Six Months

[redwind30]

It was six months ago today that I lost my precious husband. The hurt never lets up. The loloniness never leaves. The fear and dread of what is to come is always present. No one calls me; I do all of the calling. No one initates an invite; I do all of the initation. I feel that I don't matter to anyone. I think I could drop off of the face of the earth and no one would really care. Thank God for my little dog; he really keeps me going. I keep thinking that I need to "get a life". But, I dont even know how or where to begin. I don't want or need to do alot of things. I just want companionship; I just want to feel like I matter to someone. I want to be important to someone. My friends have families and they don't get what I am going through. My brother is my only family and he is 500 miles away. Even my best friend just doesn't get it. Yesteday my watch broke and it was a watch my husband had given to me. I was heart broken...just one more thing to lose. When I told her, her response was "oh, just go get another watch!"

Does anyone else feel like you just don't matter to anyone any more. Am I the only one with these feelings?

[Ron B.]

Hi Redwind. At one year into grief, my own hurt from losing my mother has been healing. However, I think my grief is more manageable than yours. You lost your life companion. All the caring and the company that your soulmate provided is simply gone. One thought I have for you is that maybe you can find a few social activities that will help you connect with other people. You've got your dog for company, and that's a good start. In your profile I see you mention reading and watching movies as other interests. But those are pretty solitary interests, unless you can find reading groups or other movie buffs to spend time with. Are you working? Some people find good connection with others in their workplace. Maybe the right kind of work will give you some fulfillment. My work as a librarian sure made me feel more connected, that is until I lost my job in the economic meltdown.

We've all heard that expression, "Get a life!". Well, that's the right idea, but we just have to figure out where and with whom the getting is good. Part of our difficulty is our own despondency during grief; depression can slow us down to a crawl. Finding motivation to move forward can be difficult. Sometimes I have to get seriously fed up with my problems, before I get moving to find solutions. Sometimes we need professional help to get unstuck. Have you seen counselors or mental health professionals to help you with your grief? I have, and yes it helped. Bereavement groups, if you can find one, might give you a good connection with others who are having very similar issues. These forums, of course, are a good resource, but the face to face end of social interaction is completely absent here. We need to mix with real people, not just internet people.

A more complete solution may be to find another life companion, though that may not feel right while we are still going through grief. I am not sure yet whether people are biologically geared to find one single mate for life, or whether people can move on well to others. I've seen some early widows who stay widowed and it can be heartbreaking. I think they have so much more life to give and share with others. Finding a second life with someone else may be more fulfilling, at least that's my best guess. Could you even think about dating? I personally might try out an online dating service. I don't know how it will go, because I am shy and do not readily rush into relationships.

Redwind, you are certainly not alone in your feelings. I think the majority of people who read and post here feel stuck in similar ways and experience similar kinds of loneliness. Finding ways to re-engage ourselves in active life is the hard part. I hope others here are able to contribute to this thread; collecting a variety of ideas from a broader group of people is so much better that me giving solitary opinions. Besides, how can I help others when I am sometimes so thoroughly stuck myself? Anyway, I am glad you voiced your issues clearly; that's the first step towards finding solutions.

Ron B.

[Lindakay]

Your life as you knew is over/but your life is not over. We learn to put our loved one that has died in a special place. A fantasy place where they live still/love still. It's called private memories. People handle death sooo differently. If it didn't happen to them, so many dismiss it for us. We can't. We're living it. So compartmentlize it. Make yourself step out of yourself and look at things like a third person. It helps. No, I don't have multiple personalities smile. I have learned it removes you from great sadness and allows you to give yourself permission to do something out of your normal routine/style/habits which when you're grieving aren't too healthy anyways. I have decluttered four times now in 2 1/2 years. Yes, I even found myself giving momentos away. Get your watch fixed and don't share what you know she has shown herself to be unrespectful of your feelings. Do remember belongings are not them. It isn't. I have kept a few favorite t shirts from places we visited and he loved. Yeah we all do have things. I gave and sold 90% of his clothes right away. He didn't even wear most of them. A neighbor(good one )saw me in a t-shirt he loved alot. She recognized it from a pix I had taken of him in that shirt. She asked if it was his shirt.. I felt a bit strange for a moment and said yeah, he loved it.

I mean I was in old jeans and a t shirt. She meant no meaning but did bring it up. I read no double meaning from it either. Just privately wondered if she thought I was a nut. smiles. There are no rules about how we deal with it all. Just constantly move forward. Reward yourself for the effort. I too would like to be the high point of someone's day again.

I have alot to offer someone/but I'm not desparate and won't choose someone just like him. No one can compare so it'll be someone different.LindaKay

[redwind30]

Ron, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am sorry about the loss of your mother. I know how painful that can be since I lost my sweet mother in Dec 2004. I stll miss her and I do still grieve her loss. I am also sorry for your job loss, it sounds as if you have been dealing with an awful lot of stress.

I am having a great deal of difficulty finding social activites, I have always been kind of shy so it is difficult for me to venture into new territory. I believe I could do it, I just can't find anything I want to get involved with at this point. My husband and I were both "homebodies", just being together was enough.

I do work full time. Most of the people I work with are busy with their own families. I am finding that most people in their 50's are not widowed and many have not experienced very much loss, which makes it difficult to relate to.

This board has been wonderful and very supportive, but as you stated it is important to have contact with "real" people. Again, I am finding it to be very difficult to make those contacts. At this point I know I have got to figure something out so that I am not so isolated. I am trying to come to terms with the facts which involve the loss of my soul-mate and not having family close by.

Thanks again for your kind words

[redwind30]

Lindakay, You are so right about holding on to the memories, If not for the memories I just don't know what I would do! I really do want to step out of my comfort zone, just not sure where I need to step to. :-) I too have gone through my husband's things. I kept the most precious and favorite items. I donated his clothes to a homeless shelter. He really enjoyed drawing and jewelry making so I donated those items to children's hospital and abuse shelter. He had a great collection of hot wheels some of which were never opened and those I donated to the local Police Dept to give to children that the Police come in contact wtih. I also wear my husband's shirts, just makes me feel very close to him.

Again, you are so right; I want to be the high point of someones' day. But, I am not despratae and will move very cautiously if and when that time ever comes.

Thanks so much for your response.

[Dar W]

I couldn't said it any better than you did, I feel the same way, I loss my husband Paul six month ago, I go to work and come home sit, no one call or comeover. I'm told to get a life or learn and do thing by myself.I because upset today because I have a lot of thing that needs to be gone in the yard and house before winter get here ( I live in Michigan) some of it I just can't do by myself but I can't get anyone to help me. I guess I will get done what I can and the others things will not get done. I wish people would just understand that this not a easy time for us. we had our husband to help and to do thing with and now we don't. I guess its hard to understand how we feel because they don't and can feel our pain. My prayer are with you, and thank you for letting me know you and other feel the same way do.

[kayc]

Oh Redwind, yes I feel that way, and I'm so sorry you feel like that too! I wish I was at the place where I could be just happy being me, and most of the time I'm okay, but somehow going into winter and being on my own is scary to me...there is no one else to help me get the riding lawnmower started, or to move the refrigerator so I can vacuum behind it, or to help me shovel snow or start the stupid truck...shoot, even locking the hubs in is hard for me, my hands aren't that strong! But I just keep plugging along and doing my best and trying not to worry about everything. I miss having someone to snuggle up to, someone to leave the garage light one, someone to talk over my day with, someone to help shoulder the finances and chores...someone whose eyes light up at the sight of me...but that person is gone and I've discovered that's a rare commodity to have anymore! But at least here we know we aren't alone, we have each other and we're all pretty much going through the same things, whether it's been five weeks, five months, or five years.

[redwind30]

I know what you mean about trying to get things done. I don't have a clue how to do anything. I can't afford to keep paying for things to be done around the house. I am finidng that people who have never experienced loss just really don't get it. They seem to think five or six months is more than enough time to get back to normal. I don't know if I will ever be back to normal. I constantly worry about things going wrong with the house and not knowing what to do. That is just one of the many things that scares me now. Before I lost my husband I was seldom afraid of anything. I am completely overwhelmed. As if the grief is not enough, we have to deal with the loss of friends, financial matters and figuring out how to do maintenance around the house. I live in Florida, so I don't have to worry about the snow, but we have hurricanes. Before losing my husband I didn't worry about it too much. But I found myself getting panicked every time the weather forecasters started talking about any type of tropical storm or hurricane this year. I hope the pain will let up just a little bit...for all of us.

[redwind30]

kayc; I so know what you are saying. I wonder if I will ever be happy again. I am only 51 and the idea of spending the next 20plus years this way is just more than I can handle. I live in Florida and all summer I was afraid we were going to have a hurricane and I would not know wht to do. I grew up here and have never worried about it bfore (even before I got married). It seems that I am afraid of everything now. You say you wish you had someone whose eyes would light up when they see you; funny most of the time I don't think anyone even sees me; much less be happy to see me. I am so glad we have this board to come to. It is nice to know there is someone who can relate to what I am saying.

Take Care