Guest popengena Posted October 5, 2010 Report Share Posted October 5, 2010 I just found this forum. Since Joe died, I've been in a fog....usually crying. I'll find he's not even whats on my mind for a moment but then I notice the tears just dripping down my face. I'm like that everywhere I go. IF I go anywhere......whereever I go, there are so many memories. Even going food shopping ....I cry, must look like a fool...but I only have my son and I to cook for now...Joe and I loved to cook together...that was one of our favorite things. I haven't been able really cook anything since he died...I think maybe 3 times, it was a real dinner for my son, but for the most part, its take out, or frozen, or the easiest thing I can think of. I have started counseling and antidepressants, but thats really not helping too much yet. I've lost alot of weight.....I think crying must burn calories!. I still can't beleive he's gone, even though he was ill for years, and I "thought" I was mentally and emotionally prepared for the worst.....yet the day I had to take him off life support was the worst of my life. Once the shock of that wore off, I literally went to bed for a week and couldn't stop sobbing. I got it together enough to honor his last wish, which was to have a party. He wanted to be cremated, and wanted me to bring him to the party...which I did. People were told that this was supposed to celebrate Joe's life...the mourning could come later. It was an amazing time. I felt like he was right beside me, saying thanks babe, its exactly what I wanted. I think I was kind of numb for a few days after that, becuase I seemed to be functioning...then the tears came back......I feel as if my heart has literally been torn in half. There is so much paperwork to do when your spouse dies...and I'm letting some of that slip by. I just can't stay focused at all. I have a 1.5 hour commute to and from work....though I've been taking alot of time off.......The stress of just the commute, worrying about the dogs at home, getting my house ready to sell, and taking care of my disabled son, not to mention all of my dad's affairs, because he went into a Nursing home after having a series of strokes on the same day in December that Joe started to get sick.....My dad won't be coming out...he can't speak and makes no effort to co-operate with an sort of rehabiltation. He has a Living Directive which we are honoring. I just feel overwhelmed.....feel like I need more time before people expect me to be able to deal with all this. I want to spend a week in bed, literally. What has started to bother me is, I used to have vivid dreams all the time, Joe would be in them....but now I have no dreams, or if I do, I can't remember them anymore. He and I used to kid around about how I thought I was living two lives, the one in this life, and the one in my dreams...my parallel lives.....I thought for sure he'd be in my dreams...I get so upset when I wake up and nothing. I miss him so much, its hard to beleive people when they tell me, it takes time...Eventually you'll move forward........try not to think of him so you dont cry so much........Everyone wants me to stay busy and stop talking about him.........And I want to lay down and just talk about him......He was so funny..I haven't laughed since I lost him, thats one of the hardest things....and I can't watch any tv shows that I watched with him.....He would tell me what was on at night...I don't know the right days, but I also notice that watching alot of our favorite shows just make me cry anyway, so I just dont.....Sorry for droaning on so much....But it actually feels better getting it out. Thank you for reading this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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