Feeling So Alone, Crippled By Pain

[melina]

Every morning when I wake up, it takes me a couple of minutes, and it all hits me. He's not here, he'll never be here again. We have to do the funeral/memorial on Friday and I don't know how I'm going to manage. I can't even think straight. I have my four kids here, but three of them will be going back to school in a month. The youngest still hasn't found out what he wants to do and will be at home. Plus there is our dog.

I should be glad there will be a son and a dog here with me, but really, I don't know how I'm going to take care of them. All I want to do is fill my body with sleeping pills, lay in bed and sleep. And forget.

The pain just seems to get worse with each day. Why? When will it lessen enough for me to cope? I can't even walk to the mailbox.

Melina

[David'sGirlStill]

Oh Melina,

My heart goes out to you. I have tears rolling down my face reading your post. I so remember being in that space. You WILL get through this. I don't know where the strength comes from but it does. Please keep posting and know we are here for you. Go easy on the sleeping pills.

Hugs

Phyllis

[Abby48]

i'm so sorry you are in this journey of grief.

my loving husband passed away 2 mos ago,i remember well planning his funeral

& wanting to stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head with the bedroom door locked.

you are blessed to have your son at home,sometimes the lonelyness can be overwhelming.

my prayers are with you,wishing you strength to endure.

angel hugs

[kayc]

Melina,

It takes so much conscious effort to grieve. It is the hardest task you'll ever do. But you have to work at it, every day. Get your feelings out, express them, journal, post, use art as therapy, take walks and force yourself to eat something healthy and drink lots of water...believe me, taking care of yourself will help put your mind in better shape than anything. Know your limitations and be kind to yourself. You can't do everything your husband did, but you can do some of it, and enlist the help of others anywhere you can get it. One of the most important and difficult things I had to learn to do was to try and find something good in each new day. That took effort! And some days it was a stretch to find something. But the lesson I learned while trying to implement that was to appreciate and focus on the good and positive. At the end of the day I found myself being thankful for a rainbow, a kitten at play, a puppy's kiss, a butterfly that flew by, someone who held the door open for me, someone who smiled at me, someone who let me merge in traffic, getting to see a herd of elk, to name a few. The point was, I had to LOOK for it. It also helps to keep busy, it makes time pass and occupies at least part of your mind. When we stay in and stay to ourselves and stay idle, it gives our mind too much time to work and it tends to focus on our loss. When you've reached the point where you no longer feel like a basket case (and it will happen), volunteer some time on others, it gets your focus outward instead of inward. In the beginning you feel "what's the point", but eventually you do learn to be grateful for life, even altered as it is. It takes much time and much effort. Try not to let that daunt you. Don't expect to go leaps and bounds at first, take baby steps, it'll all come, in due time. Remember to live for the living...right now you have children and a dog to live for...that is enough motivation to keep going, some people don't even have that. I got myself a dog 1 1/2 years ago and he is my motivation, I HAVE to earn enough to keep my home so he'll have a place to live. I come home at night and he is there to greet me, wagging his tail, wanting his walk and his dinner and played with...he is my joy and he gives me so much more than I could ever give him, he is loving and very entertaining and happy, I need that. You will find what works for you, our journeys are all different, we make different choices,it's up to us to figure it out with the help of all of these wonderful people here on this site.

[Ron B.]

Melina,

The ceremonies that we go through when a loved-one dies help a lot. Grieving together at a funeral service bonds people together in a collective kind of strength. For that time you are not alone in your grief; the burden is shared. That's what helps make the pain bearable. After my mother died last November, almost all of my closest friends and family came to the memorial service. Honoring my mother on that occasion meant everything to me. Likewise, honoring your deceased husband should help get you through this difficult time. So, keep yourself together as best as you can until the service. If you need help from us, from friends, from family, or from a mental heath professional, all you have to do is ask. Sharing and expressing your grief is the way to alleviate the pain.

Ron B.

[closs86]

HI Melina

So sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband on April 6, it is a very hard journey, but I am out of the fog now, and realizing the reality of the whole thing. It is a process, that is what everyone says, and we have to go through it, you will be o k, at first I didn't think I could go on, but the days and weeks go by, time just dosen't stop for anyone, Just try to talk care of yourself, try to eat, try to go out a little and see people,

take care

karen

[Cheryl]

I remember just hours after Mark died; telling my neighbor that I was going to have to go to a funeral, my husbands funeral. I thought I was going to vomit. I let family plan everything and I forced myself to go. I can tell you it was wonderful to see so many people that loved my husband and seeing the pain in their eyes helped me know I was not alone in my pain. My husband died in a tragic accident and there was so much shock. Our pastor said he had never had so many people attend a funeral outside of the death of a child.

My husband once joked with me that if he died I should try to get each person to put a $10 bill in a basket. He said, "They may not love me but they love you and they will all come, and you'll be a wealthy woman". When the church over flowed into the foyer I had to laugh. Where was that basket! Everyone loved my husband!

You will get through this. I think you will find comfort in the eyes and the hugs. The tears will validate your husbands life and the pain in the faces will make you feel less alone.

I cry tears for you as well. Cheryl

[Queeniemary]

Melina, as hard as it seems, sharing the pain with others at a funeral or memorial service does help. It helps to know others loved him and will miss him as well. When my husband Michael died in January, I was still in the hospital after having a total knee replacement. I planned his memorial service on pain meds, it is a wonder everything turned out, but everyone said it was a great tribute to him. He hated funerals, and never wanted one. That is why we did a memorial service. He was cremated. I had pictures all over the place of him in varying stages of his acting (we were very involved in community theater) career, and in family pictures. We had the visitation right before the service, and everyone had time to look at the pictures and remember him. The chapel was full, and overflowing. The people there that day were sort of roughly divided into 3 parts, family and close friends, law enforsement (he was a jailer by profession) and theater people and theater patrons. There was a picture in the paper a few days after his service, showing a long long line of cop cars, (state, city, county) winding their way to his service. He was well respected and well liked. He was loved by the theatre patrons and theater people for his love of the stage, and his expertise on the stage. Family and close friends of course just loved him for who he was, our Michael. I planned and put together the memorial program for his service, as I lay in bed recovering from the knee surgery. That and the pain pills helped me make it through the days before his service, and through the service its self. Our friend who owns the funeral home said the service was the largest they had ever had in the funeral home. Michael would have laughed....he would not have thought anyone would come. He had no idea he had impacted so many people. I am saying all this to say, that it really does help to know others cared for him also. I know the service was hard for you Melina, and my heart goes out to you and your children. I pray for peace for you, and some comfort for you in the days ahead.

Mary in Arkansas (Queeniemary)