Did The Hardest Thing Ive Had To Do In My Life

[MZM]

Our first birthday apart and my first time at the grave...

Yesterday was (wouldve been) my loves birthday. Beautiful Zubeir wouldve only been 26. In loving memory of him, my family, close friends and I dedicated the afternoon to spending time at a school where there are orphaned children with special cases. We gave them all lunch and hampers as well as presents. Zubeir wouldve loved this as he loved children and also did alot of charity work with our family..

It was a bitter sweet day...

Later I decided i needed to go to his/their graves for the first time (Zubeir, his brother and uncle's - who died in that tragic accident on July 25). I didnt get to go on the day of the funeral as the burial according to Islam is attended only by men...

As it was my loves birthday, I wanted to put red roses on his grave, like he used to give me

Going to the grave was by far the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life:( -seeing his name on the grave, was the hardest thing ive ever faced. It was real and i was finished.

I got home and cried histerically. I only fell asleep after taking a sleeping tablet.I now know hes never coming back. My beautiful person is gone:( and the person in all of my photos and memories is no longer..

This is so hard. I am dying inside!!

[Kat2005]

Visiting the gravesite was one of the hardest things I had to do also. Like you said, seeing their name makes it so final. Give yourself time. You had two firsts at one time. It does get better. I now find comfort when I visit the grave and I hope you will too.

I also want to say, what a wonderful way to celebrate Zubeir's birthday. Helping those in need is always rewarding and I know Zubeir is pleased to see how you celebrated.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care, Kat

[kayc]

You did it. The hardest thing in the world, and you did it. I like how you spent the day, selfless and the way he would have wanted. I'm glad I had George cremated...there is no gravesite, no marker...however, I know where the ashes were scattered and even though the wind has long ago blown them away, I look out at my back yard and see the spot. Someday when I am old and moved from this place, it will be hard to leave here. But I know it's just a spot, I know the ashes aren't really "him", they are the dust he returned to, but his spirit still lives...somewhere, somewhere my love exists...

[Cheryl]

Dear MZM,

Great job! The hardest most painful things that we do ultimatly bring us peace. I can tell you that now that I am having to repeat the hard things, they are not as painful. Each time we allow ourselves to feel the complete depth of our loss, we lighten the load we carry. Acceptence has taken me the longest on this journey. Going to the grave may have brought you to the depths of despair but soon you will look back and see your progress also.

You put a lot of thought in remembering him and honoring him. He would be very proud. I am so sorry you are suffering and hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Hugs! Cheryl

[MZM]

thanks all....

Its true Cheryl, that even though im in the depth of my despair, it is part of the healing process

While i feel horrible since visiting his grave, which was the biggest realisation that he is not coming back:( , I know that I did it, and even though im feeling so helpless and lost and empty now, it cannot get any worse than this...or so I hope...

I know he wouldve loved how we honoured him on his birthday...

[sunstreet]

You did it! What a wonderful testament to the love you shared. So many first's you faced all on the same day and you did it! I feel the love you shared by your sharing. I see your pain, and I see your courage, and it inspires me to find more courage for myself.

What I wonderful way to celebrate Zubier's Birthday! I know he is smiling, surrounding you in love from where he is now.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[MZM]

Thank you Carol Anne...very sweet!!

Lots of hugs n love

M