Getting Sick Of People Trying To Fix Me

[niamh]

ok I'm on a roll today ranting about things. Maybe coz I had a pretty quiet last few days with not much contact with anyone but Mom.

I have a very good friend who's been so good to me through all this, I've cried on the phone to her, she listens and has just been great. She still is great but sometimes I feel she's trying to fix me a little bit now so it gets me so annoyed but I don't say anything. I don't want to hurt her, she doing her best. Last week she tells me to "have hope, know there's help there", tells me Dad would give me a bol$$$$ing if he knew I'd put my life on hold. That was all on email so I just didn't reply. The last thing I need is guilt thinking i'm somehow now hurting my Dad or disappointing him because of the way I feel about it all now. I can't help it and I know my Dad understands and I'm sure he just wants to be able to be there and help me (but GOD doesn't seem to let him.,...ggggrrrrr whole other conversation !!! )

On the phone recently she told me to just have patience with her because she will keep suggesting I talk to someone over and over, luckily it was just at the end as we were saying goodbye. Let it go please, I know there are options but just coz someone keeps saying it to me doesn't mean I will go. This is my grief and it's not stopping me from functioning on a daily basis, I'm just not the happy person I used to be and right now reversing what happened is all that will bring happiness which is not possible!

While telling someone else how horrible Easter was and how I can't be around people who are blissfully bubbly happy with life and putting it on full display she said "well, that's something you'll have to get used to".....she said it in a half apologising way. So I just said yeah. My real thoughts were NO, I don't have to get used to it, I will walk away and take myself out of any situation that I find too much for me. So, I won't be saying much to her anymore about how I really feel.

Sometimes I want to just say "you wouldn't have said that last Christmas when I lost Dad so don't say it now. Just because 3.5 months down the line, your duty of attending the funeral is over, it's far from over for me....it's really only beginning because now it's becoming more real". But I'll hold my tongue and rant here to my friends in grief instead.

Truth is nobody can really say the right thing because the fixer in my life is exactly who was taken. Nobody can talk to me the way Dad did and I guess that's what I'm missing. Lately when people react a certain way, say a certain thing all i think is Dad wouldn't have done/said this and that's exactly where the issue lies. I am just missing him and his support, he could always fix everything, always give me hope regardless of what was happening in life and he was the only one who could do it coz he was my Daddy.

another thing slightly off topic here is people making plans with me, saying they'll call for coffee, saying we'll go for dinner, saying we'll go for drinks and I say yes, I agree to it and then nothing, no cancellation, just no mention of it at all and I just can't be bothered bringing it up. I'll just know next time they ask I won't bank on it actually happening, I'll take it with a grain of salt.

So I know Mom is only one I can truly rely on now, truly trust 100% to be there, knowing she won't let me down.Just another thing Dad was good for (it's a never ending list really as you all know !!)

well thanks to all for listening to me and as always I'm interested in your feelings and experiences on the journey.

n....

[loulou]

Niamh,Iknow I just blabbed to you on our message board,but Im gonna say yes,I feel the same.About all of it.Except the person who is the meanest and most thoughtless is my mom.My friends started to avoid me after his funeral,and have since stopped talking to me all together.It's great to feel like you have done something wrong,when someone you loved with all your heart has been ripped away from you.<_<I dont much have energy to be hurt by all this,but I know deep down,this is changing me.xo

[Daughter2010]

Niamh,

I can understand how you feel. It is true that people just dont know what to say, I know they mean well but if they havent gone through the loss, they just wont comprehend what grief entails. This forum has been a tremendous help for me. I knew my friends would not understand my pain nor my boyfriend, so I chose to not talk about it with them. I withdrew from everyone. The first 4 months..I barely talked to my friends through text mssgs, and my boyfriend, he has been supportive but I dont want to burden him with my pain so I dont bring my Dad as topic of conversation. How I wished he had gotten to know my father, he would have met a great man, great person and great dad.

All I can say is try to get going, I am sure that's what your father would have wanted you to do. I am sure he understands how you feel but he would also encourage you to keep going, for him. I know it is difficult to do, but you gotta try. Remember your dad will always, always be in your heart.

Hang in there my friend, one step at a time.

Big hug,

-L

[niamh]

thank you so much Daughter2010 for always taking the time to read and respond.Yeah I definitely find various degrees of understanding now with friends who've been through and those that haven't.I'm sorry your Dad didn't get to know your b/f. I am single and have lost the dream of meeting someone coz now I don't have my Dad to "vet" him and give his approval ...he was always so great for the advice and I would never ever leave my Mom now, so if I did meet anyone it's a package deal. My Mom only said to me last night me coming home from work everyday keeps her going, knowing she's not completely alone so I'm finally thankful that I still live at home for once, always felt wow Im so "old" still being at home.There's nowhere else I'd rather be than with Mom (at least on this earth I mean )

yeah I do the best I can, I don't find I'm cutting my friends out at all for the most part, I meet those that live in my city and I do talk to those that don't, fairly regularly. I go to work and can do bits and pieces, it's slowly coming back to me (I've a technical job in computers so all knowledge went clean out the window these last few months). One of my good pals did tell me recently that she thinks I am doing great and she said that was what she sees looking in from the outside. So I'm doing the best I can. I just can't find happiness or hope or joy in any of it but I am functioning so for now that's as much as I can do.

I understand what you mean when you say Dad would want me to be happy and all that but it just isn't something I can make happen so for now I'm going to be true to myself and I know my Dad understands, that for now the new me is not the bubbly happy person I used to be.....maybe someday who knows, I don't and I will just take it one step at a time as you say.

thanks again so much, this site and people on here mean so much to me these days

hugs to you aswell,xox

[AussieMess]

I think what you described is what I am feeling right now too.

You don't want your friend to "fix" you. Sometimes we say things not for someone to give us the answer, but just to release those feelings.

I feel so very lonely in my feelings. I have nobody to confide in - nobody that will just listen to what I am going through - nobody that will judge.

Sometimes i just want to scream at people to just listen. I don't want anyone to provide an "answer" to something that really has no answer at all.

Have you thought of laying it totally on the line to your friend? maybe there is a verse or something that you can use to do it with. your friend has to realise that when you NEED to let it out, you are doing it for You not Her. In her mind she wants to help you, hates seeing you hurting but she needs to stop and think "what does my friend need of me right now? Does she want me to suggest a path to an answer, or does she just need to be listened to?"

Hope it helps. p.s. I will listen if you need to talk. Everyone needs someone who will just listen.

[niamh]

hey thanks Aussiemess, I see your new here, welcome to our world hun.

yep you said there just is no answer really and the frustration of all the we now question can be so dam hard. oh I hear ya on the wanting to scream too.

the funny thing is I talked to my friend on the phone the day after the email and she doesnt try to fix anything, she listens and allows me to let it out. No doubt I know people hate to see us in such sorrow but nobody can change it unless they can reverse what's happened (if only eh !!). I guess as I explain it to her in bits and pieces she understands she can't take away the pain or sorrow.

well you've come to the right place Aussiemess, we are all here to listen and share with you without judgement and without trying to change how you feel. I don't know your story but feel free to share it whenever if you like.

I find some comfort having friends here to walk this journey with me. so we will all rant and rave and vent and hug each other

hugs to you and thanks,

[Chai]

Dear niamh,

I can relate to what your post is saying. Hugs and hugs again to you. I think people do not realize at all how important it is for them to be supportive and just listen to us. This includes in our early MONTHS, not just our early weeks. I was around friends who have only known me for a couple years, during my few months, and while I cannot blame them entirely, I do blame them somewhat for not making it known when they were open to listening. I think if they had, I would be less of a clam about my grief now, at one year and 5 months.

All I can is take advantage when people do want to listen. And totally take advantage of this board, and anyone else who relates. I have one friend in offline life who had his mother pass on, who I talk to a lot on grief. It is really special to have someone to share with, even if it is sad. They understand. I know what you mean about Easter, Christmas, all that.

What really touched me even more on your post, what I can relate to more at my 1 year and 5 months, is what you said about your father. How he was the one to fix things. How he is the one you want to hear from right now. How he would known what to say. God I can relate to that! I feel like that about my father so much, too. I really wonder so much what he would say to things, and sometimes I cannot help compare people to him, and they come up so short in comparison. My dad, like yours, just had this...this special something, that other people can't nail on the head.

I hope that your friend lightens up about the "fixing." Or maybe just come out and tell her? Honesty is the best in all things, I believe.

take care,

Chai

[niamh]

thank you so much Chai and lots of hugs to you aswell.

yep I try to keep myself around just those that listen without trying to fix and I am grateful for them. 2 of my friends lost their Dad same day 4 years last Dec so they just listen and nod coz they've been there. Thankfully haven't really heard anymore on fixing last few days, she's just been there to listen and knows she can't begin to understand. With those I am not too comfortable with and those I'm afraid will carry on trying to fix I just avoid the question of how I'm doing, I'll jump straight in asking about them, maybe grunt something quick if they ask me but I move on from it as fast as possible.

I hear you on the comparison thing, there's been a few times when me or my Mom have asked someone's help on something.... something a man is needed/best for ( ) and yeah they help ...EVENTUALLY and Mom and I sit and think, Dad would have dropped everything in a heartbeat to run to someone who asked for his help, they wouldn't have to wait a day, 2 days and they definitely would not have has to ask a second time or ask for an update. Nobody will ever live up to our Dads will they and that's just such another hard thing to live with.

BTW I just read your about me section and your Dad sounds like mine, it's so funny, talking to people here and I see so many similarities in all our Dads. Someday I want to put some more info on my Dad, for now I can't, it would send me off in never ending convultions most likely.

AAAHHH I just need the answer to life so badly

I hope you keep letting us know how your journey is going Chai, you are a year or so ahead of us. I always look forward to reading what everyone else is feeling and going through.

so thanks again as always, xox

niamh

[nwnightowl]

Hi everyone, I am new to this thread. I am visiting from the pet loss section but can relate to what many of you have said. I have a friend who askes me everyday if I am better yet, after 4 days she expected me to have bounced back. It drives me crazy. No I'm not better, I'm so far from better I can't even tell which direction better is in. I just walk around the house like a zombie and cry. I can't remember who said it above but I feel totally alone too. I live with my dogs, whom I love more than life itself but there is a bit of a language barrier. I want more than anything to rewind time and go back to when my baby Harley was still here. I have no idea how to do this for the rest of my life. I did yard work today to see if doing something physical would help. It didn't, I found out you can cry and mow the grass at the same time. I just feel like there will never be a good day again. I really never knew the human spirit could endure this much pain and survive. I'm sorry to carry on, just feeling very lonely. I wish you all a happy beginning of May and I hope you each have a moment of peace some where in your day. All the best, Elizabeth

[byerkovich]

Niamh,

Yes....I can relate to people trying to SAY THE RIGHT THING or TRYING TO FIX ME!! It has been 37 days since I lost my Mom and I am still angry!! I miss her so much. Of course some friends will listen and let me cry....but it is my Dad who is the only person that truely understands how I feel!! Mom and Dad were married 48yrs. I am angry that we couldnt fix her!! I am angry that I was cheated....why did I lose my Mom (who never drank or smoked and always took care of herself) when there are all these abusers and menaces to sociaty that get to live!! People tell me "well at least she is in a Better Place"...no she isn't she should be here with me and our families!! When People say " Im Sorry!!" I say "ME TOO!!"

it really is true when People say you are never too old to miss your parent. I am glad I have my Dad. But my whole life has changed...I am not sure I am ready for dealing with that

big of a change yet!! Mom was not ready to go either!! I guess all you can do is keep your head up and time will tell!

[STARKISS]

Hi Niamh,

I can relate as well, I had people constantly coming up to me and asking me if they could do anything to make me feel better... Or telling me things are going to be okay... Or they are in a better place and away from pain.... I had many people constantly coming up to me and getting in my face and would not go away until I said I was okay or they just kept bugging me till I would have to run and cry somewhere... I am so sorry for all you are going through but I am going to send you a great big hug right now and hope it gets to you and wraps around you and know that I am thinking of you today.... If you ever need to rant to someone I am here for you and I am a great listener too... Shelley

[niamh]

hi byerkovich, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, cheated is exactly how I feel, I am 35 and just hate that I only had half my life with my Dad (altho I am hoping so much that God doesnt leave me here another 30yrs, I just want to be with my Dad asap but not by my own hand). my Mom is all that keeps me barely surviving in this world. all seems so pointless now. I just DO NOT KNOW how others find happiness again, my Dad was our world (I have no siblings so now it's just me and Mom). I just want out, I feel my life is over already but I'm still stuck here.

ugh just so sick of it all

much love, hugs and peace to you hun

niamh

[niamh]

thank you so much for the kind words and hug Shelley. I just feel so sick of it, sick of life without him. I don't know how this is supposed to get less difficult, my Mom and I find it harder and harder as it gets longer since seeing him. I found a Christmas card yesterday that my Mom had got for my Dad in the drawer, I nearly got sick. I wrote in mine and put it in with my Dad. Life is just SO LONELY and I dont see it getting any better. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.

sorry things are somehow extra extra hard this week. This time last year my Dad and I went to Italy on vacation for a week so its all that is on my mind, never having that again. This is just a cruel place now and I hate it.

hugs, love and thanks to you Shelley,

niamh

[tjwbrown]

Niamh,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. It does truly feel like your life will never be complete. I lost my mother in 2002. I thought that I would never be able to cope without her. Since she and my dad lived close by I was over there everyday. My boys grew up eating like field hands in my momma's kitchen. She was my confidant. I could tell her anything and she would give me words of wisdom. When she died I felt like a black hole had been left in my heart. The days seemed to blend and time didn't seem to matter. I just existed for the next 2 years. The saying does get old but it is true that time does heal. You will never really get over the loss but you learn to enjoy life again and the hole left in your heart is filled with bittersweet memories that will last you all your life. I used to see those hideous moomoos in JcPenny and would just have a total break down because that's what my momma wore puttering around her house and flowerbed. Now, when I see those moomoos I giggle a little as I recall my mom outside digging in the flowerbed in her blue flowery moomoo and green rainboots . It does take time but remember that when we enjoy life we are paying tribute to them and their wonderful legacy they leave in our care.

God bless you with peace and comfort Niamh. You are in my heart and prayers.

Tishira

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I am so sick of hearing they are in a better place or they can not feel pain anymore... I hate when people come up and say oh you poor dear how sad is it for you.... My mom died in April of 2005 and my dad died in August of 2005 so you see I got it all in double.... When my mom died people would say how sad it will be growing up in your adult life without your mom and when dad died they all said how said now where will you live and who will take care of you... You see I lived in my parents house until they died...Shelley

[niamh]

Niamh,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. It does truly feel like your life will never be complete. I lost my mother in 2002. I thought that I would never be able to cope without her. Since she and my dad lived close by I was over there everyday. My boys grew up eating like field hands in my momma's kitchen. She was my confidant. I could tell her anything and she would give me words of wisdom. When she died I felt like a black hole had been left in my heart. The days seemed to blend and time didn't seem to matter. I just existed for the next 2 years. The saying does get old but it is true that time does heal. You will never really get over the loss but you learn to enjoy life again and the hole left in your heart is filled with bittersweet memories that will last you all your life. I used to see those hideous moomoos in JcPenny and would just have a total break down because that's what my momma wore puttering around her house and flowerbed. Now, when I see those moomoos I giggle a little as I recall my mom outside digging in the flowerbed in her blue flowery moomoo and green rainboots . It does take time but remember that when we enjoy life we are paying tribute to them and their wonderful legacy they leave in our care.

God bless you with peace and comfort Niamh. You are in my heart and prayers.

Tishira

thank you for the kind words Tishira. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Yep I hear you on the black hole and time not mattering. I try to just take it day by day still, it's too much to process years without him. I think of things that used to make me happy, make me smile but 49% of those things I can't care about anymore and the other 50% will never make me happy coz they were always things with Dad, that little 1% I guess is when I do something for my Mom and see her smile, it's about all I care about now. Altho I can't take away her pain, I can do something to bring a smile if only for a few minutes.

Tishira, I just read your other posts. I am so sorry for the loss of you soulmate. I see how it affects my Mom and I hate the pain I see her in, much like I know she hates to see me hurt.

I do hope you can find out what caused it, I know it doesn't change anything, it can't bring them back but at least you will know. We had to wait almost 10 weeks for results and it drove us mad, here when someone dies suddenly there is no option but to have an autopsy so it's automatically done. I hope so much you can find something out for your own peace of mind.

thank you again for the kind words and prayers,it really means a lot to me.... I just cannot pray myself these days so I'm grateful to those who still can and include me.

hugs and peace to you

niamh