In A Pit Of Despair Tonight

[sunstreet]

I am struggling so very much tonight. I fear I will bring those of you whose loss is so new down to learn that I am struggling so much right now and it will be 7 years for me on December 25. I think how I am feeling tonight is a reaction to a few days ago, when I had to have my hearing aids adjusted some more and learning there is no more room for adjustment now and my audiologist said it is time to learn sign language. I have traumatic hearing loss due to repeated violence in my life and it is progressive. I knew this and yet to hear my audiologist tell me, it is time to learn sign language. I wanted to scream.."what are you talking about?" Then being a type 1 diabetic for over 40 years now, some slight neuropathy in my legs and feet have developed. I just long to be held again. I have gone through 6 December 25's already and yet this one coming up seems like the hardest.

My therapist tells me what I am feeling is very normal and I should not be alarmed. I just feel like such a misfit with the world. I feel so much like finding some island to live on. I am tired of the ignorance and intolerance!

I don't know if this is ok to talk about or not but I am feeling a whisper from God so hear goes. Melissa was sexually assaulted by three of my family members when they learned I was lesbian and she was my wife. I sometimes feel that I have no right to feel angry that Melissa chose suicide due to what my family memebers did to her. Melissa said she did not blame me and it was not my fault. I still feel I am to blame.

I am so sorry if this was not ok to share. I wish I would have told her I loved her more. I wish our last few months together was not so full of trauma. I miss her so......

Carol Ann

[Korina]

Carol Ann:

I think you are very brave to share such a personal thing. While I have no words of wisdom, please know I am thinking of you, and hope you can feel the love from this site as you face this new difficulty. From what I can tell from your past posts, though I know it is going to be tough, you will persevere!

Korina

[Perkins808]

Oh Carol Ann,

So very much for you to deal with, I am so sorry. You have every right to feel everything you are feeling - just try to not let it consume you.

I'm sure that if she could, Melissa would wrap her arms around you tight and tell you that she knew how much you loved her.

Like Korina, I have no words of wisdom. I wish I could give you a hug and take away your pain.....know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Tammy

[MartyT]

Carol Ann, dear one, I can only add my voice to Tammy's and Korina's ~ wrong as it may have been, what Melissa chose to do with her life in the face of her pain was Melissa's choice alone, and while you must bear the terrible consequences of her choice for the rest of your life, you are not responsible for the choice she made to end hers. Feeling as if you are to blame does not mean that you are, in fact, guilty as charged. It is a feeling, nothing more, nothing less. Feelings are not always rational, not always accurate, not always correct ~ they just are. What matters most is not how we feel, but what we do with our feelings, and how we behave toward one another.

I think we've all come to know you well enough here to be able to assure you that Melissa knew -- knows -- how very much you love her. That love did not die with Melissa, and that love will remain forever in your heart.

And please don't ever wonder if it's okay to share with us whatever is on your mind. You are safe here. We are not here to pass judgment on anyone. We are all imperfect human beings, bound by the common experience of loss, struggling to make some sense of our lives ~ always in solidarity with one another. ♥

[abergsma]

Carol Ann

As Tammy, Korina and Marty have said we all feel your pain and it is not your fault. This was a decision made by Melissa.

We are all there for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us it was very brave of you.

Wish I could give you a hug too...that's what I miss so much the "hugs".

Take care

Allana

[sunstreet]

Korina, thank you. You have helped me. Thank you for acknowledging my bravery, I believe we are all brave here. Thank you for believing I will perservere!

Tammy, thank you for reminding me I have every right to feel what I feel. It is my desire that I not be consumed as well. My committment to Melissa and to myself is that I continue to work on not letting that happen. Thank you for the hug, I feel it, I so need it.

Marty, thank you for reminding me that feeling guilty does not mean that I am. In reality, there were other factors that led to Melissa's choice. It has been hard the fact she did not leave a note and I have had to speculate on the reason/reasons why. It is quite true the love I had for Melissa and the love she had for me. Not the actions of anyone, can alter that reality, thank you for that reminder Marty. I will not wonder again if it is ok to post what is on my mind, I think I knew this already, and I am sorry that even still voices that are from my past override my voice at times.

Finally, after being in conversation with God most of the night, I have reframed my thinking from being in a "pit of despair" to "feeling my pain at a deeper level and more healing has occured.

Bless us all, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Allana, thank you so very much. I feel your hug and I so need it. I too find it so hard, not having the hugs. Melissa was just such a vibrant, intelligent woman, we complemented each other so well. I sometimes think of us all holding hands together as I go about my days. Thank you.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[melina]

Carol Ann,

It's good that we can share painful and private stories here and know we won't be judged.

Sometimes life seems too much to bear, but from what I've read of your posts, you are strong enough to deal with it. Hang in there - we're here for you.

Melina

[sunstreet]

Thank you Melina and I so agree it is good we can share ourselves here without judgements. Sometimes life does seem to much to bear. Thank you for your encouragement Melina. I want you to know that I lost my Father as well. I was very close to my Father, he developed Alzheimer's at quite a young age, and I watched him slowly go away from me. My Father may not have removed me from any of the abuse, and a good many would be furious at him, however, watching him suffer from Alzheimer's soothed any anger that I may have had. My Father faced Alzhiemer's with dignity and grace, and clearly it is him that my strength comes from. Witnessing his journey with Alzhiemer's was both torturously painful and a blessing as well. I stood vigil by his bedside at the end for nine days as he went through the dying process. ON the morning he died, I knew death was very near as blood was pooling in his extremities and I asked the nurses to move him over in the bed some, he was down to just 75 pounds and looked like he had just spent time in a concentration camp. I lay in the bed beside him, had the nurse put on his favorite song, morning has broken by Cat Stevens, and I held my Father and whispered in his ear, it is alright Dad, I forgive you, let yourself go in peace. Right after, my Father took in one last deep breath and he was gone.

Courage and Blessings, to us all, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I have to echo what Marty said. I'm so sorry you're living with the aftermath of Melissa's choice...I'm sure she was focusing on her own pain instead of what she'd be putting you through...that's why suicide is never a good choice, it just funnels the pain to those who are left...it's a permanent answer to temporary situations.

You will get through even this hearing situation because you have already shown yourself to be a survivor. It's not insurmountable. I may find myself there someday too, I have hearing loss in both ears and can't afford hearing aids...I'm blowing the speakers in my t.v. and stereo because of it. Mine was from husband #1 beating me and a job that had excessive vibration but had failed to get a base line for their office workers so there was no recompense for it. Alas, we live with what we must.

Just know that you can bring your problems here and we're here to listen...we may not be able to change your situation, but we can give you our caring. (((hugs)))

[sunstreet]

Kayc, thank you for your words of encouragement. I agree with you so very much that suicide just funnels the pain to those that are left. Just so tragic. My heart just feels that it can bear no more. I have to accept that Melissa's choice was hers alone to make.

I am sorry for the abuse you endured and that you suffer from hearing loss as well. I could not afford hearing aids either but funding was available to me through Crime Victim Services. I had to apply and give a victim impact satement. It was extremely difficult but I did it. At present more funding is available to me for hearing aids that are better than what I have and will give me some more time before hearing aids will be of no use but I have to apply all over again...something seems wrong with that process...but it is what it is. I have yet to start the paper work again, relive it all again.

I also give my caring...and hugs.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann