niamh Posted September 8, 2010 Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 Dear friends, it's been a while since I've posted on here but I'm always reading. Welcome to any newbies, I hope you find some small comfort knowing you are not alone. Truth is I've been a bit conscious of posting and just repeating myself. And although I know nobody can make me feel worse no matter what I read, for some reason I feel afraid of making others worse especially people who are new to such awful losses seeing me no "better" 9 months later. So nothing has changed for me. This is the 9th month of this never ending nightmare and the pain and loneliness is with me all the time. I don't cry everyday but I am sad every single day, missing my Dad and wanting him back all the time. I feel I am in auto pilot most of the time just doing what I have to do, such as working etc. I still hate waking up everyday to face into yet another day without my Dad. Coming home from work everyday, sitting at the dinner table with my Mom, the empty chair next to me is so painful. There used to be so much chatter at dinner, now it's talk of how hard life is,how much we miss him, sometimes lots of tears or simply silence. I do meet friends although not as often as I used to. Part of it is that I simply don't want to leave my Mom home alone, although I know she doesn't mind in one way, she is glad when she sees me getting out but it's just me, I feel so tied to home. I know the same thing happened 4 years when I lost a very close Aunt suddenly, just the overwhelming need and want to be at home most of the time, now it's even more so. I guess home is where I feel safest and most comfortable. I know people say it takes time and some say it's not time, it's what you do with the time, I've heard the cliche of finding a hobby, finding something to take interest in ........this just makes no sense to me. I won't force myself to do anything or "try" something I didn't care about 1 year ago when life was good and care even less about now. I've also read/heard people say you find a new happiness. For me none of this rings true. I honestly feel from the depths of my heart and soul that this is how it will always be until I am finally left out of this world to be with my Dad again. Sometimes my Mom will say she has hope that it won't always be like this, most times she says she just feels she will never be happy again, never have anything to look forward to again and that is how I feel. I truly do not know of anything that is possible in this world making me happy again (because my Dad coming back is not possible). I have sat and thought of the things that used to bring me happiness, I have sat and wondered if the dreams I once had came true now would they bring me any happiness, any bit of joy at all ......each time I think of something the answer is simply no, because most of those things I just do not and cannot care about anymore & the ones I do care about are the impossible ones like having a good old heart to heart with my Dad. The best days, the happiest days are over and that is fact, now I just wait for the day I get to see my Dad again, that is all I look forward to. To have hope in this life, I think you have to want something from this life and I simply do not want anything anymore from this life. my Mom is my entire life now (no siblings) and everything I do is for her and I know that I am the only thing that is keeping her going and vice versa. If others find some kind of happiness after a major loss, then that is good for them. I certainly cannot deny that for some people happiness does come again, some are able to reinvest in life and want to make the most of it. I don't believe everyone comes out the other side of grief, some that don't are not in this world to tell us because they have taken their own lives because it's been so bad. I simply do not believe I will be one of those who likes life again someday. Perhaps that is also part of my grief, maybe others who've come through also felt like me at some point, I really don't know. I am under no illusion that it will change just like I am under no illusion that someday my Dad will walk through the front door, that is the depth of how I feel about this because I know how impossible it is for my Dad to walk through that door. I'm not even sure how to word this but I am "ok" with this.......because I know there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to bring my Dad back and so I have to live with that......... the same goes for being happy, loving life and all that. Most of the time I don't think of the future, it's too painful and can be too frightening thinking of all the time that may be ahead without my Dad. I try to live in the now, the very moment I exist in because at the end of the day that is all we truly have. This is something I got from my Dad and it was losing him that made me finally understand how he lived like that. So I feel how I feel now, I felt the same yesterday, last week, last month and I simply don't think about tomorrow, next week or next year ........as much I can, it's extremely difficult at times but I try. If my feelings towards life change so be it, if they don't so be it aswell, personally I am ok with it. I know in my heart that I am doing the very best that I can do and I hope my loving Daddy is somewhere close to me knowing this. He is not here to give me a little pat on the back and tell me he is proud of me, I am still here, still able to do everything I can for my Mom. Now I have to give myself that little pat because I do get up everyday and come to work and for those split seconds when that alarm goes off every morning, it feels like the entire world crushing down on my heart yet I still manage to get up, go to work and do my job. I wish there was a fast forward button for life. I wish I could hibernate for seasons on end and wake up when it's all about to be over. I do hope I have not disrespected anyone or upset anyone. These are simply my own thoughts, beliefs and feelings and as we all know our grief is our own and nobody elses and although we may find commonalities among us there will also be differences among us. So just because I feel this way in no way means anyone else will. thank you from the bottom of my heart to every here for simply being you, Niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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