The Nightmare Will Never End On This Earth

[niamh]

Dear friends,

it's been a while since I've posted on here but I'm always reading. Welcome to any newbies, I hope you find some small comfort knowing you are not alone.

Truth is I've been a bit conscious of posting and just repeating myself. And although I know nobody can make me feel worse no matter what I read, for some reason I feel afraid of making others worse especially people who are new to such awful losses seeing me no "better" 9 months later.

So nothing has changed for me. This is the 9th month of this never ending nightmare and the pain and loneliness is with me all the time. I don't cry everyday but I am sad every single day, missing my Dad and wanting him back all the time. I feel I am in auto pilot most of the time just doing what I have to do, such as working etc.

I still hate waking up everyday to face into yet another day without my Dad. Coming home from work everyday, sitting at the dinner table with my Mom, the empty chair next to me is so painful. There used to be so much chatter at dinner, now it's talk of how hard life is,how much we miss him, sometimes lots of tears or simply silence.

I do meet friends although not as often as I used to. Part of it is that I simply don't want to leave my Mom home alone, although I know she doesn't mind in one way, she is glad when she sees me getting out but it's just me, I feel so tied to home. I know the same thing happened 4 years when I lost a very close Aunt suddenly, just the overwhelming need and want to be at home most of the time, now it's even more so. I guess home is where I feel safest and most comfortable.

I know people say it takes time and some say it's not time, it's what you do with the time, I've heard the cliche of finding a hobby, finding something to take interest in ........this just makes no sense to me. I won't force myself to do anything or "try" something I didn't care about 1 year ago when life was good and care even less about now.

I've also read/heard people say you find a new happiness.

For me none of this rings true. I honestly feel from the depths of my heart and soul that this is how it will always be until I am finally left out of this world to be with my Dad again. Sometimes my Mom will say she has hope that it won't always be like this, most times she says she just feels she will never be happy again, never have anything to look forward to again and that is how I feel. I truly do not know of anything that is possible in this world making me happy again (because my Dad coming back is not possible). I have sat and thought of the things that used to bring me happiness, I have sat and wondered if the dreams I once had came true now would they bring me any happiness, any bit of joy at all ......each time I think of something the answer is simply no, because most of those things I just do not and cannot care about anymore & the ones I do care about are the impossible ones like having a good old heart to heart with my Dad.

The best days, the happiest days are over and that is fact, now I just wait for the day I get to see my Dad again, that is all I look forward to. To have hope in this life, I think you have to want something from this life and I simply do not want anything anymore from this life. my Mom is my entire life now (no siblings) and everything I do is for her and I know that I am the only thing that is keeping her going and vice versa.

If others find some kind of happiness after a major loss, then that is good for them. I certainly cannot deny that for some people happiness does come again, some are able to reinvest in life and want to make the most of it. I don't believe everyone comes out the other side of grief, some that don't are not in this world to tell us because they have taken their own lives because it's been so bad. I simply do not believe I will be one of those who likes life again someday. Perhaps that is also part of my grief, maybe others who've come through also felt like me at some point, I really don't know.

I am under no illusion that it will change just like I am under no illusion that someday my Dad will walk through the front door, that is the depth of how I feel about this because I know how impossible it is for my Dad to walk through that door. I'm not even sure how to word this but I am "ok" with this.......because I know there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to bring my Dad back and so I have to live with that......... the same goes for being happy, loving life and all that.

Most of the time I don't think of the future, it's too painful and can be too frightening thinking of all the time that may be ahead without my Dad. I try to live in the now, the very moment I exist in because at the end of the day that is all we truly have. This is something I got from my Dad and it was losing him that made me finally understand how he lived like that. So I feel how I feel now, I felt the same yesterday, last week, last month and I simply don't think about tomorrow, next week or next year ........as much I can, it's extremely difficult at times but I try. If my feelings towards life change so be it, if they don't so be it aswell, personally I am ok with it.

I know in my heart that I am doing the very best that I can do and I hope my loving Daddy is somewhere close to me knowing this. He is not here to give me a little pat on the back and tell me he is proud of me, I am still here, still able to do everything I can for my Mom. Now I have to give myself that little pat because I do get up everyday and come to work and for those split seconds when that alarm goes off every morning, it feels like the entire world crushing down on my heart yet I still manage to get up, go to work and do my job.

I wish there was a fast forward button for life. I wish I could hibernate for seasons on end and wake up when it's all about to be over.

I do hope I have not disrespected anyone or upset anyone. These are simply my own thoughts, beliefs and feelings and as we all know our grief is our own and nobody elses and although we may find commonalities among us there will also be differences among us. So just because I feel this way in no way means anyone else will.

thank you from the bottom of my heart to every here for simply being you,

Niamh

[loulou]

Niamh,I'm so sorry for your pain.I know how much you miss him and long for him.I have been very sad lately(For 8 months...)but I feel very much alone.I have stopped posting for the most part,I dont know why but I'm lost for words.I read all these posts from new people and I want so bad to post and make them feel not so alone,but its like I'm all out of thoughts that make sense.Every thought is just a repeat over and over.I still cry my eyes out every single day.Is this normal?I still miss him so bad it hurts and cant believe he is gone.I'm very mad that I'm grieving alone.He was so amazing.I dont laugh anymore.I dont feel like anyone loves me anymore.My fiance says,"No one is gonna love you unconditonally (?)like he did"Isnt that sweet?This is what I deal with daily.I have learned to cry to myself.Not share my feelings cause no one really cares.Miss my dad like crazy by myself.It hurts,and I have never felt so utterly alone.He was always there for me.I have no answers for us.I wish I knew how to deal with this.I have been reading about being "depressed while pregnant."I fit every symptom to a T.How to fix it I havnt a clue.I'm here with you Niamh.I hope someday it gets easier for us.love ya

[MartyT]

Niamh and Lulu, I've just posted an article in our Latest News forum entitled The Choice to Heal: Five Insights. It is written from the perspective of a father whose son died seven years earlier, but the discoveries this man has made in the wake of his son's death are relevant to anyone who's lost a loved one. I encourage you to read it.

[Daughter2010]

Niamh,

Thanks for pouring your heart out and being honest about how you feel. I am sending you a big big biigggg hug your way.

As bereaved daughter, I understand how you feel. Aug 28 it was 10 months since Dad passed and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't miss him, or wished he were here. However, I also in my mind understand that is not possible, and the first thought that comes to mind is I know my father would not want me to be sad or depressed all the time, even though I feel that way sometimes.

Just the day before yesterday I was looking at some photos and notes that dad's acquaintances and friends wrote about him and it brought lots of tears to my eyes, as every word written brought to the surface many memories of him. I found that moment very special because even though it felt very sad, I also felt grateful for being able to have a father like him. I believe that even though he is not here physically with me, he is somewhere else and that his legacy lives on in my family, my brothers,mom, myself, and many others he met through his life.

I also think of if at the end of my life (whenever that may be), I realize I did not do much with it, dad would be disappointed to know I didn't move forward or at least tried to follow my dreams, ambitions, a bucket list...etc.

The road is not easy, and I am aware this process is unique to each one of us. I look back at the weeks that followed dad's passing and I wonder how I was able to function. This has been such a journey. I did not ask for it, nor to join this club but I also know that sooner or later we all have to experience this.

I have a photo of my family with dad included by my nightstand, and every night and every morning I look at it to remember him, to even say hi to him...as silly as that may sound. Doing this brings me some kind of comfort, also in my prayers I have asked the Lord to give me comfort as He said...blessed are those who mourn , for they will be comforted, and I keep going.

I admit getting my head together in terms of moving forward with dreams and plans has been difficult. The first 6 months I just couldn't get past the crushing pain of this loss and at times I didn't know who I was anymore. I am little by little taking baby steps in the forward direction which feels good, and I wish daddy would be here to share the excitement and joy and listen to his advice, but that is not possible. However in my heart I know he would be glad to know that we ( my family) are making progress little by little. Dad has always been a selfless person, always worrying about others more than himself and wherever he is I want him to be happy. God, and my family (including daddy) keep me going.

I know there will be sad days and difficult ones but I know I am not alone in this. I am thankful to God I found this place, I am thankful for my family and just thankful to know that the Lord knows about my pain,so I can be comforted.

I will say to you do not set your mind on how tomorrow will feel, focus on getting past today. For me what has helped me is giving my burdens, sadness, fears onto the Lord and keep going. I am sure your father wants the best for you Niamh. I will keep you in my prayers.

Please let us know how we can help you, and know that you are not alone....as there is a time to mourn, there is also a time to laugh....

Be patient with yourself, lots of hugs to you.

- L

[niamh]

hi Loulou,thank you for your kind words as always. I too feel like you do with regards to posting, like I have run out of words yet the other part of me thinks all someone needs is a small response of knowing they are not alone and we can share with them.

I am so so sorry for your pain of doing this so alone. Hun, I'm sorry your fiancee said that to you, that is a painful thing to have to hear. Lately I've been thinking if the day comes where I can tell stories about memories of my Dad I have nobody else who was his child to remember the childhood memories with and that hurts (not that I know if that day will ever come). But at the same time I wouldn't change being an only child for anything (well, other than my Dad coming back ). Like you I also have no answers but here's a big big ((((((HUG))))) from me. I cant even imagine how difficult this is with the added emotions and changes that come with being pregnant, you are such a trooper Lou, you really are. love you loads hunny.

hi Daughter2010, thank you also for your kind words. I certainly am with you being so grateful for my Dad, like I said during his eulogy, I am proud of the person I am because of him, proud to be his daughter and proud to have him as my Dad.

Believe me I often do think and wonder am I somehow disappointing him now because I am always so sad but then I always think of the man he was and his unconditional love for me, he always has and always will accept me for me regardless of whether I am sad,happy, angry, whether or not I get a promotion at work and so on.He always loved me no matter what, was always proud of me no matter what and if he lives on like I truly hope he does then I think he is still proud of me. That is why he is so great, because I could not ever disappoint him when he was physically here and I don't think I can now. The one thing he always instilled in me was to do my best and my best is all I can do. I have no doubt obviously he wants me to be happy and I also know that he is the one person who now completely understands me 100%.

I have yet to put a photo of him on my nightstand, I have one of me and my Aunt (who I lost 4 yrs ago)......I often think of getting a nice frame but I can't just yet, maybe it makes it too real as odd as that may sound. Often times I just think of my Dad as not being around right now or anytime soon.It does not sound one bit silly to say hi to him hun, I try to talk to my Dad too. When I visit him at the cemetery and I am leaving I always ask him to come with me and everytime I do, another part of me thinks, why do I even keep asking, if he lives on then he is always with me and would never leave me, even if I don't feel it ...YET !

For me personally I think work is causing me a lot of struggle at the moment. It was the one part of my life that should still be stable but it's not. Not in terms of losing my job but being forced to make changes, changes that impact my career and what I have worked especially hard for over the 3 years. my Dad was always so proud of me, he would "boast" in work about things I had done in work, he would do it in a good way, not a real serious snobby way if you know what I mean. So, when things would go wrong with work, he was my rock, he always lifted me up. What I am having to deal with in work now is just wrong and just makes me question everything so much, wondering can anything at all in life go right now. I have no control over these changes, I cannot move jobs, I simply have to put up with it. Yet I have enough already to put up with. A close family friend did say she fully believes my Dad is up there, sorting it all out ........my Dad always believed everything happened for a reason, I used aswell (besides losing someone to death) so maybe this work thing is for a reason ..........the reason is certainly a million light years away from me right now.

So, yep I absolutely agree with you Daughter2010, focus on today and even at that I often just focus on right now and that is something I also got from my Dad.

Please do keep me in your prayers L. I have always been a very spiritual person, although I don't attend church regularly I did always have a very strong faith. It has been shook to the core now and I can't pray. I have tried, I have tried just talking to God or whoever is up there and I just get angry so I do really appreciate it when anyone keeps me in their prayers. It has improved a little though. I had so much anger towards God in the early days that in fact I could not or would not even ackowledge him, now I'm just confused !! I get mad thinking of the week I spent in Rome with my Dad, visiting the Vatican, seeing the Pope, getting a blessing and throwing a coin in the famous Trevi fountain which is supposed to mean you will return to Rome again and here I am almost 9 mnths later without that possibility.

wow, so much rambling

thank you so much for just being there and taking the time to reply to me. You know I never really knew there were so many great Dads in this world , I wait for the day God explains this screw up of taking the good ones

hugs and much love to you both

Niamh

[jodo]

Hi Niam, and Lou lou ,

Well, I also have not been "posting" for a long while, I too feel like I don't know what to say anymore. My pain is just as severe as it was 8 months ago. I was reading something Marty posted the other day about "complicated grief" I really believe I have all those symptoms, and I really need help. I still cry everyday. Well, there's nothing else I can say. I Love you guys, and this site is one of the only things that keeps me going. Love and peace to all of you here. Jodi

[niamh]

Niamh and Lulu, I've just posted an article in our Latest News forum entitled The Choice to Heal: Five Insights. It is written from the perspective of a father whose son died seven years earlier, but the discoveries this man has made in the wake of his son's death are relevant to anyone who's lost a loved one. I encourage you to read it.

thank you as always Marty for taking the time to post articles etc around other people's experiences with grief. I have read it as I do any relevant recommendations.

I have become interested in reading about grief and about research done or on going, it started out as just research to understand what was happening to me, my body, my mind and now I have a very good understanding of my own personal grief. That has not stopped me reading about it though because I do have an interest in it now, in how society "deals" with it and so on.

Something has been catching my attention lately in books I've read, articles such as this, other information online regarding grief and I simply post my thoughts here as nothing but a point of discussion if anyone is interested. As always these are simply my own personal thoughts because of my own grief and loss and maybe these thoughts are only because of where I myself am with my grief.

I certainly don't mean this to be a negative post knocking anything, perhaps I am being devil's advocate because sometimes I feel I am the exception to any grief "rules" (I use the term very loosely) (ok enough justifying)

I read each insight in this article and with some I agree to a certan extent other parts I don't agree with. I've read a lot with regards to be "stuck" in grief and this is also something I tend to disagree with. What I have noticed is in some of the books I have read and this article is that the griever has had an extrememly difficult time of sadness, despair, lack of hope etc for several years (14 years in the case in one particular book).

The one day something happens with this person, there is some sort of change that occurs after a particular conversation or an incident, whatever has happened it has caused a change in the person's way of thinking, of looking at the world,reflecting on their loss. This change has become a positive one and leads to the person reinvesting in life again, finding some sort of real peace with what has happened and thus follows a form of happiness again. Of course we all like to share our stories and more than anything isn't it fundamental to most humans to want to help others in despair ? So, a book is published, articles are written, seminars are held and so on. I have no problem with any of this, information is power and if any of it helps even one person then job well done.

Here is where I question a lot of this. Each of these people had their personal journey through the dark grief tunnel and eventually found some light at the other end, strived to walk towards that light and made it there eventually and then shared it. However, just as unique are the memories we have, the love we have with our loved ones, the relationship we had when they were physically here, so too is how we deal with it. We regularly hear about our grief being our own, that there is no timetable, we cannot speed it up,why then is the readjustment method not also our own, unique to each of us ? Yes, absolutely there are many things in common among people grieving, but there are also many individual unique aspects that cannot ever be the same among 2 or more people. I question this because I question the theory about being "stuck" in grief if there is no time table, is it not a case that for some people it takes 1 year, for some people it takes 15 years, for some people it may simply never come. While I am completely aware of the fact the authors intentions are to try to help others not have to be in such despair or whatever for as long as the author was, isn't that simply trying to rush someone else's journey. Often times I want so much to say/ask these authors "So, you were allowed to have your 7 years, your 15 years of "grief" but I am not allowed that time because you are telling me what I should be doing or need to be doing to "heal" and telling me I am stuck even though there is no timetable for grief".

Many times personally I wish the wording would be more sensitive in published information on grief. When people have found a renewed interest in life, when they find happiness again, it is good to share but I disagree with it being shared in a manner that implies others need to do A,B,C for them to be able to get there and if they are not doing A & B it means they are stuck or something. The information should simply be shared as what it is, a personal experience, something that worked for the author. I think the same of research, I think there should always be an extra large disclaimer on the fact that "this is what worked for person A, B, C but your journey may be different". I am not aware of anything out there that recommends "you should remember memory xxx of your loved one and this is when you should remember it........" because memories are unique & personal like the grief itself.

I came across an article here in psychology today I found interesting last night which kind put all these thoughts in motion again so this time I thought I'd share them. The article is just another insight, another way to look at grief but what I liked I suppose was that there was no reference to any particular one being right or wrong, but simply stating what was found during their research.

So with my added disclaimer once again , this is simply my view, right or wrong it's just mine. It sure is one topic and one conversation I never ever had with my Dad and that's a big regret. But we will have that chat someday when we "know it all"

Maybe I will re-read this in another year and think "what on earth was I thinking" or maybe I will still feel the same, who knows, I'll be sure to reply next year

so grateful as always for this site and everyone on it.

hugs and love to all,

Niamh

[MartyT]

Niamh, dear ~ I appreciate your thoughtful comments. I assume you've read enough of my posts by now to know that I agree completely that each person's grief journey is unique to their own individual circumstances, there is no time limit on grief, and there certainly is no magical way to alleviate the pain and sorrow attached to it. It is also true that sooner or later, every human being will experience the pain of loss, because nothing in this life lasts forever. So it is that grief is both unique to the individual and universal since it happens to every one of us. That is why I am fascinated by the myriad ways that people suffer the most devastating losses imaginable and still find some way to survive. I am always searching for an answer to the question, "How did they DO that?" And when I find an article or a book that addresses that question well, I like to share it here with all of you. Think of this as a bountiful buffet ~ a table filled with lots of different dishes. As you go through the buffet line, you are free to pick and choose from all the various dishes, even if it's just for a taste of something you've never tried before. If you don't like it, you don't have to eat it. But as you try some things you've never had before, you may find something that really appeals to you. Maybe you're not hungry at all right now, so you'll decide to avoid the buffet all together. That's fine ~ all the dishes will still be there waiting and will be kept fresh and edible until you are ready to taste them ~ and new dishes are being added all the time.

[niamh]

I like your analogy Marty,makes so much sense and the funny thing is that I am possibly the worlds

fussiest eater and take right after my Dad,neither of us ever being adventurous with food .

[MartyT]

I think you will like this post (from Musings of a Distractible Mind, one of the blogs I follow), written by a primary care physician: How to Grieve

[niamh]

thank you so much again Marty, I read this in bed last night and just cried so much, I think maybe it's the tinest bit of reassurance that I am still "normal"for want of a better word.

Dads are always great for reassurance and now I hardly ever get any from anyone at all, maybe that's why I get so sensitive at times when reading about grief because I just want that one bit of reassurance from anyone that I am actually ok.