Another Tidal Wave

[melina]

Warning - this is depressing, so if you're feeling down, don't read. I have no blog or journal, so I'm pouring out my feelings here. Another tidal wave has hit me tonight and I'm feeling horrible. I'm alone in the house, my youngest son is out at a class. I'm glad he's found something he likes to do. I hope all our kids find their paths and move on with their lives.

As for me, I can't see any future, there is no comfort anywhere and I'm so lonely I could scream. I try to empty boxes of books and cds - things my husband loved. But I see no point in putting books on the shelves that he'll never see again, or put cds on the racks that he'll never listen to. None of these things hold any interest for me. They are just a reminder that he's not here.

I'm 52, at an age where I can't see starting over with anyone else. I'm not going to have any more children. My life is behind me. I have no interest in work any longer either.

Why do these tidal waves have to hit so often? Just when I think I'm getting somewhere, I'm knocked over again. It's like someone is out to get me, to punish me. Where will I find the strength to continue?

Melina

[Lostdaughter]

Melina,

I think the tidal waves are quite normal. It seems to be the nature of grief. I can relate (in part) to how you must be feeling. I didn't lose a partner, I lost a dad. However, the past year I did lose someone I thought would be my husband and define the rest of my life. I took that whole situation very hard and made several bad decisions based on thinking my future was with him. I was to have moved in 2006 back to my former city of residence, but stayed here instead thinking I had a future.

I'm 51 and don't have any children. Last year was, in part, grieving the loss of the possibility of children. So when I look at the future it doesn't look real rosy. No, I don't have the loss of a marriage partner to contend with (well, do have a divoce in my past), but somedays I look ahead and don't see much to live for. It's really tough for me to get motivated to look for work and, when I realize what kinds of jobs I see in this town, I think what for? So I can be even more miserable than I already am and feel even worse?

Anyway, I don't want to bring you down, but I can identify with the feelings of wondering what to do at this age when it just doesn't seem like things are ever going to be again what they were in the past.

Have you thought of counseling and/or some medication to get you through this difficult time?

Hugs,

LD

[rain]

I'm in the same age range as both of you, and feel very much the same way. I was fortunate enough to spend over half of my life with the love of my life, and there does not seem much of a point in carrying on this lonely charade without him. I have no need or desire to find another partner ~ my husband set the bar too high to be followed ~ and try to find pleasure and comfort in the company of friends and in the maintenance of the home we both loved.

In truth, it all seems so pointless. Food has no flavor and the mornings hold no hope, and yet I am baffled by talk of moving on when I'm not sure that I even want to. 'Move on' to what, exactly? I suspect I would rather live in sorrow than a hollow facsimile of a contented life.

I would answer your question, Melina, regarding why the tidal waves hit when they do, or where to find the strength to go on, if only I knew. If you are being punished, then we all are. You must go on for the sake of your children, who need you. Speaking only for myself, I go on because there are still practical matters that must be settled and demand my presence. Beyond that, I make no plans or promises. But too, maybe we find the strength to go on because the strength not to is even more unattainable.

I'm sorry ~ it seems I can out-depress anyone.

It is simply how I feel. I hope not to bring anyone further down, but only to express empathy with you both. (( ))

[Lostdaughter]

Melina and rain,

I am *so* sorry for the loss of your dear spouses.

Rain, you do have a way with words. Far from bringing me down, I take some warped comfort in knowing I am not the only person who wonders about moving on. In my case, I really thought that after being alone for so many years I'd found my soulmate. In a way, I think both of you were blessed to know real love, as sorrowful as it is for it to have been cut so short.

I have no words of wisdom. I guess I agree with you rain, that there are matters to tend to and finding the will to not go on is more unattainable than to just keep getting up every morning and putting one foot in front of the other. Melina, I think going on for your kids is what it's all about. Or so I imagine. Or so I've been told.

I've gone to a grief group locally and there are many there who experienced all kinds of losses. However, there was also a gentleman who did find someone else and did remarry. It does happen and he seemed genuinely happy. I guess he came to show us that life can go on and change in ways we'd never imagine.

Anyway, I wish for peace and some happiness for both of you.

[Lindakay]

Melina, I'm 56 and I can see starting over. I had a husband that was my Galahad. From the poetry to helping clean at home, romance and passion like year number one. Fidelity was our only rule. But Melina he died. I still and will always love him. He isn't here and I have to be. No I won't say never.I was going through what you are 6 months ago. That wastwo years after he was gone. It comes and goes. I hope yours goes soon. You have to step outside yourself to see. Do something you don't normally do. Mine loved music. Had a thousand albums and 400 cds up in the computer room. I made it a library with all my books on five tall shelves. I put his in the remodelled basement room. It's my library now. Put a peach colored foldout loveseat in there for company to use as a bedroom. Told him outloud. You would really hate this couch/it's pinky colored. You would hate company coming when ever. Should have stuck around babe. It was dark humor that even he could appreciate.Breathe deep and do something uncommon for you. Paint the room a funky color. lol LindaKay

[rain]

Thank you, LD, for all your kind words. I'm sorry for all our losses, and hope that we may yet find some peace.

(( ))

[nirac]

I am 29, lost my Charlie in May of 2010, am now raising his two children(their mother is not capable) and I am in noway going to start over with anyone.My job now is to raise these children like thier father would have wanted. I can't imagine being with someone else ever, I don't want to. Tidal waves hit me all the time. Just today I was driving home from work,in an ok mood, wa thinking about charlie but not sad, I thought about something and actually laughed then all of a sudden I am crying hysterically,thinking about him and remembering times we had and thinking bout what we won't have. Those moments justs hit out of the blue. It sucks!!

[kayc]

Melina,

The way you are feeling is to be expected. Somehow we find the strength to go on from within ourselves, but it's not easy and at first we don't even have the "want to". I can't say as I've found any great purpose in life or anything that piques my interest, but I try to stay in today and that helps. I've learned to try and enjoy the little things for what they are and not expect anything great and wonderful like I had before. I hope that helps, it's all I have.