Angry All The Time

[alaynalynn]

Heya, well. To start off, my brother Jamie died the evening of Jan 12th, 2010 at the age of 30. He was my oldest brother and my favorite. He was hit by a truck and killed instantly. Jamie was married with 2 children but it was a difficult marriage fraught with cheating on both sides, drugs, etc. Right before he died he was fighting with his girlfriend on the side of a busy highway late at night. (Before he went, he told my other brother Chris that he was headed to break off his relationship with the girlfriend b/c he loved his wife.) Next we heard, he was dead. The girlfriend is a compulsive liar and a druggie. She told the police she was texting and didnt see anything. She told my younger sister it was his wife's fault for calling him all night and that he committed suicide. She started spreading it around that he jumped out in front of the truck, for various different reasons. My family still holds that she pushed him or provoked him in some way to run across the road (they were on opposite sides supposedly). There is so many different stories floating around that it hurts to even think about it. The hardest part is knowing that she will never ever tell us what actually happened. The 18 yr old boy that hit him had to go to the hospital for depression and he says he didnt even see Jamie, or his gf. At the funeral his gf was obnoxious and rude to everyone, despite the fact my mother graciously allowed her to attend. It's been almost 3 months now and it still hurts. I have one older brother, one younger brother, and three younger sisters. I fear to discuss it with any of them b/c I dont want to stir their grief when my own is still so fresh. My mom wont eat and is not coping well. My dad was not Jamie's dad. Jamie and Chris (2nd older brother) are from my mom's first marriage. My dad hates Jamie and Chris both. He hates Jamie's wife, who is now in rehab/jail. He hates Jamie's two kids, who are living with him and my mom and the rest of my siblings. He even hates Chris's dog! Ever since Jamie died my Dad has been ignoring eveyone and is gone "at work" whenever possible. A few nights ago he told my mother he wants a divorce. He is trying to kick her and Chris and Jamie's two kids out of the house. The funny part about that is that NONE of my siblings like him at all, except for my youngest sister, who is too young to understand. When they get a divorce no one wants to stay with him. Jamie had become like the father figure to most of our family. He always loved us and was good for laughs. He was my role model.

So now, here is my family. Broken over Jamie's mysterious death, and now being ripped again by divorce. I live with my boyfriend and our little girl so I feel seperate and excluded from the goings-ons at my mom's home. My boyfriend was a great help at first. His brother died a few years ago from cancer. But now I find myself less sad and more angry and frustrated. I'm angry at eveyone for everything. Dad for being a jerk and not caring at all about anyone but himself. Mom for not just slapping dad's dumb face right off. Jamie for leaving. Jamie for having a girlfriend in the first place. I get so angry I sit at my house and cry while there is tons of cleaning and dishes to be done. I have not cleaned fully since Jamie's death. Lately I rage at my bf and my daughter for eveything and anything. I've thought about counseling but I'm pretty shy and I've heard it doesnt help at all. I'm not a very good communicator, I never have been. It feels like I should be over this grief already. Some days it feels like I am. But then a guy comes into my workplace with a check and he has the same birthday as my brother Jamie and my chest is empty again. I feel helpless rage all the time. I have this crazy desire to break things and hurt other pple. I'm making life miserable for my daughter Lilly and my bf Justin. My relationship is on the rocks. The worst part is, I dont know how to stop. I've tried swallowing the anger and ignoring it, but then something little happens and I blow up. This is all so strange b/c I dont usually have a short fuse, or a violent temper. I feel empty and broken... like I'm sitting in a sinking boat and my paddles are floating away. I dont know if what I'm feeling is normal... ---Please no "God will take care of you comments" My mother is deeply religious and I'm sick of hearing it. If God loved us at all he wouldnt have done this.---

Thanks,

-Alayna

[missyme]

Alayna,

My heart breaks for you. Losing a brother so suddenly and so young is just wrong. I have many similar experiences to yours. My Mom is also having a terrible time - she barely eats and won't leave the house. I have never heard her feeling so down. I live across the country from my family so I haven't been able to be a physical comfort to them nor to be physically comforted by being with them.

I really think that talking helps....I am seeing a counselor and also journaling and sometimes it just helps to go somewhere for an hour and cry and tell the truth.

It helps to remember the happy times and to focus on how important it is to be a better parent to our children than we had and to focus on healing ourselves.

Hang in there....

Missy

[loulou]

I'm so sorry for your loss.How awful for you and your whole family.My father died suddenly in jan.He was 49 and my very bestfriend.More like a big brother.I have also been having trouble with my children,boyfriend,mother(she hated my dad and always said so.she even told me he was in hell 2 days after he died).I think of councling too,but I dont want to.I think I have a problem,but then again,how are we supposed to feel?My boyfriend was great for the first two weeks,now it's like everyone has moved on without me.I'm very lonely,confused on how to feel.I even cant stand anyone who I used to think was a friend.People are really clueless and selfish.I just had to share with you our similar feelings.Maybe because we are at the same stage?Our losses were close together,so maybe it's normal.(ha ha,I dont know normal anymore).take care honey.

[lauren77]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It's hard enough to deal with any loss, but adding other factors like the ones you describe in your family makes it so much more difficult. I can identify with a lot of your experiences, although not directly. My boyfriend of 3 years lost his step-brother, who was also one of his closest friends, when he was killed in a car accident last July. 5 years ago their younger sister died of cancer, and his best friend died of an overdose a few years before that while my boyfriend was away in the Military. He has lost so many people close to him so young, and it seems like he just can't deal with it. I don't think he ever really dealt with his best friend and step-sister's deaths and since his brother died last summer, it feels like he is angry all the time, or the slightest thing can set him off, even though he is naturally a very sweet person. He doesn't want to talk about his brother or how he feels about it, but he is also not a very talkative person. We spent a lot of time across country with his family to help support after the accident (his step-mom is also fighting cancer), and I feel like I have tried everything to help him through this. I tried talking, I tried just being patient, I tried helping with everything, I tried giving him space. His anger and sadness is really affecting our relationship because he won't deal with it or accept that it is a problem. I feel like he is really depressed, not just because of his shortened temper, but also because nothing seems to bring him joy, he is very moody, he is not motivated to do anything, he has trouble sleeping and all kinds of physical aches and pains. I have asked him to go to counseling, either alone or together, and he is very resistant. I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I don't know how long I can live like this. He says counseling doesn't work, and since he normally doesn't like to talk anyway, talking to a stranger is definitely not an incentive. So if it helps, what you are feeling seems definitely normal, but I say try the counseling anyway, it couldn't hurt and it will probably make your boyfriend and daughter feel better. I wish there was someway I could convince my boyfriend that it isn't weakness but strength to seek help. I just want him to be able to be happy again. It hurts me to see him so sad, especially since he can't see how different he is. I believe the ones that left us would wish us to live life to its fullest, to love and be loved, and to appreciate the beauty of the world around us while we have the chance. I hope you find peace and the answers you are looking for, through counseling or otherwise. Take care and don't give up.

[Daughter2010]

Hello alaynalynn,

Welcome to the forum and I want to tell you I am sorry for what you are going through with your brother's loss. I think coming here is a step in the right direction. You can vent or talk about your anger, your feelings. Even though I have not had a similar experience as yours, I want to tell you you are not alone in what you feel. From what you said about your family, looks like everyone is dealing with the loss in a different way for people that care and the ones that don't. As for your mother, it sounds she is so stricken with grief she may not even have the energy to snap or get angry at others. Please whenever possible encourage her to eat and take care of herself. About talking, even though you are shy, expressing your emotions, your grief, your pain can be helpful. You shouldn't have to carry that burden alone. There are times where even crying or talking to mom or people you feel comfortable with, helps.

We are here to support you in any way we can. Please feel free to come whenever you want, we all unfortunately joined this "club" not by choice, but I am sure it has helped all of us through out the journey a whole lot.

Big hug for you,

-L