Loss Of A Mother, But Not Through Death

[kayc]

Just some background...my mother has been crazy all her life, but now that she's 88, it's only gotten worse. She was extremely abusive to all of us kids, but I got it the worst.

When I came out of the bathroom at work this morning, I got a message from my coworker that my mother had called...she gave me a very sympathetic look...that should have been my first clue. (BTW, how did she ever learn where I work? I purposely never gave her that number). Anyway, I called her back to see what she wanted and she was horrible to me and told me she never wants anything to do with me again...ever! I asked her what brought this on all of a sudden and she said it's not all of a sudden, it's been coming for a long time. I said "you were fine Saturday and now this, what precipitated this?" She said because I don't want to listen to her counsel and she has no fellowship with me. ???? Huh? And she doesn't want the Bible I special ordered for her (it's non-refundable and has already shipped). I told her I wish she'd have told me that before I spent two weeks grocery money I could ill afford on it. I reminded her that she was in the loop about my ordering just exactly what she wanted and she was fine with it then. She said Mick is her only good kid. She said she doesn't want anything to do with me, ever, she's cutting me off, she wants no contact with me, and nothing from me. I said fine and hung up, nothing more I can say.

So this is what it's like living with a paranoid toxic mother who is very demented. I feel very tired, my IBS is acting up like crazy from the stress...it's not enough that my sister is dying (my mother doesn't want to see her either), and both my hard drives on my computer decided to quit booting up, and my phone quit working earlier this week, but now this.

All I know is, I can't keep doing this, I am 57 years old and I've been dealing with this mother all my life. It's always been hard trying to find a card for her for Mother's Day that doesn't out and out lie ("to the wonderful mother who's always been there, etc., etc.)...that's what prompted me to start making my own cards years ago BTW. 1 1/2 years ago a very toxic husband left my life...and now a very toxic mother has just left. I had no say so either time. I just know I can't handle the ups and downs of her mood changes, her declaring me good, her declaring me bad, acceptable, unacceptable, etc. when I haven't changed. I'm done. She won't let me help her, she's totally crazy and rather than deal with her and give her a true diagnosis and help, the doctors would rather just pass her along, appease, whatever it takes to move her on her way...and I truly understand, I do, because no one can pay enough to make this kind of person someone you'd want in your day, not even for five minutes. I'm left wondering why God saw fit to leave my mother living so long (she's going to outlive all of us just to torment us) and yet took my sweet husband George so young. Go figure.

I know there are other people out there that have crazy, self-centered, difficult parents, I can't be the only one. Most people don't talk about it. If you say anything, you are treated as if there is something wrong with you, how horrible, you must be a failure of a person, after all, everyone knows, mothers are not that way! Oh if only people knew...there are all kinds, they aren't all June Cleavers. But I don't have to worry about that anymore, I don't have a mother. Actually, I never really did.

[Guest Robert27]

I dont really know what I can say after reading this, other then I am so Sorry that things have been like this for you, and please I know its hard but your a better person then the way She has treated you, and you dont deserve to be done that way, like I said I dont know what I can say other then I am so sorry and that I care!

thanks also for adding me as a friend on here a while back too,You are a Wounderful nice careing person and I respect you and hate that your haveing to go threw this.

all I can tell you is I care and I'm Sorry you've had to deal with all of it.

[Guest Robert27]

Also wanted to let you know I use to go by Gamer205 on here, and had it changed,

that might help you remeber me a little better, recently had my username changed.

[loulou]

My whole life,(this is hard to write)I have had a weird relationship with my mom.As a kid,she would lay in bed for years,ignoring us kids,ignoring the house,my dad,her life.She said she was 'depressed' and I don't doubt that.My dad would cook,clean,and play with us kids.Around the time I was 10 my parents divorced,my mom got 'saved' and had a nervous breakdown about the same time.She went crazy.Those few years were a blurr of screaming and crying,complete chaos.I modeled and had a good amount in the bank.My mom took that $.I dont hold it against her,but I think about it sometimes.My dad took off for florida.Soon she met a man,and married him 3 months later,sent me to live with his family alone,for a few months.I ended up leaving when my dad came back,and lived with him till I was 16 and old enough to be on my own.Fast forward to now,My dad just died,and maybe it brought the worst in her,or maybe this is how she has always been,but she is so hateful,and mean.She is so jealous of my love for him,that she has been putting him down,me down,and saying the worst thing ever.She tells me he didn't love me as much as my brother,that I wasn't as close to him as I would like to think(thats not true,we talked 4 times daily,and told each other everything)She told me not to make him a mayrter ,that he was a bad guy.He is burning in hell,ect.She has told my fiance that I wasn't being a good mother because of my grief,(I'm a good mom)She has started calling my fiance behind my back,talking s*** about me(he tells me everytime).I could go on and on,but mostly I keep thinking of how toxic she is to me,and how I wish I could cut her loose.You mom sounds very hard to deal with,and I think sometimes blood isnt thicker than water.If she is mean and hurtful than maybe its for the best.It sounds like you did nothing to deserve this.Oh,don't listen to me,I'm quick to say goodbye to people,and it isnt a good thing.I know I should be more tolerant,but I'm so sick of being treated like crap.I just didn't want you to think you were the only one in this situation.Most people have lovely mothers who are supportive and there for them.Good luck to you.I hope she comes to her senses and begs you to forgive her.

[kayc]

LouLou,

It does help to know I'm not alone, that there are other people who have had crazy mothers. I feel sad but more because of the mother I never had than because I'm losing this insane person. If she tries to call and ask forgiveness I won't know because I'm ignoring her calls. She's crazy and desperate and I'm tired of her histrionics. I refuse to be bounced around by her drama and emotions anymore. I had a block put on the phone at work and am going to see about getting one put on my home. (The cell company wants $5/month for one on it so I probably won't on it, but hopefully she won't flood it like she has at work and home.) I can't think of anything positive I've ever gotten from this relationship except for what she taught us as little kids, everything since has been negative.

You have my permission to cut your mom loose too, whenever you feel you've had enough. After 57 years, I'm at saturation point. People who have a nice normal mom won't understand, they'll see me as unforgiving, intolerant, not respecting my mother in her old age. But then they can't understand, it hasn't been their lifelong experience. Any counselor would say we have every right to let her go. My mother cut off all contact with me ever, so I'm letting her live by it, it was her decision. I guess she shouldn't throw stuff out there without regard to people or consequences. Maybe it'll be a lesson she can learn for her other five children...but you know what? History tells me she won't learn, she never does. She is so full of hate and negativity. She got worse, not better, when she "found God" because He just became a handy thing she could use to lend validity to whatever she wanted to think or pronounce anyway. I have sisters that want nothing to do with God or religion because of her...and I tell them God had nothing to do with it, it's just her.

My mother told my sister that my BF is evil...he isn't, he's a sweet man and my best friend, very gentle, very supportive. Who knows what prompts her to say such things, jealousy? It doesn't even matter, I just want to protect him and my children from her poison.

My mother also told me my dad didn't love me, which is BS. My dad did love me, but he was alcoholic and ineffectual, weak-spined against my mother's tirades, he didn't stand up for me, but he did have feelings for me...IMHO, they both failed me but my mother is the harder of the two to deal with. My father is no longer an issue because he died 28 years ago. Well my mother is no longer going to be an issue with me either, all except the destruction she's left in her wake...that I'll have to continue to deal with in continuing to improve myself, learn, and heal. I have no idea why some people through luck of the draw, get parents that are such devastating failures, I realize it could be worse, at least she never murdered us, but that is of little consolation in light of what we've been through.

Good luck to you in your journey.

[loulou]

Your 2nd post to me has made me feel better then anything has for a while.I always have this guilt for feeling like I do,but deep down,she is too much to handle.I just can't deal with her.I feel like I HATE her,and the negative feelings are not good for me.I actually feel so relieved for you.GOOD FOR YOU.No one should have to be treated that way.My fiance always says that I should just tell her how nasty she is,and she will magically change.That is not true.I have built up the nerve to tell her recently to tell her how hurtful she is to me,and she told me that it was me,that I have changed since dad died,and I'm selfish.(IM GRIEVING for the parent I could count on!)So whatever I say to her,she turns around on everyone else.She is one of those people who tears down everyone she knows behind their backs.She bad mouths everyone she knows.But she is wonderful.Anyways I almost can't wait for the day that I dont have to cry and be hurt by her anymore.As it is,everytime I talk to her I end up crying after.I feel proud for you.I'm glad you made the decision to protect yourself,and you have helped me in a problem no one understands.Thank you.

[pastmidnite]

kayc and loulou--it is hard for me to put things in words as well, but I certainly understand how hard it is to live in a world with parents that have been abusive. I have found that people get really uncomfortable when they know, especially if I have any emotional reaction to the fact that my dad has always been really abusive and an ass and my mom spent years allowing us all to live in that horrible situation and then staying in it on her own for many years after. I'm glad you're allowing yourself to be done with the relationship with your mom.

My dad has ended up in a nursing home at a very young age due to a physical illness and I struggle with not visiting him or having much contact, but I can't want to. One of the nurses said that I should have as much contact as possible--I said something about how easily my dad gets upset and how angry/difficult he becomes when talking to me. She actually said No he is so kind and pleasant...I said something like, "well you didn't have to live with him, I'm glad he is nice to you and the people there." Other people don't get it...

I hope you both find peace. Thanks for letting me share some of my story here too.

[kayc]

Pastmidnite,

You are right, it makes others uncomfortable and they don't get it. How can they get what is not their experience? These people (our bad parents) put on acts to others that they can seem to turn on/off at will. Very aggravating! I think deep down inside of each of us is a knowledge of what we can and can't live with or do, and how much we can handle of it...we need to listen to that still small voice inside of us for our own well being. But we struggle with society's confines and they tell us we should be loving, patient, tolerant NO MATTER WHAT if it's our parent. But is that true? When they are abusive and even now continue the abuse? I haven't met a counselor yet that would instruct you to continue in abuse, withstanding more than you can handle just because that person happened to bear the seed that became you. Abusive parents have often received more from their children than was their just due. Like I said, I give you permission to cut them loose...it's all up to you and what you feel you need to do. As for the strangers that say they're pleasant, let them have them!

[kayc]

Well it feels weird to have a mother alive and not be able to call her or go see her and know that she doesn't love you and doesn't want you. Even at my age it's weird. I can't imagine ever saying that to my kids. Not ever, not for any reason...and the fact that she doesn't have any reason for doing this makes it doubly hard. Wow, I feel so rejected. Your mom, of all people, is supposed to love you.

So many times in the last nine days I've started to call her or go by there, only to remember...it's going to take a while to sink in. At the same time, I also feel relief and it's peaceful, not to have to clench my stomach, wondering what's next, what's she going to say/do, etc.?

It feels healthier to be done with it. And what's really sad is I know how close all of the rest of my siblings are from going through the same thing...and I worry about how she'll fare once she's cut all of us off. She's cut off contact with us before, but never before said EVER! There's a big difference between her deciding not to speak for a year, and deciding she's done with you forever and ever. (A year you can enjoy...)

I've tried to find forums for adult children with parents such as her but that's a pretty tall order, not sure it exists. I have run across ones though that had abusive parents, most of the responders were younger and usually it's a Bipolar Mother or Narcissist, but none with the multiple problems my mom has...they tell you to reason with them but mine doesn't have the ability to reason. They tell you to set boundaries with them but mine doesn't recognize boundaries. And her mind is so far gone. Maybe if she'd seen a therapist when she was young there'd have been some hope for her...but at 88, not much likelihood of changing. Still, I pray for peace for her, it's about all I can do. As for myself, it's nice having the phone ring and not having to worry (when I have company) what inappropriate thing she'll say on the answering machine, etc. I can actually hook up my answering machine again, yay! It felt sad when I sent her Bible back, but she doesn't want it because it's from me. That's another one of the consequences of her many disorders...she seems to cut off her nose to spite her face...a lot. Well I guess I really should just let it go...let her go...move on with my life. Seems weird but...

[loulou]

Kayc,I'm sorry for this situation.I know it hurts you.I know you know its not your fault,and that your a good person.No one deserves a mom to treat them that way.It is sad for her,when she will end up alone,but she has done it to herself.You know all of this.I can understand your mixed emotions.After all,when children are mis-treated and abused,they still love their parents,and want to please them.I dont know...I just wanted to give you some support,and tell you that whatever happens,or dosn't,you have gave her so much of yourself,and she hurts you.I'm emotional today,so I'm sad for you.i wish she didnt treat you this way.She is old.She should try to make peace with all of you.She owes her children that,but like you said,there is no reasoning with her.If you cant get what you need from her,then just protect yourself.(you know that)good luck to you. Another loss for you to mourn.Im sorry.

[Cheryl]

Hi Kayc.

My mom is also very selfish. When my husband died she was the only one who didn't get on a plane and come. She had all kinds of excuses. But the reality was that she would be uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. She let everyone else take care of my problem. Later when I told her how hurt I was to not have her by my side she acted hurt and rejected! I have decided that she will never change. I have no expectation of a mother daughter relatinship anymore. She will never be there for me. I will no longer expect anything more than casual conversation. Although she isn't as bi-polar as you describe your mom, I can relate to your frustration and sadness. There are just people in this world who have to have all the drama focused on themselves. You are wise to see the pain she is causing you and brave to be willing to step away. It is so hard. Cheryl

[loulou]

Kayc,as of now,my mother wont speak to me because I didn't want to watch her dog,so she can go out of town with her boyfriend.I had her dog all last week because she was out of town with her boyfriend,and the month before I had her dog at least 2 weeks,and the month before.Did I mention I have 2 small kids,a dog of my own,a cat,I'm pregnant,and work evenings,so that just putting that on to my fiance.Not to mention I'm dealing with emotional issues such as grieving and medication withdrawl.Had to pipe in to say that its unreal how selfish some people are.

[kayc]

I guess part of growing up is realizing what a toxic relationship is and then protecting ourselves from it...no matter who it may be. I probably would have continued being there for her the rest of her life, even though I've never gotten anything good from the relationship, just out of a sense of duty, if she had not cut me off. I am just holding her to her words. I feel so strongly that I cannot allow her to poison my life with her continual irrational changes and decrees...I'm just done. I don't even know at this point if I want to attend her funeral someday...I'll just have to wait and see how I feel about it when the time comes...one of my sisters told me she feels the same way. One thing I do have are amazing siblings, we will always be close...all the more reason I'm hurting right now, I have one dying and another one very close to it also.