Chai Posted July 10, 2010 Report Share Posted July 10, 2010 Dear friends, and oh what wonderful friends you are. I feel that you all, besides my journal, my spiritual teachers, and the trees, are the only ones that know my heart of hearts these days. You I share my sadness with, that no one else hears or sees these days. Lately I have felt such intense longing for meaning. This has been a reoccuring longing that I have noted repeats itself in my journal. I have been thinking about this longing, and what it means, and what am I looking for? I am looking for things that satisfy me and give me happiness. I am looking for discussion, of matters both shallow and fun, and depthful and serious. I am looking for things that make me think and feel intensely. I am looking for love, and to feel special to people. My father encompassed all of these, and ever since his loss I have noticed how much the others around me fall short. I know I should be grateful for a stable life, supportive friends and family, but...they express their love differently than he did. This is something I am sortof mulling over and thinking over (and being miserable over) tonight. I think I am looking for the same affection that I had with my father. Not that same relationship, of father and daughter; that cannot and I don't think ever will be replicated by anyone. But I really feel that my father loved with all of his heart. Or at least, he did me. He gave me all of his love. He was the sort of person who wore his feelings on his sleeve. He would say his thoughts and not hold it back. This got him in trouble sometimes, but he was innocent and childlike in that way. And, like a child, that quality of innocence was endearing and made him even more loveable. When I graduated, I was relieved. I thought I would be returning to an affectionate environment with family and friends. And well, they are, but it isn't the same. I wanted affectionate exchanges; I haven't really had many. My mother and stepfather have their routine, they follow it, and not a lot of deep feelings get expressed. My friends are busy with school and work. I know they can't help it, and they would talk if they could, or thought to, or knew I needed it, but meanwhile, I feel so lonely. I want it to be obvious that I am loved. I want to feel special and light and encouraged and peaceful, like I did with my dad. Lately, nothing satisfies me. Nothing. I just want people to smile and laugh and hug me, and to show me how they love me. I know it is fruitless to wish that everyone could be like my dad, but can't people just be a little more vocal and feeling? Why is the world of today so calm, so composed, and afraid of showing their feelings? I really, really wish people would ACT more loving; I know their love for me is there, but their way of showing it, well, they don't show it. Or it's just routine and I don't get much feeling from them. I feel just so miserable, missing the deep, touching, and obvious way of expressing love that my dad had around me. I don't even mean specific words or anything when I say 'ways'; I guess I mean, a certain feeling I got, just, I dunno, when you know that you're totally and absolutely loved. It feels so good and safe and on top of the world! He made it so obvious that he loved me, and he was not afraid to show it. I feel it helped me so much in life. Without him, I feel lonely, small, and unloved. Seriously. I almost feel like no one loves me. I know it's not true, but it hurts that no one can even show that they do. Even the daily "Love you"s with family feel hollow. I want to open this up to discussion so it won't be just counsel...although advice I would love...and, if you want to, sharing of ways that your loved ones (or you!) show/ed love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!Register a new account
Already have an account? Sign in here.Sign In Now