What's The Point?

[wmjsca]

I just don't know how to become social again without feeling as though people 'pity' me. I mean, I didn't ask for this, nor did I cause it. I didn't ask to be without my partner, and I don't enjoy going to the places I'm invited 'alone'. It's like, as soon as I walk in, I get this look from everybody like, 'that poor thing'. The sad eyes, the sad looks, the comments about him being better off where he is, he's no longer in pain, etc. Then they go on about their lives and I'm in this seemingly separate world where nothing even matters anymore. None of what they're saying matters to me and I know I'll be leaving alone and returning home alone. I just cannot even fathom things will ever feel any better. I find myself timing my arrival and departure like clockwork. How do you get back in touch with the world? I mean, beyond those things that have to be done, what do I care about parties, dinners, movies--anything involving fun? What is fun anymore? I hate that Clint is gone and our life is over. The intense pain has lessened a bit, but when will life make sense again?

[melina]

I understand what you mean. I also feel set apart from everyone else. It's as though a large part of my identity died with my husband. I've never been very social. We tended to stay at home or just go out together. Now I feel obligated when I'm invited to a party or to dinner - but don't really feel like going because invariably I end up feeling even more lonely by the end of the evening.

I don't seem to have that problem with people pitying me any longer. At four and a half months, I think most people seem to hold the attitude that it's time for me to move on and "be normal" again. That can be a challenge too.

By the way - I gave that bereavement group a second chance last night and was glad I did. A couple of new people had joined, and it was good to talk about all these feelings - also the problems with being social. I suppose this is just something that takes time.

Melina

[llynch]

I found this on line and it is how I feel and it looks like everyone feels this way. I would like to just hand it out to everyone and say "here read this! this is how I feel"

Widow's Grief

I wish my husband hadn't died. I wish I had him back

Please don't be afraid to speak my husband's name. My husband lived and was very important to me. I appreciate hearing that he was important to you as well.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my husband, know that it isn't because you have hurt me. My husband 's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my husband, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.

Please don't feel you need to remove his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home. They are a reminder that he lived and loved. They don't make me sad. The fact that he's dead makes me sad. I love to see pictures of him and things he was a part of.

Being a bereaved wife is not contagious, so please don't shy away from me. I need you more than ever. But sometimes I'm not going to be very fun to be around, or I'm not going to accept your invitation. Please don't give up on me and accept me for being able to do what I can cope with at the time. Just because I've said no to the past four invitations doesn't mean I'm going to say no to the next one. I appreciate you patience with me.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I appreciate it if you let me talk about my husband, my favorite topic of the day.

I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my husband's death pains you, too. Please feel free to let me know things through a phone call, a card or a note, or a real big hug.

Please don't expect my grief to be over in this first year. These first few months have traumatic for me, but I need you to understand that my grief will never be over. I will always miss my husband, and I will always grieve that he is dead. I will suffer the death of my husband until the day I die.

Please don't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". I always think about him and happiness is something that I can't just make happen, so don't frustrate yourself. On days when I seem happy or seem not to be thinking about it, know that some bereaved wives are Academy Award winning actresses. And even if I'm genuinely happy, I'm still thinking about him every second of every day and wishing he was here.

I don't want to have a "pity party," but I hope you will let me grieve in the way I need to. I must hurt before I can heal. I will let you know what I need and I'd appreciate it if you just accept whatever it is. I'm working really hard on honoring and feeling my grief, so I heal as well as possible. And know that as I'm healing, large scars are being formed on my heart.

I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.

When I say, "I'm doing okay," I hope you understand that I don't always feel okay and that I struggle daily with this new reality.

I have many new areas in my life that I'm now solely responsible for, plus grieving the loss of my love, and some days, many days, that is overwhelming. When I became a Mom, I knew that my marriage would always remain, that I'd never be a single parent because of divorce. I never thought about being a single parent because of death. It is so hard to just be the only parent and hold down a full time job, without even adding the overwhelming burden of the grief we all feel. Thank you for your support of my family. We need it now more than ever.

I want you to know that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.

I'm not only taking my life one day at a time, but one hour at a time, one minute at a time. Please be patient with me.

Grief changes people. When my husband died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my husband died, and I will never be that person again. Please don't look for her. She's not coming back.

I wish very much that you could understand - understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

[abergsma]

I don't seem to have that problem with people pitying me any longer. At four and a half months, I think most people seem to hold the attitude that it's time for me to move on and "be normal" again. That can be a challenge too.

Isn't that sad...we should move on...hopefully they never go through what we are going through.

llynch, thanks for sharing that note.

[wmjsca]

Isn't that sad...we should move on...hopefully they never go through what we are going through

No one knows unless they've gone through this. They merely speculate as to what they would do and what they think I should do. But, if they ever experience this horrible loss, I can be a source of support for them because then, and only then, will they understand.

[kayc]

It doesn't take too long and they don't pity you anymore, they feel you should be over it, even if they don't say it, you feel it, so that doesn't last. It takes time for you to get used to coming home alone, but after a while you don't expect anything different, it's just how it is. And you quit looking back at the life you shared because it doesn't do any good and you know there's no use wishing. You try to find things you enjoy or some kind of meaning in life...it's not the same, it never will be, but hopefully, eventually, you'll find something, no matter how small, that's good. I wish I could tell you when, but that's a very individual thing, our journeys are all unique.