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1St Year Anniversary


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It is amazing to me that it will be one year in a few days that my loved one left this earth. I have had such a transition of my whole being this year. Not only did i loose my partner of 10 years, but I lost his family also. I have not heard from any of them for this year. Life is complicated. Life left over for the loved one who is left...sucks. Maybe I expect those who have professed to love my man, who were our friends, & his, to act like they care for the shell of the person who has been ravished by his death. I tell people that I am finding my new normal. What will normal be again? Will their be a normal? What is normal anyhow. Grief is such a powerful emotion. You have to belong to that exclusive club to feel & experience it. The Death Club. The club of the most unusual pains & cruelities. I now know what it truly means to be in a "fog". I know I have made many mistakes being in the fog...but maybe that is part of finding my new normal...Learning from my mistakes. Somedays I yell...why does it all have to be so hard. I walk everyday...my walk has not gotten any easier thi s year either. Why does it have to be so hard!!! I just want my path to be revealed to me.

I started a hospice grief group in the area where I live. I guess it helps. Everyone is in the same club.

i have so many life questions that had all been answered in my life before death. Now at 62 I am reevaluating every rock I have kicked in my path of life. This is not the way retirement is ment to be. The questions that keep coming up are the same: Why? Why? Why? This is not the club I signed up for...but yet I am in the Death Club. One year later..the pain is the same. Light & peace DA of the East Bay, Ca.

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It will be one year and one month very soon. In some ways, "Has it already been over a year?!" In other ways, "OMG, it took so long to pass by all those dreaded firsts!"

My heart continues to ache, but I am past the fog. The surreality and unbelievability of the whole thing no longer pervades my every waking thought. I have no choice because my daughter depends on me. But I have new worries on the financial side - I am now a single/widowed parent. I want to talk to him face to face, rather than how I have to now. I want to ask his advice on so many things, but I won't get an answer. It sucks, but I am surviving (and I am thankful every single moment for Kailyn - she has saved me).

Korina

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The first year anniversary brings up alot of different emotions, disbelief, sorrow, anger, confusion... I'm over the 4 yr. mark and still have many of the same questions (I'm a slow learner I guess)just stubborn. Still don't understand how to cope with the drastic changes his death left behind. One of his family members is close but the rest act as if I never existed. Seventeen years I spent with them, holidays, birthdays, summer cookouts, now not a phone call or drop by and I live 3 min. away. They just drive by. I'm sorry you are part of this club but am grateful you found this site, it truly helps to be understood. Deborah

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I'm just 2 months into this process today and can't believe Michael has now been gone from my life that long. I keep looking at the calendar and wondering why it hasn't got any easier. The pain is the same, the heartache the same, the uncontrollable sobbing the same. I want a magic wand that allows me to live. I want small things like just a day with only tears. I could never, ever, have imagined, that I would feel so lost and heart-broken. I logically understand, that I have lost not only my love, but the future we had and I understand that only someone who has felt this loss understands it. I spoke with Michael's father today and all I heard was it was "fate", "when your time is up, it is up" - he doesn't "get" my grief (not that I expected he ever, in a million years would). My friends and family "try", bless them. However, I know in my heart, it will be a long time before I heal and that time is just not today, won't be tomorrow and only time will tell me when... For now, I am grieving and only Michael could "fix" the pain I'm in and he is no longer with me... Thanks for listening, Deb

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It has been 13 months for me. It is so hard for me to believe that a year has gone by. It seems like yesterday that we were running to the doctor but on the other hand it seems like an eternity since I felt his touch. This past year has been so hard. The roller coaster of emotions has gotten the best of me at times but they do not consume me all of the time anymore. I am just thankful that I had 28 wonderful years with him (25 yrs married). The emptiness that I feel in my heart will never go away. I am just so thankful for my son. He is truly what keeps me going. I just wish his dad was here to see all that he will accomplish in his life.

Kat

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First of all let me thank you for responding. I did not know people wrote back. I was shocked to get a reply from u & another wonderful lady. I realize how much RJ's death has affected all of my life. His family's behavior I have found just despicible. Those of u who have felt the sting of the family ping understand how dreadful it feels to know that that little granchild that u feed bottles to & spent every holiday with r not a part of ur life now. I must b a slow learner also...cause I just do not get it. Tears flow like a waterfall everyday since his death. There is a constant lump in my throat. The aftermath of RJ's death has been unbelieveable. I wish I could miss the pain as much as I miss him. Light & Peace

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On the 13th, it was 6 months since I lost Michael. There is not a day goes by that I am not thinking of him, what we would be doing if he were here. My family and friends have been, and continue to be very supportive. Michael had no family here, and very little family anywhere, a sister, a former wife, both whom stay in touch. I am so grateful for the support, and am very lucky in that respect. It does not change anything, however, he is gone, and all our careful plans for the future gone as well. I have done a few things that we were planning. I have had new windows put in house, new siding put on, and a new porch on the front. I think he would be pleased, but the pleasure for me is dim because he is not here to share how great the house looks now. Life does go on, and I am struggling to go on, but I miss him so much. None of us ask to join this club, but we had no choice. His birthday is coming up next month, and I am dreading that, he would have been 63. A few close friends, who have also lost spouses this year, and I have formed a monthly support group....although we don't call it that. We meet once a month at each others houses, cook a meal, watch a movie, go to a play, and talk. It has become an important time for all three of us. We all were friends through our comunnnity theater, and knew each other and each other's spouse. We can talk freely among the 3 of us, discussing things that we probably don't discuss with our other friends. One topic a month ago was which is better (if there is such a thing), the way I lost Michael, no warning, massive coronary, or long time illness of cancer, the way Tom lost his wife. We agreed that for the one gone, Michael's death was the easiest on him, just gone in an instant. We are not sure about us, the ones left behind. I never got a chance to say goodby, or even see him after his death. Tom cared for his wife for months, however, he said they never really talked about what was happening, as they were both in denial. All I know is that we are all grieving, and no matter the way we lost our spouses, the big empty hole their leaving left behind will never be filled. We are all active in various organization, and we continue doing what we do, but the sadness and terrible loss is always there.

Praying for all of members of the club we did not want to join.

Queeniemary in Arkanas

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