Dumb Comments

[Cheryl]

Yesterday a friend was teling me all about her move back to AZ and how her husbands new job would require him to travel and be gone for days. She had this whole conversation with me about how great it would be to get him out of the house and have alone time. She talked to me like I would understand. I was so hurt and angry. She had no idea how much pain I'm still in. Now that I return phone calls and get out of the house I'm all better! I felt like calling her stupid, but knew that it would serve no purpose.

I never wanted my husband to be away. I remember the one time Mark and I were not together. I was on a mission trip for our church for two weeks in Peru. It was about a year before he died. When I got back my husband was standing at the security gate with a huge bouquet of flowers and a big smile. He grabbed me and give me the longest hug. I remember he said, "I missed you so much. I can't ever live without you". I remember telling him. "Me too! I'll never take another trip like that without you. It was way too long for us to be apart!" We were both so lost without the other.

I miss him so much and my friends have forgotten my pain and loss. I'm all better to them. Stupid people.

[wmjsca]

Cheryl,

I am so sorry for all of us who have to contend with insensitive people. It's like, once the funeral is over, life is back to normal. Maybe for them it is, but not for us. There is no normal for me now without Clint. He was so much a part of my life.

Nothing is the same for me, either. People forget how much his passing has hurt me and forever altered everything in my world. They talk about all the problems they have with their partners, neglecting to realize that I wish Clint were here, good, bad and everything else. Yes, we had issues, too, but we loved each other and were able to work things out. What I wouldn't give now to see him, hear his voice, know that he's here when I get home.

I don't think people intend to be mean, but unless they've been through this, they have no idea how their 'everyday lives' deepen our sorrow.

Try not to let it ruin your day. When it happens to me, I have a good cry and try to move on. I suppose there are better ways to deal with it, but Clint hasn't even been gone a month, so I'm still in a 'twilight zone' phase. Take care.

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I'm sure she was focusing on her situation and not thinking about yours at all.

When I was married to my kids' dad (23 years) I always enjoyed it when he went on his elk hunting trips because he'd be gone for nine days. He was controlling and perfectionist and I enjoyed the breather...I could fix simple meals, take a break from the never ending salads, do things I liked to do, stay up as late as I wanted without hearing someone complaining about it. But I missed him too...somewhere around day 7.

Of course when I was married to George I never felt the need for the breaks, he treated me like a queen and we were very close, so it was a very different situation. It could be your friend has the first situation instead of the latter.

You're right though, we only wish we had that problem to face! I'd give my right arm to have George back.

[wmjsca]

I did feel the need for breaks, sometimes--not weeks at a time or anything like that. Our relationship was complicated by exes and adult children and his loyalty to his 'first family'. His adult children were (and still are) too dependent. This is difficult for me to fathom since I've been independent since the age of 18, but that's another story.

He and I had finally worked through that and our relationship was strengthened. Yet, our bone of contention was his resistance to marriage, partly because he feared retaliation from the first family, which I thought was ridiculous, causing friction from time to time between us. This was further complicated by the trouble I had over the last few months trying to get him to seek medical attention, not even realizing the condition was fatal. No one knows they won't have tomorrow to iron out problems and relationships do have issues. He was a kind, gentle soul, who treated me very well; but the marriage was on an indefinite hold; not that he wouldn't, just 'not yet' was what he'd say. I used to get so agitated with that, but now, in death I realize why he held out for marrying me because there WOULD have been retaliation from the family, as was evidenced by their total disrepect, not only for me, but for him at his funeral. I mean I could have been a target if I'd had any share of the estate. He knew what he was dealing with and he felt he was protecting me.

It's just necessary for me to write this, I guess to say that we weren't perfect, but our love for each other was real and I was his fiance (according to him, albeit indefinitely), we just ran out of time needed to resolve our situation.

[Cheryl]

I also remember my husband making me crazy and needing a break from being a "wife". A little time to just be me. But I sure don't want to hear it from anyone anymore. Just too painful!

[Sharon3]

what I wouldn't give to have all those comments and thoughts back, including needing a break..it wasn't until he was gone that I realized I loved him as much as I did the first day I met him and would have loved to have learned that lesson another way and while he was still alive. If I had known he was dying, I would have at least had a chance to say those feelings that had gone unsaid but he died suddenly and I never got a chance to say goodbye. I miss him with every inch of me and it has been 20 months and people still make me crazy and say stupid things, I am just able to handle it a LITTLE bit better now. As I have said before I hope somehow he knows how much I love him and miss him....hang in there.

[wmjsca]

Just because we needed a break sometimes did not mean we didn't love them! We're just being honest and human. No relationshp is perfect and everyone has issues. We were two different people trying to remain individual while being together. Sometimes we clashed...it happens. I believe they knew they were loved, if for no other reason than we allowed them to be themselves, even when it made us crazy. I'll always love him....loved him in life and in death as well.

[abergsma]

Yes, when I hear people suggest they need a break now I usually say "don't wish that you are lucky to have each other". Even though I used to say it myself but now look at it so differently.