Dealing With The Loss Of A Brother

[jomamas]

Hello.

My name is Joe. I recently lost my brother Steve to cancer at the age of 49. He battled if tor 20 months before finally ending up bed ridden at a close friends house. I spent his last weeks there nursing him to his demise with the help of Hospice. It was an experience that I will not forget any time soon to say the least. His children were there as well & I was able to console them fairly successfully. I think that we all went away from that experience with remorse & I think that it has also brought us closer together as well (his children & friends that were present). I find myself looking for comfort in my siblings & his children & friends as well more so than my wife that was at work for the whole time that we nursed Steve. His children & friends end up bringing me to a place where he used to hang out with all of his & their friends & my wife is not completely on board with this. I try to stay away so that she does not feel hurt or like she is going to lose me to them but I am drawn in when one of them calls. I am in a kind of somber state as well as his death was only 2/16/10 & I have not had the time to deal with it. I find myself bursting out in tears when something makes me think of him. I am a little distressed at work as well & not performing as I would expect a co-worker to. I guess I have always been a little inconsiderate to the feelings of another person losing a loved one as it never struck home as it has with me losing my brother, I now have a whole new outlook. I could go on forever about the experience of losing him but I'll end here for now. I am a little concerned with my wife though. Should I stay away from my family & friends?

[loulou]

Joe,I won't pretend that I'm in a position to give advice,but I do want you to know that you are not alone in the way you feel.I felt compelled to be around all the people that my father was closest to at the time of his unexpected death.I also pushed away alot of the people that I was closest to.I'm still struggling with that.It has been a little over 2 months.Also I'm sure you are a huge comfort to his kids.[my dad was 49 also].So I can say that just being around you helps them feel closer as well.There is nothing closer to him then his brother!I was obsessed with being around my brother because he is alot like my dad and I wanted to cling to him.About your wife,that is where I don't know what to say,because I'm doing the same with people that love me.I will be curious what other posters have to say because I feel that Im behaving oddly when it comes to relationships.But you should spend time with your family if you need to,your wife may not understand,but like you said,she wasnt around alot at his end,and that is a traumatic experiance,and they went through it with you,so do what helps you.I dont see anything wrong with being close to them.

[annette85035]

Joe-I am sorry for your loss.

I would like to think that your co-workers realize what you're going thru as does your family and time does help.

I would say NOT to stay away from your family and friends-not totally.Your family is going thru the same grief as you,but each of you will deal with it differently,but you all need that support of each other in some manner.

[jomamas]

LouLou.

Thanks for your kind words. I don't know exactly how to deal with this either. I am attempting a balancing act to keep my spouse happy & my family & I comforted simultaneously. It is not easy because my wife does not like some of the people that my brother used to associate with especially the girls. She has never seen me show affection to another woman other than her & my daughters. My sisters & my brother's friends is a whole new scenario for her to experience. I am drawn to them how ever because they give me comfort. I'll try to keep posting as things transpire. thanks for replying to my post. Joe.

[jomamas]

Anette.

Thanks for replying to my post. I am hoping to get some comfort from the people on here that have experienced the same type of trauma that I recently have. My co-workers are fairly sensitive to my situation but never the less I am expected to perform at a certain level. I am not too concerned with that at this point as I feel that it is out of my control to a certain degree & I am doing the best that I can while at work. I am trying not to desert my family & come to some sort of a balance that my wife can accept. It won't be easy but I expect that as time goes by it will if they get closer to each other & we can all get the support that we need. I am not insensitive to the fact that my wife also lost a brother in law who she admired very much & her concern for my well being. I love her very much & don't want to put stress on our long standing relationship. We have been together for around 30 years but she is fragile now & has to come to terms that I am not the same person that I was a couple of months ago. Does that sound selfish? I don't know what to think about how I feel these days. I find my self breaking out in tears when ever & can't seem to focus. Thanks again for replying. Joe.

[pastmidnite]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss--nursing someone as they die is something that I found very overwhelming as well as something that I wouldn't have given up for anything in the world. The first few months I spent a lot of time reliving those last days and had trouble remembering life before that. I hope that you begin to remember the times before your brothers illness soon and finding some comfort in them as precious memories.

I have dealt with two close losses in the past few years with my partner. In those it was an added challenge and stress to figure out how to support my wife when she lost her sister unexpectedly in a drunk driving hit-and-run while maintaining our relationship. She changed a lot and needed totally different support/conversations for a very long time. I found that it helped to hear what was going on with her and to have her remind me that it wasn't anything personal that dealing with this loss had shaken all of her beliefs about life. Talking about things and sharing with me helped me understand what she needed and to respect it.

One thing that strikes me as something that you will want to be careful about it being honest with your wife and yourself about the comfort of other women and making sure that you aren't putting yourself in situations where the comforting might go in a direction that you would regret and that would really threaten your relationship. That doesn't mean you have to stay away from your brother's friends and family that bring you comfort, but that you have to ask yourself if you are feeling drawn sexually/emotionally to the women in ways that are worrisome so that you can make sure that you don't spend time alone with women who you are attracted to due to the pain shared and desire to get away from it for awhile. Again, this may not be anything that you are or need to be concerned about, but I know that many times I get destructive with myself when I am really sad.

I recently spent a short period of time dealing with my grandpa's hospitalization and death. I was the oldest granddaughter and was expected to take off and be at the hospital with him and make most of the decisions. I wanted that, but I also found it to be a lot of pressure. Now 8 months later I have been dealing with changes in myself and finding ways to talk to my wife about the different outlook I have right now. Some days I'm more successful than other. During the first weeks after grandpa's death being back at work was really tough. I found that talking to a grief counselor was helpful in that although it didn't change how difficult things were or how much I had trouble making it through the day she gave me some ideas of coping mechanisms for when I had to focus for longer periods. One was that she suggested that I keep some items that brought me comfort in a type of slow down and focus kit in the car and in my office so that I could smell, see and feel things that brought me back to myself and then put away the grief until I could get done what I had to at work and then get home.

I am still struggling with how to deal with the fact that as life goes one I have to continue to deal with the people that mean the most to me dieing....

I hope that you will find ways to talk to your wife and your family to support each other and that she will be open to talking with you and remembering that she has to deal with grief herself in a different way.

[jomamas]

Dear Past Midnite. Sorry you can't sleep.

Your right it is very difficult going through the nursing part but I as well would not wanted any one else there in my stead. I like you have been having a hard time not reliving it most of the time but it is getting a little easier as the days go by. I'll never forget the look on his face when I had to change his diapers or bathe him or administer drugs but I feel that he was a lot more comfortable with me doing it rather than strangers & he got to be in a house rather than a hospital. Sorry to hear that you had multiple deaths to deal with, that must have been almost unbearable.

I am being careful not to get too close to the female involved as as you stated that would only further complicate the issue & it is exactly what my wife is concerned with the most (I talked with here & got the real story) It is hard for her to see me find comfort in any female & I know that it is a natural reaction. I am faithful & intend to remain faithful to the end. One woman is enough for me or any man as far as I am concerned. It may have looked to my wife that we were getting too close & the woman in mention does not have the greatest reputation either. So keeping that in mind I am keeping my distance as best as I can without hurting either of their feelings.

I am still hurt & feel a loss that I know can never be replaced but life goes on, work goes on & love goes on. Alas I still go on. Wish you well dealing with your pain, thanks for writing me. Joe.