Lost My Husband In August And Still Cry Like It Just Happened.

[Guest popengena]

I just found this forum. Since Joe died, I've been in a fog....usually crying. I'll find he's not even whats on my mind for a moment but then I notice the tears just dripping down my face. I'm like that everywhere I go. IF I go anywhere......whereever I go, there are so many memories. Even going food shopping ....I cry, must look like a fool...but I only have my son and I to cook for now...Joe and I loved to cook together...that was one of our favorite things. I haven't been able really cook anything since he died...I think maybe 3 times, it was a real dinner for my son, but for the most part, its take out, or frozen, or the easiest thing I can think of. I have started counseling and antidepressants, but thats really not helping too much yet. I've lost alot of weight.....I think crying must burn calories!. I still can't beleive he's gone, even though he was ill for years, and I "thought" I was mentally and emotionally prepared for the worst.....yet the day I had to take him off life support was the worst of my life. Once the shock of that wore off, I literally went to bed for a week and couldn't stop sobbing. I got it together enough to honor his last wish, which was to have a party. He wanted to be cremated, and wanted me to bring him to the party...which I did. People were told that this was supposed to celebrate Joe's life...the mourning could come later. It was an amazing time. I felt like he was right beside me, saying thanks babe, its exactly what I wanted. I think I was kind of numb for a few days after that, becuase I seemed to be functioning...then the tears came back......I feel as if my heart has literally been torn in half. There is so much paperwork to do when your spouse dies...and I'm letting some of that slip by. I just can't stay focused at all. I have a 1.5 hour commute to and from work....though I've been taking alot of time off.......The stress of just the commute, worrying about the dogs at home, getting my house ready to sell, and taking care of my disabled son, not to mention all of my dad's affairs, because he went into a Nursing home after having a series of strokes on the same day in December that Joe started to get sick.....My dad won't be coming out...he can't speak and makes no effort to co-operate with an sort of rehabiltation. He has a Living Directive which we are honoring. I just feel overwhelmed.....feel like I need more time before people expect me to be able to deal with all this. I want to spend a week in bed, literally. What has started to bother me is, I used to have vivid dreams all the time, Joe would be in them....but now I have no dreams, or if I do, I can't remember them anymore. He and I used to kid around about how I thought I was living two lives, the one in this life, and the one in my dreams...my parallel lives.....I thought for sure he'd be in my dreams...I get so upset when I wake up and nothing.

I miss him so much, its hard to beleive people when they tell me, it takes time...Eventually you'll move forward........try not to think of him so you dont cry so much........Everyone wants me to stay busy and stop talking about him.........And I want to lay down and just talk about him......He was so funny..I haven't laughed since I lost him, thats one of the hardest things....and I can't watch any tv shows that I watched with him.....He would tell me what was on at night...I don't know the right days, but I also notice that watching alot of our favorite shows just make me cry anyway, so I just dont.....Sorry for droaning on so much....But it actually feels better getting it out.

Thank you for reading this

[Cris]

Im fairly new to this site but I lost my husband 3 years ago. I wish I would have had this site then. Dont be so hard on yourself! Everything you say is normal. I still miss my Larry every day and night! I still can cry at the drop of a hat! In fact I do cry most mornings! The only thing is I try to do it in the morning when I walk my dog and pray! I will never stop loving him and missing him!!I am just trying to learn to live with the pain. Its not easy bt any means. But I have survived thus far. I lost alot of weight and could not eat anything he and I ate together. Or watch shows we did together!! But Im slowly getting alittle better with that. When you love somebody

more then yourself its gona take a long time if ever to heal. You never get over it you just learn to live with it!! Keep posting here there seems to be alot of caring people who understand our pain! I wish I would have had this when I first lost him. But Its helped now to know I wasnt nuts! Hang in there and God Bless all of us! Cris

[Nick]

Hi,

My husband has been gone for a little over a year and I still have yet to cook any of things I use to for him. I love to cook but find it so hard to do without him. Also, I have yet to watch any of the shows we use to watch just so hard I know when the day comes when I can do this simple things again it will be a major step for me. I have two sons so I feel I should make nicer meals for them instead of the typical kid cuisine. At night I really don't know what to do with myself I read but it's just so lonely. I pray things will get better. We can't go backwards as much as we would like the only direction is forward!

[nirac]

HI,I am with u on everything u said. I lost Charlie in May. Tomrrow will be five months to the day. I cant go anywhere we use to go,or watch any movies or shows we use to watch. I couldnt listen to a radio for a while, if onne of his songs came on I broke, I now have come to accept the songs the he liked, I just tell myself that he is sitting right next to me, because every time I have the urge to put the radio on, its his song, that helps, however sad songs do me in. I know what a pain it is to hear people tell u it will take time, give it time blah blah blah. Time sucks. It has been five months and I still cry like it was yesterday. It will help u to come to this site, I recently found it. I dont come everyday but it does help me to read what others have to say who have gone thru this and are going thru this. and it does help me to say how I feel.

[Guest popengena]

Thank you all for your responses. It does help to know that I am not crazy, and others greive the same way I am. I actually ended up in the hospital 2 weeks after his death with what they called severe deep grieving. I was in for 4 days, thats when they put me on medication. I literally hadn't been able to stop crying until then. Not for a second....The medicine does help a bit..but its also causing me to lose an awful lot of weight. I'm scrawny and have no appetite. Ugh.....this all just hurts. I see my counselor tonight, and I feel like she is truly trying to help. At least she validates the pain, and thinks its a very good thing when people cry during grief. So, that helps.

My heart goes out to everyone who's found this website. We are all here for a very painful reason. I will prayer for all of us. Thank you for the support.

[Chrissie]

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I lost Tim 8 months ago and I still cry everyday on my way home from work because I know he will not be there. Tim was also very sick before he passed and I was his caregiver. I thought I was prepared to except his death but when the time came it was like a bomb exploded inside me and there are many times I still feel the pain of that day, but it does get better. I know that doesn't seem possible right now but you will learn how to live again. I am not saying you won't still grieve and miss Joe, but you will be able to cope with everyday living. Memories will bring smiles instead of tears and you will be able to laugh. Don't let people discourage you from talking about him, he is still very much a part of your life. I hope this helps a little. I know this site has been a blessing for me, so keep posting. Take care of yourself and try to eat, & rest, you really need that during this time.

Chris

[kayc]

popengena,

Welcome to this website, at least here you've found a good place where there's always someone around to listen and understand. I also have a long commute and dogs to come home and take care of and my FIL, 91, in assisted living and my mom (who has mental problems) is 88 and needs regular visits, so I can relate to what you're going through. How old is your son? How much are you involved with his care, do you have a place for him to go to during your work hours?

You certainly have a full plate, I pray your place sells in time to suit your needs.

The crying...that goes on for a while but lessens bit by bit. I'm sorry you're going through this hell, we do get used to it eventually although we never ever stop missing them. Feel free to come here any time you want, there are a lot of new people here going through the same timeline and experiences as you.

Kay

[Guest popengena]

Thanks so much for all the compassion everyone has given me. I just home home for therapy, and the counselor thinks I should go into acute partial hospitalization. Its a 3 week program from 9 - 3, and I guess its all day Therapy with groups, pyschitrist, clinicians. She said, they help teach you coping skills (apparantly mine are hopeless). I'm really hard on myself and expect to get it all perfect....which is impossible. My stress and the tears at any moment, are making me feel out of control completely. I do have a day program for my son, which is wonderful. My family and freinds are very supportive of my situation with my son, so he does get quite alot of attention, TG. So, I told my mom about this program, and she thinks its wonderful..she said why go to a specialist and then not take the suggestion she thinks will work best for you? Now I just have to talk to my boss about it (my brother) beleive it or not, he really needs me at work, and has given me so much time to leave early, come in late..stay home if I just had to...I'm afraid he'll be annoyed when I tell him I'll be out for 3 weeks of therapy. But its my best shot of learning how to deal with the loss of my best freind and partner for over half my life.....See here I go, crying again..

Thanks everyone

[Cheryl]

Reading your post overwhelms me. You are juggling way too much with that type of a commute added to everything. You have got to figure out a way to delegate some of your outside rsponsibilities to others. I think it is important to listen to the your therapist but you also need to feel comfortable with what they are asking you to do. We are all here pulling for you and hoping you find some relief to your pain.

[sunstreet]

Dear Popengena,

Welcome here to this site. I am sorry for your loss. I hope being here helps to give you some relief from your pain and helps you to feel not so alone. It is safe here. You have a lot on your plate. I believe everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. I and others understand. Courage to you.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[Guest popengena]

Once again, thank you everyone, it does feel very safe here. I read all the other threads and see that we are all going thru very similar emotions if not the exact same situation. It is helpful to know that I'm not crazy after all. Today on my way home from work I had to meet my friend at my kids old HS....she had picked up my son and brought him to watch her daughters game...he was so excited because lots of his teachers were there etc......He's my son with Cerebral Palsy, with some neurological issues....so he is very childlike in some ways..though he is 23...he gets excited like a 10 yr old would:) Its nice...he's pure love and I feel blessed to have him. Since his dad died, he keeps saying to me, "I'm your angel now mommy, you don't have to worry"....its so hard to explain this, but I will try. When I had my triplets on St. Pats day '87, they were actually full term for triplets.....baby a was 5.3, baby b was 5.5, and baby c was 4.6 . There was no difference at birth except for Matts 1lb weight difference....he went down to 3.9 after he was born so, he was being carefully monitored and watched...meanwhile they discharged his bro and sis and I after 5 days. I would go back and forth to the hospital to do his feedings, and family jumped in of course....it was all so exciting to have them. When they were 7 days old, I was napping, my mom was over. I woke up to hear Joe on the deck in the back..he was on the phone, as I was becoming more awake..I had a chill run down my spine, because I heard him saying strange babbling things..he was making no sense at all......the next thing I know he said...I have to run up to feed Matt...I'll be back soon...I said, ok..but the second he was gone, that chill came again and I KNEW something was very wrong. I told my mom she had to follow him....he's sick, somethings wrong...she got in the car, but realized she had no idea where the hospital was, (we had recently moved)....I wasn't allowed to drive....so I waited. I sat in a chair, literally numb waiting for the phone to ring. My mom kept saying, he's fine..He said he was going to feed Matt...this is your hormones, thats all.....2 Hours later the call came. He had a massive heart attack but got to the hospital in time for intervention. They had just come out with a new drug that if given within a certain amount of time, could help. Well, he ended up on life support, in a semi coma:(........This was the same hospital that one week earlier we were being interviewed for the local paper, and all the nurses and doctors knew us for that happy thing......Now, he was in a semi coma. One of the nurses recalled that Matt was still up in the maternity ward, so they broke the rules and brought him down to his dad and put him on his bare chest.....I wasnt there but heard it told by the nurses and doctors that were, and it will give you chills...well it gave all of us chills......after 10 minutes Joe became fully conscious and said....I can't go anywhere yet, I need to help her with the babies...then he fell asleep. They told me everyone was in tears..oh I forgot, they had given him Last Rites..then they brought Matt down. Matthew means a gift from God....and he has been. Ok, after hearing all that, you can understand how at times its unnerving, even though comforting when I hear him tell me hes my angel now. Am I just looking for miracles? or messages? what I told you is very true, but I wonder if when Matt is saying I'm your angel....is it Joe sending me word that yes, Matt will keep me going? Thats kind of how I want to think of it. I am so sorry...I do run on dont i?

I am so grateful that I found this website.

Blessings to all