Horrible Day

[WendyB]

Its been 8 weeks today, Been crying all day long. Cried all day yesterday.

I keep rethinking everything. I guess I've got the "what ifs"

What if we would have waited and given things a chance instead of putting the heart pump in?

What if we would have waited and given him a chance to recover longer before doing a heart transplant.

I can't believe this. Any of it.

[Korina]

I have the woulda shoulda couldas, the whatifs, the guilt, etc. I think most of us do. I am sure you both did the best you could and made the best decisions possible. Even at a year, there are days when I simply cannot believe this whole situation. I am so sorry for your pain - the days I know are terribly difficult, but what has always helped me is concentrating on one thing at a time, and getting it done. And sometimes that is simply getting off the couch. Go easy on yourself and keep coming back here - it really helps to know you are not alone in your pain.

Korina

[Susie Q]

Dear Wendy

I know the feeling of not being able to believe it. It is too much to take in so our mind refuses to - for a while.

It's close on a year now since I lost my husband suddenly to a cerebral haemmorhage, gone in a few days despite no previous medical problems.

It was six months before I could even begin to really comprehend what had happened but I am starting to have small patches of time when I feel OK and can share a laugh or a happy event - like the pain of missing is out of my mind briefly. The downside is that when I remember (usually a few minutes later) I feel that striking stab in my heart and the familiar chorus in my head of 'it can't be true' comes back.

I think it's my mind trying to adjust to the enormity of a life without him - it's going to take forever so I don't expect the pain or sadness to go away quickly. The most helpful thing a counsellor said to me was 'How will you live with the pain if it never goes away". She led me through thinking that I might have to accept the pain and learn to control it in my own way. I am starting to do that because I truly believe it will always be with me in some form.

We had no choices and I am not going through your agony of wondering if the medical path you chose was the best one.

Going over and over it in your head may be a necessary part of your mind moving you to a place where you can accept that you did what you thought was right at the time - and that's all any of us can do.

I wish you some comfort on this long, lonely and hard road. It doesn't get better - it just gets a little easier to manage.

[Queeniemary]

Wendy, I am so sorry for your pain, and second guessing decisions just makes it harder. My husband died suddenly in January of a massive coronary while I was in the hospital for a knee replacement. I keep thinking if I had the surgery a week earlier (as was originally planned), I would have been there, he would not have been alone, and maybe I could have made a difference. At the very least he would not have had to lay on the dining room floor all day until found by our daughter in the afternoon. Those who know about these things tell me I could not have made a difference, that he was gone in an instant, but I just wish I had been with him. Instead I was in a hospital bed in another town, 1 1/2 hours away, trying all day to reach him on the phone. As Korina said, the whatifs, the woulda, coulda, shoulda and the guilt can really prey on our minds, but it is what it is, we cannot go back and change anything. I keep thinking I should have seen signs or symptons, but he had none. I miss him so much, and it will still hit me suddenly that he is really gone, and it still seems so unbelievable! It is just so hard to imagine the world without him in it. His 63rd birthday would have been the 19th of this month, and I really dread that day. At nearly 7 months without him, there are days that I feel almost normal, whatever that may be, that I may laugh with friends, but in my mind, and in my heart, he is always there. There are also days I cry and still cannot believe he is gone, it is like one step forward and two steps back a lot of the time. Thank God for good friends and family. Praying for you and for all of us left behind in this grief and pain.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

Wendy,

I'm sorry for your loss too. All of the what ifs can drive us crazy if we let it. Just remind yourself of the great love that you shared and that you would have done anything for him if you could have and if you'd known what to do. Sometimes it just happens, I don't try to figure it out anymore. I'm sorry...

Kay