niamh Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 hi friends, I am still having such a crap time of it all. Called a friend on sunday night, no answer. She emailed me next day, she had been out (no probelm) and came home and got stuck into a tv show and was too late to call me after that. Wow, it hurt me.....the tv show was more important than calling me back. I've barely managed to be the first one to make any calls these last few months, I find it so hard to do. I just wait for them to call and take it if I feel like talking. Just made me sad....I wonder if people get sick of me being so sad, never feeling any bit "better" at all. I can't help it and I refuse to pretend things are a little better. Also waiting on an uncle to do some stuff for the lawyer....again he's being very supportive but the waiting all the time, wondering if he has it done yet, when will he have it done. If this was my Dad, nobody would ever have to wait, if someone asked him to do something, he would get it done ASAP, just always so reliable, there just isn't anyone like him. I've been wondering and questioning so much the last few days....I have such a need to know exactly where he is, what he's doing, what he looks like now but I know nobody can give me the real answer, it's beyond frustrating. Sunday and Monday were particularly horrible.....we like to believe and have faith that are loved ones are somewhere, happy, pain free and also with us and always watching over us ....for some reason that has brought me to this horrible question the last few days....How can my Dad me happy without me, how can he be happy when mom and I are in such pain without him. Even if he is with us, he still can't chat to us,have dinner with us, go on vacation with us so it's just not the same and I wonder how that could make him happy. Doesn't he miss us, miss being with us like he used to ? I guess we'll never understand until we leave here too. But it hurts me so much thinking like that. I don't want my Dad to be sad but I also want to know that he does miss us, it's just all so confusing.I just wish I knew for certain where is was. Daddy's lost little girl, xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kavish Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 Niamh, As we move on with our journey , I realise that we can only do what we have learned up till now from our dear ones, and now all the learning is left upto us. I know your daddy and my best friend and for all, they are urging us to not lose heart but be brave at heart. It is up-to us now to prove that their love for us will make us conquer all steeps and levels. Do your best, leave the rest up-to God. Regards, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jodo Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 Hi Niamh, I lost my Daddy 3 months ago today (Dec. 30th) Ive been trying to make a first post telling his story but it's not working, so I'll try a shorter version, He had a stroke on Christmas eve morning and never woke up and we had to take him off life support on Dec. 30th . There's much more to the story- We believe the hospital caused his death, but right now that's beside the point. I am lost and in extreme pain , Niam, I can relate exactly to each one of your posts - I don't know how to go on ?? Well, I hope I can talk to many of you on this site - I feel a little hope now because of all of you! Thank-you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted March 30, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 Jodo,I am so sorry,it's awful that we all just come to these forums now.everyone here is so nice and it amazes me to see others feeling similar to me.Don't worry about not being able to post full details,feel free to just say what you feel whenever. I still can't say the words in my mind or out loud,all I can say is I lost my Dad. Sometimes I feel so detatched from reality when I write here,i still find it hard to believe yeah I'm writing this because I'm really living it. Like you I just don't know how to do it. And though it's so awful for everyone I think there is some tiny bit of comfort knowing I'm not alone,there are others. People here are kind,we're all just doing the best we can. I had the 3mnth mark on 17th,truth is I didn't find it much harder than any other day,evryday is vicious. Hugs to you from another daddys girl (there's lots of us here) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jodo Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 Dear Niamh, thank-you for your reply ! I am really frustrated , Each time I start to type a post, my computer shuts down and I lose all my text I want so badly to talk with everyone ! Has anyone else experienced this ? Well, when I figure it out I will try again ! My heart is overflowing with pain and I desperately need help, and I know I will find it on this site. Love and hugs to all of you xoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted March 30, 2010 Report Share Posted March 30, 2010 Jodo, dear, you might try composing your post as a Word document first, then save it in a file on your computer, and then cut and paste it into this posting space. That way, at least you'll have the content of your post saved in case your computer crashes again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daughter2010 Posted March 31, 2010 Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Niamh, I hear you. It is ok to feel sad, but just remember that your father would not want you to be stuck, or not being able to move forward....our dads would want us to live life, follow our hearts and our dreams, be better people. I am sure that if your dad could be there with you, he would. Unfortunately that's not how things work. For me it is sad that my dad is not here anymore, but at the same time I have to gather up the courage and strength to keep on going. I am 100% sure that is what my dad would want us to do. If you at times find it difficult to do, just think of him and think of what would make him proud. We need to remember that parents are here to guide us, to love us, to teach us how to live, and whether it is sad not have them physically with us, they are always in our hearts, in our memories, and they are in a different dimension. Parents always want the best for their kids, they would want them to look up to the future, to learn to live, and enjoy life fully. I am not telling you to go ahead and party and just act as if nothing happened, but we all need to be strong, for our fathers, for our families here, and for ourselves. The road is not easy, but who said it was? Not a day goes by that I don't think of my dad, I cry and I feel sad but I also need to make sure I remember to do that would make my father proud. In my prayers I ask God to give me the strength, to comfort me, and to help me every day. I also ask, if possible to let my dad know how much I love him. As for your friend who didn't call you back, it could be for a number of things, which they dont matter now. Your friend may just be a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation because she may not know what to say to make you feel better, but that's ok. Don't take it personally. For myself I can say, my immediate response to grief and my friend relationships has been isolation. I just didn't feel like talking to them, as I have felt that they cannot understand my loss. They understand my need for space, and they are leaving me alone, but letting me know they are there for me whenever I want to reach out. So if I feel like going out for coffee or talk some I can contact them. My message to you is hold on tight, you are not alone in feeling the way you do but also remember your dad loves you very much and would want you to move forward, as difficult as it may be. Parents want the best for their kids. Your dad is not physically with you but his love will always be in your heart. Big hug for you, -L Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted March 31, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 thanks Daughter2010 you are so positive in the midst of all this pain. I am just nowhere near it ....truth is I don't know even if I want to be, I just don't care about life anymore. I am back to work now which I couldn't do for 2.5 months and I meet friends every so often and I feel that's as much as I can do. I'm just existing in this life, waiting for all time to pass by so it's over. My real life ended when he left as far as I'm concerned so now I just struggle on doing the minimum I have to do wishing away the days, weeks, years. I can't pray anymore, guess I'm too angry with God still for taking him from me so can't get comfort there either. still haven't heard from my friend and she is one of the most understanding, I've cried so many times on the phone with her and she's never been anything but kind. I'm trying not to take it personally and I just hope she's not just sick of hearing me say I feel horrible....she's too nice to think that I hope. now I just feel like I repeat the same thing about how lost,lonely and scared I am. I write to my Dad almost every night and get so mad that it's the only way because he's not sitting in the front room, I can't go have a chat with him. I still feel like I'm waiting for this to be over, that it will be ok like all other stupid "bad" things that happen, they end eventually and you forget about them but that won't happen here, comprehending that is soooo difficult. I keep having to tell myself, no matter how long I wait it just won't change. Had a really weird dream last night and Daddy was in it. But he was looking at his body as we (yeah us family !) were getting it ready for the funeral and he was opening his mouth saying these were not my teeth, they didn't look like that. His false teeth are actually in an envelope upstairs on the shelf he used to keep his heart medication on!! Was a weird one coz I wasn't crying or anything in the dream, was just with him fixing "his body" even though he was right there with me doing it. well enough of my ramblings for now and thanks again to all here ((((((HUGS))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jodo Posted March 31, 2010 Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Niamh - I know how you feel about just "existing", That is exactly how I feel! When I tell other people that-I don't know if I can go on without my Dad they just look at me strangely, it's like no one really understands. I, like you look forward to every passing day because I'm that much closer to seeing my Dad again ! Sometimes I wish I could just lay down to sleep and never wake up , I just don't have the energy to do anything ! You are lucky that you have a"real" job, at least it forces you to be with other people and takes your mind off of things a little, I work at home (I'm an artist-a painter) And I'm having a very hard time getting anything done, I just seem to cry ALOT ! I wanted to tell you to that I also have not prayed since the day my Dad died, and probably won't ever again ! What's the use ? Anyways, I know that alot of people find comfort in their faith and I'm happy for them, it just doesn't work for me. After reading this over I realize I sound so negative, I'm sorry ! I'm really not a negative person at all, I guess right now I'm just sad, angry and confused !! I will try to make my next post a little more uplifting and positive! Big Hugs to everyone ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loulou Posted March 31, 2010 Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Jodo,I know you are having trouble posting so I wanted to say hi to you.My father died on Jan.1st,suddenly of a heart-attack[maybe],so we are on the same time table.Im relieved that you and Niamh are at the same place emotionally.I feel very alone in my grief.Also,my mom has a strong christian faith,but my dad didn't.This is causing me to question all the things I so easily excepted before.I cant believe in the closed minded beliefs anymore.My mom told me 3 days after my dad died that he was in hell.I'm not gonna belive anything that dosnt feel right to me.I dont know what to think.I dont think you are negative at all.I appriciate it actually.I have been so angry and touchy.I think everyone is getting sick of my sadness.My boyfriend told me yesterday that I was doing this to myself!Like I try.No one understands.Except for all the good people here.xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted March 31, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Jodo, like loulou says I think we are definiely on the same page with this. You're not being negative at all just honest and it's the one thing I've decided I'm sticking to. I'm not going to lie to anyone (well anyone who knows me that is). So just post whatever you feel like, none of us will think it's negative coz you're probably writing straight from our heads too. loulou and I have been on here a few weeks now and there just is a tiny bit of comfort knowing someone else feels and thinks the same. Yep like you every day that passes brings me one day closer to Dad, there are just too many to go. I don't do much in work these days , I try and maybe for 30mins I get stuck into something then my mind wanders again.But even as I work it's there all the time. I found it hard to cry the last couple of weeks actually, I think it's a kind of numbness again like intellectually I know he's gone but emotionally I cant grasp it most of the time. My heart races every morning when I wake and is there for a few hrs, it's like a real nervous shaky feeling. From what I've read people go one of 2 roads with faith, it either gives them great comfort and they pray a lot or like us we question things to such a huge extent. I know I feel angry at "God" or whoever is up there and I've written some pretty nasty stuff in a journal "to him". so come talk to us when you feel like it, write what ever you want and we'll just go this journey together. hugs and love to you all Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jodo Posted March 31, 2010 Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Hi Loulou ! Thank-you for your kind words, It's great to "meet" you, I have read many of your posts and feel like we have alot in common. I am so sorry about your Dad, The fact that your Dad (and mine) died so suddenly makes it even harder doesn't it? That's sad that your mom said he's in hell, I'm not religious but I know our Dads are NOT in hell ! I really believe that the spirit lives on ! (do you ever watch ghosthunters?!!) I have had a couple of things happen that may be proof of that! I will explain in another post, now that I think I've got the hang of this I will try to make a "New topic" post and tell about my Dad and what happened, etc. I look forward to reading more of your posts, I'm so happy about my new friends! Peace, and Love to you ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jodo Posted March 31, 2010 Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Hi again Niamh ! I know what you mean about the numbness, The last few days I feel like I'm going through another round of "denial" ? The counselors tell me that's the way that it works (you think a stage is over, then it comes back around) also like you I get these frequent "panic attacks", It just makes me feel so helpless, like there's nowhere to run, no one that can help me! Well, the sense of relief I feel just having you guys to talk to is amazing ! I attend a support group where I live and it's great , but I think they may be tired of hearing me say the same things over and over, and not showing any signs of recovering ! It's great that you keep journals, and write to your Dad, I need to try that ! I'll talk to you soon, Peace and Love to you ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jodo Posted March 31, 2010 Report Share Posted March 31, 2010 Jodo, dear, you might try composing your post as a Word document first, then save it in a file on your computer, and then cut and paste it into this posting space. That way, at least you'll have the content of your post saved in case your computer crashes again. Hi Dear Marty ! Thank-you for your suggestion ! I tried using a different server, and it seems to be working ? I'll know for sure when I try submitting a longer post ! Thank-you for being here for all of us ! Have a great day, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loulou Posted April 1, 2010 Report Share Posted April 1, 2010 I also am going in and out of numbness.Yes,judo,I do watch all those ghost hunting shows.I love them.And I'm going to see a famous medium this summer,which I cant wait for.I want to believe in the afterlife AND god,but thats against my moms beliefs.[not mine]It seems like you ,Niamh and I are kinda like 3 lost little girls who found each other.I'm glad you found us.We are here for each other when the world dosnt seem to understand.I just keep thinking that Im weird for crying everyday still.Thank goodness for this site.Niamh and I love to say our daddies are up there talking to each other,guiding us towards each other.Let's say they have your dad shooting the breeze now too,guiding you to us so we can all be there for each other.xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jodo Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 Hi Loulou ! That's a wonderful thought- our Dads all hanging out together, My Dad loved meeting new people and talking to everyone, so I hope that's what he's doing ! You are so lucky to be going to see Allison ! I would but it's so expensive, I will look forward to hearing what she can tell you ! Well' try to enjoy your Easter, I will have a very hard time with it ( I used to color eggs for my dad EVERY year !) Hugs to you! xoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now