Particularly Difficult Wave To Ride Today

[sunstreet]

I am having a hard day. I am finally able to let myself get the boxes of Melissa's things out and begin the task of deciding what to keep, if to keep. I thought I was ready for this but perhaps I am not. I now feel totally overwhelmed and wish I had never started this task today. I never expected to smell Melissa in those boxes of stuff. Oh how it took me back to the moment of discovering her dead and holding her in my arms waiting for the ambulance to come and praying they would tell me she was not dead. It is hard to see all of our life together when the end our life together was so tragic. I think it best I put all Melissa's belongings back in the boxes and try again another day. Oh how I mourn for her so....

Blessings, Carol Ann

[Perkins808]

I am so sorry Carol Ann for the way you were feeling today. I too have found myself in my walk in closet surrounded by Jeff's clothes - we had gone to a wedding the week before he died and his good suit hangs in there, it hadn't gone to the cleaners yet. On some days the smell of him on it is such a comfort, and on others I know I am not strong enough to even go near it.

I tried to get rid of some things....I walked in the house one day and saw the overload of shoes on the shelf in the hallway. There are 5 girls in this house, so you know there are tons of shoes. I thought maybe if I took Jeff's shoes out of the mix, we'd have more room. I got out the trash bag and piled probably 4 pairs of his sneakers in....then I grabbed his work boots. I set them in the bag and then started sobbing. I too was not ready for this. One of my girls came around the corner and asked why I was crying - I said I didn't want to throw Jeff's work boots away. She kind of just laughed at me like I was silly - um, then don't throw them away Mom?! So I didn't. I let the sneakers go.....but the boots have stayed right where they were. I loved to see my man in his favorite jeans, a t-shirt and his workboots.....so they will stay until someday I am ready.

I am sorry that there was such a tragic ending for Melissa, and I can't begin to imagine what that feels like....but maybe someday when you are truly ready, her scent will remind you of only happy times. Give yourself more time and try again?

Tammy

[Billw]

When I had the floors done in June I had to empty the closets in the house, we have a huge walk in closet in our master bedroom that was my wife's home away from home so to speak. The ceilings were vaulted in the closet allowing me to put another set of racks for hanging clothes throughout the top of the room as well. I built a nice pole so she could hang all of her things on the high rack, as well as shelves for all of her shoes, boots, purses and etc. It turned out really nice. She was a professional and always dressed well....lots and lots of clothes, beautiful stuff so she was really excited when we bought this place because she could finally have all of her stuff in one closet. It took me a while to empty the closet when I did the floors, as soon as I had it all out that's when it hit me. It was horrible to see all of her things gone, I broke down completely that day, there was a whole lot of my wife in that room and I couldn't stand to see it gone. It was a relief after I finished the floors to put all of her stuff back. I'm just not there yet, her sister will be here in October and offered to help me with her things but I'm not even considering that yet. I know a lot of her friends that are the same size as her that would probably like to have some things and I thought I might donate to the woman's shelter that she used to take things to also. For now her things still bring me some comfort and I will get there some day...just not today....BW

[Chrissie]

Carol Ann,

Sorry you're having such a rough day. I know how hard it is letting go of your loved ones belongings. When I went through Tim's clothes I took all his button down shirts to the hospice care center he was in at the end. They cut them up the back and use them instead of gowns. I remember how much Tim hated those hospital gowns and I also remember how handsome he looked in a shirt. They took such good care of him. It gave me peace to know that they would use those shirts for others. I am now faced with another decision that is just killing me to make. We have a polaris ranger that has so many memories to it and I think I may have to sell it to help with some expenses. I know it is what I need to do, but it was so much a part of Tim & I. When he was feeling ok we would pack a lunch and ride for hours, just the two of us and the dog. Not a care in the world, no phone, no distractions, just us. I treasure those moments so much and whenever I look at it those memories are fresh in my mind. Might sound silly to some, but I know everyone here would understand. Don't get rid of things until you are ready to. There is no set time and your heart will tell you when. Hugs

Chris

[Queeniemary]

Carol Ann, At about 5 months after Mike's death, I went through the closet and packed some shirts and pants to take to "Share and Care", a local facility that helps families. However, I still have a bunch of his favorite hats on a hat rack in the bedroom, and I filled several totes with some of his favorite shirts. I don't think I will ever be ready to do anything with his hats, he loved unusual hats. Doing community theater, he had a lot that he wore on stage, and some that he bought just because he liked them. My favorite is his Tevia hat from Fiddler on the Roof. He had a big group of "Hawaiian" type shirts, I am going to have those made into a queen size memory quilt for my bed. I am just not ready to do anything else with any of his things. However, I am donating his uniforms to the sheriff's office, in case someone there can wear them.( He was a detention Sargeant). I just think there is no set time to do anything, the time will be different for each of us. When we are ready, we will know it. It's been over 8 months now, and I still am just not ready to do let go of anything else.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Cheryl]

I'm so sorry that the pain is so hard today. I hope tomorrow is better. I think you are wise to save it for another time. I haven't attempted to go through Mark's things yet. I did manage to clean out the medicine cabinet. My kids found me crying over the yucky tooth brush, dried out deoderant and dog chewed comb. I don't know why these things bring such pain when they are only objects, but it sure does hurt.

[Deb625]

Hi Carol Ann, My circumstances were different as I had left my spouse six days before he died. I had to pack his apartment up (with lots of help), move everything to my new place and live amongst boxes until I was strong enough to get through it. It took awhile and what worked best was to start "small" and in the "morning". I found trying to take on any tasks later in the day was and is just not possible when you are worn out just putting one foot in front of the other getting through a day... The reality is be gentle with yourself, and just get through it when you can and that doesn't have to be today. Take care, Deb

[Perkins808]

I'm so sorry that the pain is so hard today. I hope tomorrow is better. I think you are wise to save it for another time. I haven't attempted to go through Mark's things yet. I did manage to clean out the medicine cabinet. My kids found me crying over the yucky tooth brush, dried out deoderant and dog chewed comb. I don't know why these things bring such pain when they are only objects, but it sure does hurt.

I think these things bring so much pain because they were things that our loved one held in their hands every single day - or at least that is why after 2 months Jeff's toothbrush still sits in the cup next to mine!

[sunstreet]

Dear Tammy, Billw, Chris, Mary(Queeniemary), Cheryl, Deb

Thank you all for your sharing, understanding and support. I am just so sorry for all of your losses as well. I am comforted tonight, thank you. After I made my post today, I gathered everything and put it all away for another day. I then got in my car and drove to our spot by the water, the rain had stopped the sun had come out, and I set up my easel and I painted, it was grand. I felt Melissa right there with me. Melissa, was a professional, she held her master's degree in social work and was a counselor to young teen Mom's. Melissa did not leave a suicide note so I have been plagued with the question "why?" I was so focused on my Father's care in his journey with Alzheimer's and having to go back to the community I grew up in to accomplish this task. Melissa hated to get her picture taken and never wanted to have it taken at all. On December 24, 2003, she asked me to take a picture of her sitting on our hearth. I smiled and gave her all kinds of praise for overcoming the fear of having her picture taken. Hindsight is always 20/20 but in the moment, although I thought that was quite the about face for Melissa. I just happily took her picture. I had the picture developed but I have never been able to look at it. I am taking it to my counselor tomorrow and we will look at it together....it is time.

I want to share with all of you about another cd from health journey's titled: A meditation to help with anger and forgiveness.

Thank you all.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[Korina]

It sounds like you have made the decision that is right for you. I am happy for you.

Korina

[sunstreet]

Thank you so much Korina. Blessings to you.....Carol Ann