Loss Of My Mom

[EllenB]

Hi,

I lost my mother on May 18, 2010. My sister had her in her home with hospice. My mother was 88 years old. We lost my father in 2001 on May 8, 2001. His death was devestating but he did us a favor and died of a heart attack. A day does not go by without a thought about him.

When he died, part of my mother died as well. It also took a chunk out of me. In the past 9 years after his death, I have watched my mother's health deteriate slowly; she turned from a very vibrant woman to a very frail, little old lady, with a roaring mouth. The last couple of years, she could not walk and needed 24/7 help and she hated it. She felt that she was not her own, "man" and she needed someone to do everything for her. This was not my mother. Many times she said that she wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. Her existance was pretty miserable. Friends stopped visiting, family didn't show up as often as they should have. She was very lonely and all she did was look at the square box, the TV. What an existance. She lived in NYC in Brooklyn. My sister lives in Long Island and she asked my mother many times to move in with her, but my mother's stuborn nature would not allow her to take up my sister's offer.

Well, in the past month or so, my mother's body began to shut down. I live in North Carolina and I was in NY 4 weekends in a row. Hospitals today should be ashamed of themselves with the care they give. I was apalled, but I won't get into that. Eventually, we knew that my mother didn't have much time so we brought her to my sister's home and had hospice. I really didn't know much about them, but they are wonderful. They give you a book that tells you everything that is going to happen and this does prepare you somewhat about the stages of what is going to happen to your loved one.

My mother was coherent and unfortunally in alot of pain. We cried because we felt that we couldn't take away her pain and her suffering. Even through all of this, she told us how much she loved us, she told us that the reason she was diabetic was because she had 2 such sweet daughters and if she saw either of us crying, she would open her eyes really wide and tell us, "stop it, I don't want to see you cry!" which would only make us cry more. She saw her 5 grandaughters and knew all of them and told them how much she loved them. She saw all of her loved ones and recognized each one even on the day she died.

On May 18, we all had a feeling that this was going to be the day; we just felt it. We had given her alot of morphine, but she was awake a good amount of the time. About 11:30PM her breathing was very labored and my sister and I went in the room with her. I held her hand and she grasped mine. Her eyes stared into mine without blinking. Whenever my sister walked out of the room, I called her back, because my mother knew she was not there. I kept telling my mother that it was ok to go, you won't be in pain anymore, we love you so much, and you will get to see daddy and you mother and father. I rubbed her face, kissed her and so did my sister, and then she slipped away and passed.

It is now June 6. I still am having trouble coming to grips with this. I used to speak to her at least 4 times a day. My phone doesn't ring anymore. I have already had a dream waking up hysterical crying saying I miss my mother! I don't know what day it is or what time it is. I understand it is going to take time, but it still hasn't set into my brain. It just feels that something just isn't right in my life. She was so worried about me. She always told me, "you only have one mother and no one will love you like your mother". That is so true. I will probably say the same to my kids, 2 daughters 25 and 22, but they will probably act like I did. I think that we look at our parents like they will live forever and that they are our heros. But unfortunately, that is not true and this is the natural part of life and it hurts like nothing else I have experienced.

One thing though, I feel like my mother is around me; never felt that with my dad. It is not eerie or anything, but I feel her presence sometimes. I know that she is watching me because I have had some major problems at this time in my life and she was so very concerned.

On that note, I will end my story and I would love some words of encouragement or if I can encourage or support someone from my past experience with my dad, I am here with a shoulder to lean on.

I am Ellen

Thanks for listening.

[loulou]

Ellen,I'm so sorry for your loss.Both of them.I can't imagine watching someone you love so much suffer.Like you,my father died of a heart attack,and I'm thankful for that.You must be a very strong person to have been through that.Your mom was lucky to have you and your sister,and to just read of her last few months was heartbreaking.I agree with the hospital.I know this first hand.My dad and I talked at least 4 times a day,and his death has left a huge hole in my life.I know exactly what you feel by saying how much you talked and now your phone dosnt ring.The love your mom had for you and your sister is clearly huge.Isn't it hard to lose that love?I'm so sorry they are both gone.I'm glad you and your sister have each other to lean on.Your mom's passing is very recent.I'm sure your in so much pain.I think it's awsome you feel her presence around.I search every corner for signs of my dad.I never really know if I'm reaching or not.Your mom just wants to make sure you 2 are ok,because she knew how much you guys loved her.I just wanted to tell you I was sorry,and tell you that this site is great,and it helps alot.

[EllenB]

Thank you loulou. It is rough. There is some type of closure when you are with the person that just passed. It was different from when my father died. I have never felt his presence. I have had a few dreams, but not quite the kind that I would consider a "visit". I already have had dreams of my mother and a profound feeling that she is around me. This is hard to explain, but it feels like she is watching out for me or seeing if I am ok. I have alot of problems in my life at this point and she knew it and I think she is going to be around for awhile. It was explained to me that spirits or souls have no sense of time so if this is so, she will be here a long time. However, I do miss her presence so much, it is unexplainable and I am sure that you it. Thank you for your input.

Ellen

[loulou]

I wonder why sometimes you can feel some people,and sometimes you cant.I also ment to say,I agree with you about the hospitals.I hope you have a ok day.I know non of them are good.At least you can feel her around,and you know she is no longer in pain.I don't have closure when it comes to my dad.He went so fast that he was gone by the time I got to him.I'm sure he knows I love him dearly.If he is around,then he can see that I'm not at all ok.He can see how much I love him.Take care,dear.

[SHeiss]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. I wish I had words of comfort for you but all I can muster is that I am sorry and if you ever need to talk or just need someone to listen we are all here for you. I know I will have to endure the pain of eventually losing my dad and I will have to deal with hospice and him dying slowly and I am scared out of my mind for it to happen. Again, I am so sorry. I can tell you I Have found great comfort here and I hope it does the same for you as well.

-Sharla

[EllenB]

As each day goes by, I thought that it would get easier, but it is not at this time because it is still too soon. She passed on May 18.I am not working, but I will be on Monday thank goodness; too much time not doing anything is a curse. All I do is think about her and think about my dad. When I think that she is not here anymore, it sort of doesn't make much sense to me. I can't explain it, but it doesn't seem normal or real. I go to reach for the phone, but then remember that she's not there. Tears start at the oddest times. I just can't wrap my head around this idea that she is gone. It is surreal. I guess time? It's not that I haven't been through this before, but this time it feels different; it's my mother. My mother always always told me, "You have only one mother, and no one will ever love you like your mother does". I guess I took that for granted but, damn, she was right. All of you out there that still have parents, make sure that you love them while you still have them because you never know when they will be taken from you. I miss her so much. She was a pain when she was alive; she used to make me crazy, but that was her and I miss that about her. She cared about me and she worried about me. I see her in my head and can't believe she is not around anymore. I need to move on, but it is so hard. I miss her so much. This greif thing stinks and I don't like it and I want it to go away and live in peace but it won't let me. Thoughts fill my head all the time and cause me such pain; no one knows unless they have been there and feel exactly what I am feeling right now. The devestation is horrible and seems like it will be here forever, but I know that it will lessen in time, but right now, at this point in time, it is the worst.

Ellen

[nancyf]

Ellen, I could have written your post, except my dad died suddenly in December, 2002 and I lost Mom on April 18, 2009. You have articulated most of what I have felt and am feeling. If I can be of any help to you, please email me. I am so sorry for your losses and the pain.

[nancyf]

Sorry for inadvertently submitting your post again, then inadvertently doing the same thing to mine. Actually, I'm laughing right now, at myself of course, and it feels good. We had to put my beloved dog down last week and this may be the first smile I've had.

[EllenB]

Thank you all for all of your support. I am waiting for things to get easier. I know that time passes quickly, but doesn't seem to be going quickly enough for me right now. I will take things one day at a time and heal. It is difficult but on Monday I go back to work and I will at least have my mind occupied which will be a good thing. Too much time doing nothing is not a great thing. One day a time.

Ellen

[niamh]

hi Ellen,

I somehow managed to miss your post when you joined here, sorry bout that .

I am so sorry for the recent loss of you Mom and the loss of your Dad too, wow that is just so hard.I am so sorry you had to watch your Mom slowly get worse, I cannot imagine how difficult it is and just not be able to fix it.

Yep, takes a chunk out of you is something I understand.

Of course you are still having trouble coming to grips with it, it's so so early. I think no matter how "prepared" you are, no matter how much you "expect" it, when it happens and you lose a loved one, you are never really truly prepared for it that raw shock to the system.

I am glad you feel your Mom around you, I long for it so so much with my Daddy, sometimes I get mad with him because I don't but maybe it's just the pain is still too much so I'm blocking it. I have had a small few "coinicdences" and I guess it's never enough, I want more than a "sign" you know, I want to feel him, see him or something more concrete. I'll just keep hoping and someday hopefully I will post up here saying I had it.

I am glad you found your way to us and I hope you keep sharing with us,

hugs and love to you

niamh

[Aquarius7]

Hi Ellen,

I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom and Dad. HUGS! ((((((( )))))))

I could have almost written your post! I can relate to your feelings so much. I am here for you anytime you need someone to lean on. I lost my Mom who was and is my BEST FRIEND for all of my life (just started to cry at this moment while typing) on June 3, 2010. She was only 83. She too was at home in hospice. And on morphine.

My life will NEVER be the same without her! I miss her every second of the day! You are 100% correct in that some people taking parents for granted. So many people do.

I want to kiss her and hold her again. I want to hear my Mom's voice on the phone. I want to get a phone call from her. I want her to tell me to come see something on TV she knows I might be interested in. I want her to save me another newspaper article. I want her to save me another coupon. I want to take a drive with her. I want to hear her laugh again. I want to see her smile again.

We lived together. So you can imagine what the house is like now. It just feels different and I cannot get happy whatsoever inside this house, nor do anything with any enthusiasm, indeed if at all. But I love the house and wish to stay in it. Which probably won't happen as it will be in "the estate" and "the succession". I absolutely HATE those words and all that goes with them! It will probably get sold and then I will have to move out. My Mom's passing has so much fallout that it adds insult to injury. My whole life and lifestyle has been shaken up. I am finding myself wishing I had made different decisions when I was younger and it is ABSOLUTELY KILLING ME! It is too late now at my age.

I sometimes feel that my Mom was taken from me as some kind of punishment from God. People tell me this is not the case. I hope it is not. But it sure feels like it. It happened so suddenly and just a year ago she seemed fine.

All I do is cry. I stop for awhile, but it comes back within an hour. I can barely face anyone or go anywhere.

My heart has been ripped apart and my life changed forever. Everyone tells me it takes time and that it is "natural".

And that she lived a full and good life. Well, that all may be true, but not one word of it makes me feel better.

I JUST WANT MY MOM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!