Putting Away His Things

[Dimcl]

I've had what I call a "brain problem" in the 2 months since Glenn died. I know that this awful, horrible, thing has happened. I know all the gory details, right down to obtaining a copy of the hospital records setting out what happened the night he died. 99% of my brain recognizes this and accepts it. There's 1% of my brain, however, that keeps saying "This isn't real", "This can't be true", "This is a nightmare that I'll wake up from". I find myself standing in the middle of a room, shaking my head and saying to myself, "This isn't true, this didn't happen".

Tonight, I was speaking with a family member who said that part of my frustration is that I seem to be fighting with myself, and I had to acknowledge that this is true. Then, later in the conversation, he asked me if I had changed anything in the house. When I asked what he meant, he said, "Have you moved any of Glenn's things?". I admitted that I hadn't, and he asked "Why?". My answer was that if I did, things wouldn't seem "normal". He didn't pursue it, but after I hung up, I got thinking that perhaps seeing Glenn's glasses on his nightstand, seeing his slippers on the floor, seeing his shoes under the bench in the entry, seeing his coats in the closet, is what's keeping that 1% of my brain from acknowledging his death.

To be honest, I think I'd feel guilty, I'd feel like I'm betraying my darling man, but I know that's an illogical emotion, and I really wonder if just slowly putting things away (I certainly wouldn't get rid of anything at this juncture), would help me get past that little bit of denial.

My question is this: Has anyone else experienced this aspect of denial and, if so, did it go away upon putting your loved ones things away? Did you feel guilty? Was it terribly difficult? How long did you wait to do this? Any advice is most appreciated, because I want to be sure of myself before I make a decision. Thanks to you all.

[Susie Q]

I definitely have the same behaviour - I know he's gone but I find myself saying 'can he really be gone forever - it can't be true' over and over again.

My counsellor says it's a mechanism by my mind to help achive acceptance of a situation that's just too hard to comprehend - like a programmed reality check - ask the question/give myself the answer / move on ....then repeat until the answer becomes embedded somewhere, sometime in the future. She says it will eventually stop ... well 16 months on I'm still asking the question.

I felt the need to put the little things around the house away very early on. It was unbearable to see his yard shoes at the back door, his reading glasses in every room, his golf and camera books on the bedside table, his wallet and car keys waiting etc. It was too pinful a reminder in those early days. As for other things, I've recently started to deal with his special belongings by giving them slowly to special people who will cherish them - his new watch to a favourite nephew, his golf clubs to his favourite brother.

I have also recently packed his clothes away in suitcases and moved some of my things into his wardrobe. Can't give his clothes away just yet -but I'm a step closer to that. I have done each thing when it felt right for me and I've started and stopped a few times too, so my advice is that you'll know when it's right for you. If it's too painful, then stop - the timetable HAS TO BE YOURS.

Has it helped with the denial? No, not really, but what will? It really is too awful to be true, so I understand the continual questioning. I talk to him in my mind, I see him with me, I seek his advice every day but I'm not hallucinating that he's actually standing beside me so I don't think it's a problem. Coping 'with reality' is a bit over-rated in my opinion. I've learned to do what works for me in order to survive.

I don't feel guilty about doing anything with his things - that's all they are - things. I'll keep those belongings that I feel are important to me, I'll share with others what will be a special remembrance for them and the rest I'll eventually donate. I rationalised that he's in my heart now, not my closet so he'd understand.

Good luck and be kind to yourself on this one - it's a really emotional task and a huge hurdle to get over....Susie Q

[west]

I am ten months into my grief journey, and I too ask myself, "Can this be true?" I know my husband has died; it has been long, long nights without him, yet I still have difficulty accepting that I will never see him again. Thank you for sharing your therapist's thoughts; it takes time for the brain to be able to accept reality. May we accept our reality and find some peace.

[wmjsca]

Clint died in October and I put away everything on his side of the bed, I have no idea why I did that since I left everything else out until just last week. I still have all his postal uniforms hanging up and they hit me in the face each time I open the walk-in closet. I have thought of hiding them to block them from view, but not actually putting them away. What good would that do? He is gone forever. I know that, yet putting everything out of sight seems as though I've decided to forget him. That isn't true, of course, but I suppose my mind plays tricks on me. I have accepted the reality of his death, but my mind just won't accept that he was snatched away from me unexpectedly. When will my mind and reality be in sync? I don't know that. Holding on to the presence of his things gives me, what? False hopes that maybe he didn't die and this is all a bad dream, or hope that his memory will always be fresh in my mind? This grief still has a strangle hold on me. I just wish it would let up.

[mfh]

It is 9 months since Bill died and I have not yet removed clothing, treasures, toothbrush and more. I look at it and think about it but I know I will do it when I am ready...no sooner. I still struggle with the reality of his death...still stand in the middle of the room telling myself I am having a major nightmare...someday, when it feels right, I will take his clothes to the Hospice store and pass on his rings and re-arrange the furniture so our two chairs are not sitting here side by side. But I am not ready and one thing I am trying to do is be patient with myself, let myself grieve as long as I need to, and do things when it feels ok. It will never feel right but maybe just ok someday. mfh

[Cheryl]

I have read a lot about grief and how the mind adjusts to loss. Acceptance does not happen by doing any one thing. It is repetitive actions and feelings that start to bring closure and acceptance. It has been 16 months since Mark died. I am just now able to not freak out when I think about him being gone. There is a new awareness, a new reality. I can't really explain it. It was very gradual.

My therapist told me that telling the story of his death over and over to myself, grieving the loss, feeling the pain, facing the horror would bring eventual relief, and it has! I feel so much better this last couple months.

Write letters, talk to others, cry, scream, do what ever it takes to face what really happened.

I didn't get rid of Mark's things or move things because having his things around brought me peace. It also helped me have something normal in my life. I guess if keeping things around puts you in a fairy tale land of denial then perhaps it's not helping. But I would bet that you know he's gone and you have faced the horror of his absence. You just can't believe this has really happened to you.

[Cajie_Laurie]

When Tommy died last June, I moved in with my son and his family within a months time, so I had to pack everything up (his and mine) for the trip from Tampa to North Carolina.

However while I was still at my own house, I kept Tommy's things just where he left them... his glasses, his slippers, his shoes. It gave me a sense that he was still with me as I made important decisions which would change my life.

Now that I'm here, I have certain articles of his with me in my room. His trunk of his stuff he had since he was a teenager is in the shed because of lack of space. But, I'm able to go in and be surrounded by his things... I know I can't keep everything, so I've selected things that meant something to him.... his dad's Irish Jacket, some Christmas decorations, and other articles that I know he'd never give up.

Moving from the home we shared has helped somewhat. I do miss Tampa... But, it was hard for me to even go to the store knowing that the cashier would ask me about Tommy because we always went in together. I found I couldn't buy the foods he liked, even if I liked them too because he should be eating them too.

I guess what I'm saying is you have to do what's best for you. Don't let anyone encourage you to do some thing you aren't ready to do. They do it because they care because they don't want you to be sad any more. Heal on your own time.

[nats]

Dimcl,

I waited 4 months to change the house and closet, I had not slept in the bedroom those 4 months, and my friend who lost her husband advised me it would help and it did, I have redone Ruth's bathroom and made it mine, donated all her clothes except the special pieces which are now wrapped in clothing bags and I have redecorated the house in sutle little ways to adjust, Ruth was creamated and her Urn sits on a special marble and glass table that she loved, with it sits our wedding picture, a couple of angels she loved, a vase of peace lily's and a picture of Christ she built as a puzzle I've framed and hangs above the table, this is her place.

Cleaning out the closet offered closure and helped as I returned to the bedroom within days, we all must go at our own pace you'll know when the time is right just go with your heart, if it seems to give you comfort do it if not postpone it there's no timeline we have to deal with...hope I helped even just a little, take care and God Bless....

NATS