I'm comforted to know that there are people that are still hurting for their parents even years later.People who havnt lost someone they love just make me feel bad for still being out of my mind.Most days I would prefer a dark hole to hide in then face reality.Hang in there honey...It has to get better sometime.It helps to think that they are happy,pain free and stress free now.Maybe their only worry now is for us.I wanna hug my dad.I wanna hear his voice.I know you want that,too.I will pray for you.

[Kavish]

Sorry for both your losses, loulou and niamh,

I just feel that we have them in our hearts and that's where they will be. The circumstances that led to thier demise are worldly and the world can not be expected to be sensible. We can keep our loved ones in our heart and carry on.

Thanks,

Kavish

[annette85035]

I too know the feeling about lousy health care

And even though it won't bring my mother back, I tried taking legal action against those that were neglectful so atleast they wouldn't do the same to someone else.

But I was told multiple times by attornies that because so many were in the wrong,they would just point fingers at each other and no one would be held liable..

This doesn't help when you already feel you could have done more..

[Kavish]

I also know that they will always be there for us and know we did our best. They will forgive us. I feel stronger in my heart about my best friend, than ever before and love her just the same, maybe even more.

Kavish

[bflyrn]

I can relate. Some days I'm just angry that life is going on without my dad. I'm 32, my dad died after several strokes. I can't be mad about how dad died. He was at home, where he wanted to be. I even knew his time was short but now I can't fathom how much pain and emptiness I could feel at once. I took 3 weeks off work. I'm a nurse and I'm amazed I can do my job now. It's like i'm on autopilot because I do take care of my patients. I don't want to be there; a lot of my job reminds me of my dad. I see patients that remind me of him. Being a nurse I know I'm supposed to grieve. I know I'll eventually feel less pain. I understand that but that's not what I feel. I'm jealous of people that dream of their loved ones. Even my mom dreams of my dad all the time. I haven't. I would give anything for ten more minutes with him.

Bflyrn

[loulou]

bflyrn...I have had only 1 dream of my father and it did not give me peace.I don't understand why I don't dream of him.He is always on my mind.He is all I think about,so why would I not dream of him?I'm glad to hear you took 3 weeks off.I took a week and a half off and cried all during work for the first few weeks.I should'v took more time off,but I felt like I was taking it so hard,and that since I'm 29 I should be stronger.Silly me,I should have gave myself more slack.I wish now that I did.I couldn't handle being a nurse...being around the sick and disabled,or just having to face a hospital,wich I'm still scared to face even after a few months.you sound very strong.

[niamh]

hi everyone,

I am so sorry to hear of each of your losses loulou, bflyrn, Kavish,Annette... Life is just all so unfair.

I am back in work now for a 4day week for first couple of months and I just hate it.I don't know how to do my job anymore, it's all very overwhelming right now and scary.

Dad's car was taken back by the garage yesterday, felt like losing him all over again.I wake every single morning with the most horrendous ache and all I think is this is not changing, no matter how long I wait. You know when something bad happens in life, you feel horrible, depressed etc but it passes and you move on ....but that won't happen here, this won't ever change.Life seems so long. I only had him for half my life and its like the further time passes the further he is away from me.I don't dream of him either and I wish I did. I had 1 dream over a month ago that initially I didn't take any notice of until I told a friend of mine. I dreamt I came out of arrivals at an airport and he came up behind me and gave me a hug. I was all confused telling him we all thought he was gone but obviously he wasn't and I was so happy.I can't describe the pain when I woke.It just felt like a dream, I've read where people have dreams but they say they are really being visited and that you will know the difference.Well this just felt like a dream, nothing else. But my friend thought differently.....I was on 2 vacations last year with my Dad, just the 2 of us, (in previous years I've gone with both parents)and my friend figured an airport was our sacred place and that maybe it was him coming to me. But nothing since.I dont sense him around me at all and I long to.

LouLou, I'm sorry work is so hard for you.Right now I don't have to deal with public although in time I will have to deal with customers but not on a daily basis. I too want to crawl in a hole and forget about life. I wish I could fast forward it all.I know it's such an awful thing to say when there are people fighting for life but I just want to be with my Dad.I wouldn't do anything at all tho, would never leave my Mom but I just want life to go really fast.It all feels so pointless now. I am so jealous of people who haven't gone through this, I see them laughing, joking, happy out and I hate it. It's how I used to be but will never be like that again. Even if this gets less difficult (easier is not how it gets) I still wont ever be that truly happy person again.

I sit here watching the clock wishing the day was over, friday was here and only 1 hr has passed. I've never known pain or hatred of life so much

hugs to all

[loulou]

Hi sweetie,Im so amazed by our similar feelings.I was unable to read for the first 2 weeks,that's a testament to how truly undone I was,because I read alot.Anyway,after 2 weeks I picked up a book I already had,but boy,did it have a new meaning.It was Allison DuBois's book,don't kiss them goodbye.It gave me a little comfort.That is who I'm going to see...but not till august!I can't wait,but Im more scared that he wont come through.I don't know what I would think.I'm already trying to tell myself he wont,so I'm not disappointed.It seems to all come together.My fiance bought me and my friends to her tour.VIP tickets,so we get to meet and talk to her.After he bought the tickets,I researched her tour,I had no idea,but she is calling it "the family connections tour"and its for anyone who has lost a family member and is having a hard time..Hello...she said she is gonna read or bring through more people then ever.This all happened within the first 2 weeks my dad died.The fact I read her book,then found out I could go see her,not to mention,she lives in arizona,where I lived with my dad when I was little,and her b-day is on mine.I don't know...we will see.I'll let you know.My mother is religious and is angrey with me for even dabbling in this"evil stuff".I feel bad for making her mad,but Im 30 and want to find my own truth.She didnt even like him for the last 20 years,and I think she is a little jealous of how much I miss him.I have a small family too.My little brother and I are the only ones left on that side.And my dads girlfriend of 12 years is now getting cozy with my dad's bestfriend.I dont know what to do.Besides refraining from hunting her down like a rat.:huh:just kidding[kinda]