Intense Desire To Remarry Asap

[Jennalee]

I feel so guilty for even thinking about this but suspect y'all will understand. I lost Ajay only nine days ago and ever since his death I've been obsessing about re-marriage. He was Indian and his best friend from out of state (who is also Indian) flew over to be with me during all the funeral planning and preparation. His best friend was almost as good looking as Ajay was and had the same dark skin, jet black hair, deep brown eyes and cute accent. All I could think about is how much I wanted to marry him right this very second. I guess I figure if I find someone else right away, I won't be lonely and the pain will be less. I know this is flawed in all sorts of ways. I feel so guilty for even daring to think about other guys with Ajay's death being so very recent, but I just HATE BEING ALONE!!! We didn't have any children so the walls just echo. I almost don't care who it is, just long as he looks similar to Ajay, has the same accent as Ajay and is as wonderful as Ajay. Is this normal or am I just a horrible person?

[kayc]

You aren't the first one to think along these lines, it's wanting to rebuild what was lost, but that can't be done. Please go read my story in "Loss of Love Relationship", there are two threads in the beginning of that section dealing with what I went through when I remarried to John. That should cure you of any such impulse. Mine is the example of what NOT to do.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Jennalee]

Thanks Kay! You've really been through a ton. I'm so very sorry! But you were right. I just got off the phone with a Psychologist who specializes in grief and she said desires to remarry immediately are 100% normal cause our pain is so great we wish to fill that void ASAP! It made me feel tons better and just addressing the issue has helped make that unrealistic fantasy fade a bit.

[kayc]

I'm glad you spoke with a Psychologist. If you contemplate such fantasies again, go to marriagebuilders.com and post your desire there...stand back and wait for the responses...they will be forthcoming, and they'll give you at least a million good reasons to think again. It takes time, lots of time, to know someone well enough to marry them. And every reason in the world is probably a better one than their looks. Someone can look just like your husband, they could be his twin, but they will not be him, they will be vastly different. It would be a recipe for disaster! It is nothing more than sheer fantasy. Fantasies in and of themselves are harmless, but if we dwell on them or allow them to cross over into reality, it changes things...sometimes the consequences can be longlasting.

I am glad you feel comfortable enough to speak candidly here. It's my opinion that it is healthier to express what you are feeling and deal with it than to keep it bottled up and never address it. It also makes others brave enough to voice themselves. That's what this forum is all about, and in so doing, we help each other through this journey.

[MartyT]

Beautifully stated, Kay ~ as always!

[Jennalee]

Thanks so much, Kay!! I have to be candid. I can't just sit around lying to myself. That's unhealthy. My desire to instantly remarry is nearly non-existent now. No one can replace Ajay. No one. I must accept that and move on. It's going to take time. Lots of lousy, annoying time, but I really don't have a choice. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. To think beyond that is much too overwhelming.

[Korina]

So glad we have Kay to provide such wonderful words of wisdom. For me, it was a desire to have another child, though I didn't want anyone's but Scott's (so really it was just a fantasy and somewhere, I knew that). One of the first things I read about grief was DO NOT make any big decisions (ie remarry, have a child) for at least a year after your loved one has died.

So here I sit, a year later, perfectly replete with our darling sweet (usually ) girl, realizing that one child for a single mother is huge financially, never mind more than one! I will always be sad that we didn't have more children (I love being a mom), but those are the cards in my deck. I am lucky beyond words to have Kailyn.

Korina