Feeling Sad

[2sweetgirls]

Yesterday I met with some friends for coffee and a neighbor of a friend came over too. To make a long story short, she had an exploratory surgery done to repair a valve in her heart a month ago. She looks great and after seeing her and hearing her story (mom died of a leaking valve in her heart), I felt physically ill. I wanted to throw up!! Maybe mom was too old for a procedure like that or maybe it could have saved her. The thought kills me....

Tomorrow is my 40th birthday and I just can't stop feeling absolutely horrible that I won't be able to talk to my mom. I never thought that I would have to pass this day without her, my precious mom. It's just ironic, she is the one who brought me into this world and we can't celebrate together because she's gone to another world. Who cares about birthdays - 40 or any. Today is a gloomy rainy day here and I can't seem to pick myself up. My husband asked me what I want to do - anything special. I hate the "slipping back" days. I wish I could just keep moving forward.

Whatever, I just don't care...............

Thank you for listening, as always.

2sweetgirls (the only things that keep me going)

[Butterfly9]

Dear 2sweetgirls,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious Mom and the hard time you are having. I wish you a Happy Birthday even though you would rather not celebrate. I felt terrible on my birthday also. It just isn’t the same with them not being here. Picture your Mom holding a lighted birthday cake with a big smile on her face. She wouldn’t miss your birthday. You may not see her with your eyes but she is there. I talk to my Dad all the time. Talk to your Mom about things and she will listen. She understands what you are going through and how difficult it is.

We all have those “slipping back” days. It is normal. I have moments where I am somewhat okay and then it hits me again, like a big slap in the face.

Sending you a great big hug your way.

Take care of yourself.

Butterfly9

[benpm]

I know the feeling. I believe a birthday is a celebration for my mother, not me. What the hell did I do on that day other than cry like a baby. So my birthday's are hard. Last birthday I got completely trashed and had a pity party with my cousin who lost her brother two years prior. That same cousin is now dead herself. Don't know who I am going to have a pity party with on my birthday now, I got a few months to go till my 41st. Maybe you have someone like that to explode with on her birthday.

[loulou]

My sweet friend,I,too know how you feel.My 30th came 2 1/2 weeks after dad died.I don't think I even thought about my b-day.Ben is right.B-days are to celebrate WITH your parents.Without the person that brought you in to this world,to see you reach another year,whats the point?I'm sorry for your pain today.I can understand your feelings about your friends neighbor,too.I would have felt the same way.I see old people and get mad."Why didn't dad get to be old?"It's silly I feel that way,but that's how I feel.Please have a tolerable b-day.You matter to many people,and you are giving and special.I think your mom will be with you.love & hugs to you.

[niamh]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you 2sweetgirls. Birthdays are so hard hun, I had mine 2.5 months after and I just felt even extra lonely. I hear you when you say you just don't care. None of these holiday/celebrations times mean anything anymore to me.

oh I'm so sorry you had to hear that about your neighbour, I hate the questioning and the what ifs like that. I remember Bill Clinton had some blockages removed early in the year and I just thought my Dad was the same age, if he survived it my Dad could have if the stupid hospital had done their job right. It's so horrible when the what ifs come to our minds.

I hope so much your Mom can somehow send you some kind of sign or msg today, something that you will see or feel. I like to think she's having an extra large cake somewhere and for now just can't share it with you but she probably has her arms wrapped around you so tight. I keep trying to think of some poems I've read where our loved ones are actually closer to us now than ever before as hard as it is to imagine.

sending you an extra large gentle hug sweetie and lots of comfort to pull you through today as best you can do.

niamh

xo

[SHeiss]

2sweetgirls,

I am still very sorry about your mom. I wish I could make you feel better by some sort of magical words that we both know don't exist. I do hope that your birthday brings you at least some sort of joy to your day. I will be thinking about you!!! As always, I am here to listen if you need me.

Shar

[2sweetgirls]

Thank you all for being so loving and comforting.

Butterfly9, I am so sorry about your dad. The "slipping back" days are hard. I do imagine my mom with a big smile one her face. I see her face everyday in my 23 month old - it's ironic.

Benpm, you can have a pity party with us. We'll listen.

Loulou, I get mad when I see old people too. I thought that was just me.

Niamh, I haven't received any message regarding my birthday yet but, still waiting.

SHeiss, As always, I am here to listen too.

Thank you all again. I really needed the support and as usual, I can count on all of you.

Have a wonderful night.

2sweetgirls