My Mother Has Gone

[yorky]

I lost my dear Mum on the 10th of last month, although she was a good age as people keep telling me how do I cope without my best friend and mother, she was always there at the end of the phone - to listen to my moaning and silly tales.I think I expected the end was near 3 months ago when I got the call but she managed to pull through although very frail . I had made plans to care for her at home but it was never to be she passed away in hospital. I'm finding the anger so difficult to deal with . If she had had the correct medical and basic nursing care which any elderly person has the right to she would be at home with my Dad now. We have made a formal complaint to the hospital and it is been dealt with but now I can feel angry at anyone who seems to me to be insensitive. I just wondered if anyone else has had to deal with a similar situation?.

[niamh]

Yorky

I am so sorry about the loss of your dear Mom,I don't think it matters one single bit how old a parent is,who cares if she was a good age,the fact is your beloved Mom is physically gone from this world.

I wish I had words of comfort,I wish they existed but they don't as far as I'm concerned.

Oh I can relate to your anger with the hospital,only too well. I lost my dearest Dad dec 09,suddenly.he went into hospital with a kidney stone and went into cardiac arrest after 3 xtremely stressful days stuck on a corridor on a trolley in the ER. I can't even describe the anger/rage I have towards the hospital and our so callled health system (I'm in Ireland). My Mom and I are following up with lawyers.my Dad was a heart patient and not once did they ever properly check his heart,the most he got was "have you chest pain" while he was doubled over with side pains from the kidney stone.

I've never ever known a rage like it, it still comes and goes,sometimes I will just scream and shout in my car,it usually turns to tears in the end. All I do is simply try to ride it out when it comes over me,I know it's perfectly normal. I've snapped at my Mom a handful of times but always apologised within sEconds and thankfully she knows it's never intended for her,it's anger at the hospital,at God or whoever,sometimes even with my Dad for leaving me,at nature,life and the list goes on. I guess we need something or soemone to blame because none of us truly knows what death really is or why it is.

I hope that you will find some tiny tiny comfort here just knowing that yep someone else in this world gets it with you.this site is my lifeline,noone judges,noone has expectations,everyone just understands and shares.

I don't know how to do it without my Dad here.everyone always thinks of the big things like birthdays,holidays,anniversaries but it's the small simple things that hurt so often everday,eating his fav dinner without him,reading a joke I can't forward to him and that list is endless but as I say people here get all that.

So all I can do is send you a hug and send love your way

Niamh

[nanasbaby]

Hello, I am sorry for your loss and I can relate to the anger. My mother was 83 years young ) She went in to have polys removed. This should have been a simple procedure. They removed part of her colon and everything went downhill from there. In previous years my mother had survived breast cancer, poor circulation, etc. Last year at this time she had a pace maker inserted. I cried so much when she was going to have the operation. The day after her pacemaker surgery, my brother called. He asked if Id spoken to anyone. My heart began to beat like crazy. As it turns out, my Aunt had died of a heart attack the day my mother had her surgery....

Fast forward to September of 2010..after my mother's surgery to remove the polyps, she was ready to come home when she developed complications: nausea, vomiting, etc. Her kidneys began to shut down so they said they were placing her in the ICU strictly to monitor her more closely. They said her kidneys had shut down due to the dehydration and that is was ACUTE tenal failure. When she entered the ICU she could communicate, eat, walk, talk, everything. The day after she was moved to the ICU she had an exloratory surgery because they thought she would need a colostomy bag. They said she didnt need one after all. However, after that surgery, she seemed to pass away, even though her body remained until December 26th. She required a ventilator, feeding tube, and dialysis. She could never follow even a simple command. The doctors kept saying she was "unresponsive" yet they never told us what her exact mental state was. I asked if she was a in coma or a vegetative state, they told me she not unresponsive that she some days she was very responsive. To me she always seemed to respond to the family especially my father.

After a month in the ICU, she was moved to a rehabilitation center. In my opinion, they didnt even try to reghabilitate her. They labeled her as unresponsive, and let her lay in the bed all day long. She developed severe bed sores and had to have debridement surgery. Her feeding tube fell out numerous times. Despite everything, we held out hope. We talked to her every time we visited. I swear she would nod her head when I would talk to her. The social workers said they could not enroll her into an sort of official rehabilitation program because she was not responsive. So she would just get turned over. I wish she had been in hospice. She was in and out of the hospital in a weekky basis while she was in the nursing home. Everyone treated her lke she was dying. In fact one time I called the hospital to see how she was doing, and the nurse got all exasperated, as if my call was a waste of time since my mother was not going to get better so what sort of news was I expecting to her.. My mother was treated like a lost cause, and that is not how she lived. The only information we ever got from the nursing home was negative. On December17th they told us she could pass away at any time. She stayed with us until December 26th. My father is very angry. So am I. I wanted to have at least one more year..

She took great care of herself and unbelievable that she is no longer here...

[DebFromLodi]

my mom went in for knee replacement surgery. we told them not to give her too many drugs after surgery, she could not handle it. but they did not listen. she was drugged and sent to rehab where they drugged her more and left her in bed all day. brought a tray of food, set it in front of her and picked it up an hour later. never tried to feed her, she lost over forty pounds. then they called us to sit with her at night, they said she kept trying to escape and they could not control her. at this time, she was actually walking by herself, but was so drugged she did not know what she was doing. we took turns at her bedside 24/7 for awhile. they tried to get her to walk for awhile, but gave up and left her in bed. then they said she could go home, we fought them saying she could not eat, could not walk or take care of herself. we won the fight and she stayed another six weeks till they basically kicked her out and she had to go live with my brother. it was a mess. we finally had to put her in a "home" for constant care. she never did walk again and on 2/2/2008 they called us saying she was non responsive and we all gathered at her bedside and watched her slip away. she was 91 when she passed. she was 89 when the surgery was done. we should have done something to the rehab center, but did not. we just never thought she would die. if only we could go back and do it differently. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MOM.

[sweetpea]

Yorky:

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on November 5th, 2010.

It was a sad day for my whole family and it is hard for us all to cope also.

Alot of anger going on here now and hurtful things when we should be pulling

together and holding each other close.

My mother was married twice and half brothers and sisters have

seperated with their father who is still alive.

Even tho we have known him longer than his kids he treats us bad like we don't exist.

It is very hurtful but, nothing has

been the same since she's been gone.

[yorky]

I would like to say thank you to the messages posted here it does help to know that I am not alone in my feelings although it is so terribly sad to think that many other elderly parents and thier family are having to cope with the ordeal. I pray that maybe by making that complaint heard it could improve the care given by the people we trust to care for our mothers and fathers. Thank you again for words of comfort x

[sweetpea]

I would like to say thank you to the messages posted here it does help to know that I am not alone in my feelings although it is so terribly sad to think that many other elderly parents and thier family are having to cope with the ordeal. I pray that maybe by making that complaint heard it could improve the care given by the people we trust to care for our mothers and fathers. Thank you again for words of comfort x

Your welcome yorky

[niamh]

I would like to say thank you to the messages posted here it does help to know that I am not alone in my feelings although it is so terribly sad to think that many other elderly parents and thier family are having to cope with the ordeal. I pray that maybe by making that complaint heard it could improve the care given by the people we trust to care for our mothers and fathers. Thank you again for words of comfort x

you're more than welcome!

i agree yorky,sometimes I have such an idealistic view wishing I could change something in our screwed up system,all we do here (IRE)is complain to each other but most people don't take it far enough to those that need to change the system. I'm waiting to see if the hospital was negligent (they will always be in my mind) but if they are legally then I'd like to be able to fight the system,try for some change,even one tiny one that may prevent someone else dealing with the crap we've been dealt.

Who knows but I'll try my best for my Dad.

[Cat_Lady]

I have just lost my Mom, she was 80, on January 4th and still cannot believe it is true. I am having the worst time trying to clean out her apartment but am managing short stints with at least one day in between visits. I want to call her to talk to her about any little thing because she was always there for me and we always talked daily. I feel so lost and alone. I am an only child and my father passed 11 years ago. I cannot sleep and so I found this site in the hopes of finding others who know what it is to lose their Mom.

[niamh]

I have just lost my Mom, she was 80, on January 4th and still cannot believe it is true. I am having the worst time trying to clean out her apartment but am managing short stints with at least one day in between visits. I want to call her to talk to her about any little thing because she was always there for me and we always talked daily. I feel so lost and alone. I am an only child and my father passed 11 years ago. I cannot sleep and so I found this site in the hopes of finding others who know what it is to lose their Mom.

Cat_Lady,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom and for the loss of your Dad too. I am an only child too and I cannot even imagine your pain of being in a world without both of your parents. I am beyond lost without my Dad.

I always loved being an only child and wouldn't change it for anything but sometimes I find it hard not having someone else who knew what it was like to be my Dad's child.

You've come to the right place and hopefully you will find some bit of comfort with others here being able to relate to you.

sending hugs and love your way

Niamh

[nanasbaby]

Hello Cat Lady,

Im sorry for the loss of your mother. I lost my mother on December 26th and we are going to clean out her closets this weekend. As everyone else has said you have come to the right place.

[hazleprew]

Hope im not too late to jump into this discussion. I am a personal support worker, I work in a nursing home with the elderly, and i have seen many residents come and go and their families are always distrought. A parent is a parent and its so incredably difficult to go on with life without them. I have to say though the neglect in our healthcare systems certianly doesnt discriminate. My mother was 49 years young, she went back and forth from our hospital and family pysician from april to october 2010. The doctors treated her as if she was a pest, she thought she was going crazy, she had constant headaches, night sweats and nausia. One doctor in emerg actually said to her " im not here to cure you jill, im here to treat your symtoms, so i suggest you take some tylenol and go to bed."

After that incident I had enough and was very concerned for her. I took her to the emerg in the city and with 32 hours after we arrived she was diagnosed with lymphoma. That was on October the 8th. They sent her home and told her she would soon be starting chemo. 6 weeks later still no chemo and several phone calls to the hospital as to why with no definitive answers. She was sent up on the 14th of november for a secpnd biopsey and the next day we had to rush her back to the hospital. Her skin and whites of her eyes were yellow, she was having renal failure. They suddenly had a rush on the 2nd biopsey which took them only 3 days to complete, and she started chemo on the 25th. One hour after her first chemo treatment her vital signs dropped and we had to make a decisions to try to help her body with a breathing tube and dialysis, she passed away the next day. I feel as though the health care system failed my mother and family miserably. I have so much anger inside it physically hurts my chest. She left behind a devoted loving husband, three children and seven grandchildren under 6.

[niamh]

hazleprew,

oh wow, I'm so sorry that you have this additional trauma added to your grief. It's hard to imagine a doctor saying something like that to your Mom, how dare he.

Your health system absolutely failed your Mom, failed you and your entire family.

I get the anger with it, with the doctors, the hospital. my Dad was due home hours after he left this world. He went in with a kidney stone and although they confirmed it, he was a heart patient but there way of "monitoring" his heart was simply asking if he had chest pain, as if he was capable of noticing that when he was in so much agony with the kidney stone, he often had to wait 30 mins for the injection to relieve the pain. He was also stuck on a trolley on the corridor of the ER so I often wonder and think it was probably too much trouble to hook up a heart monitor and they probably didn't have room, didn't have power sockets, time etc so just couldn't be bothered. So now me & Mom are left with the consequences of this $hit system we also have, consequences that have destroyed every single aspect of our lives. I asked twice that night we were called to the hospital why his heart wasn't checked properly as it always had been in the other hospital he went to (his "own" hospital didn't have any urologists so he was sent away from it). Anyways, I got real smart a$$ answer with attitude of "we confirmed it was kidney stone, there was no need to monitor his heart" .Because my Mom was with me and I didn't want to upset her more I kept my mouth shut but I wanted to rip into them so badly for not monitoring my Dad properly like he deserved, like every human being deserves.

But I followed up afterwards and am in the process of having it investigated if the hospital was legally negligent. It won't bring him back, it won't make things any easier but for me personally if I can have even 1, of the million questions I have, answered then it's worth it. Regardless of the outcome, they will forever be negligent as far as we are concerned.

I find the anger comes and goes, well it's always there, it's always inside me and always will be, sometimes it still comes to the surface and I can physically feel my heart racing, my blood boiling. I think part of it is with the hospital but another part is just at the world itself, God or whoever created us, if somebody did .........someone took my Dad from this world and I want that "person" to come justify those actions to me (sounds nuts I know!!!). I think we all think it's not going to happen to us, I think I always thought my Dad was always going to be here, I could never ever imagine a world without him.

I was always aware of people being failed by health systems, in my country, other countries but until it comes to your front door we don't truly realise just how bad it is. Now everytime I hear about the issues with so many people on trolleys (it hit an all time high last week) I wonder how many of those families will get the call we got because hospitals are understaffed and under resourced.

I wish we could understand it all but we can't. I only hope that you may find some comfort here knowing that others can relate to some of how you feel.

sending a big hug your way

Niamh

[2sweetgirls]

Yorky,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mom. I lost both of my parents within 10 months time.

There is never a "good age" for a loved one to pass. It is painful no matter what. This is said to you because people simply don't know what to say. It is unfortunate but, I really do believe that there is never the right thing to say and if someone doesn't say anything at all that is not right either. It is completely a lose lose situation.

The anger is a normal part of this whole stinking process. I have said some nasty horrible things to my husband that I NEVER would have said before but, I opened my mouth and all the deep down from the bottom of my soul feelings came pouring out directed but, indirectly, at him. Luckily, he handled me the right way. The anger is hard but normal.

I wish I had a magic formula for what to say or do to make it all better, we both know, I don't. All I can say is I'm sorry and all that you are feeling is "normal".

Cat_lady,

First of all, so sorry for the loss of your mom and your dad 11 years ago. Welcome to this site. You can rest easily that all of us on this site have experienced or are experiencing what you are feeling at some time or another. You can write ANYTHING and we will not judge. I will also venture to say that at least a couple of people will be shaking their heads in front of their computer because of similar feelings.

Please keep sharing when you can.

Peace to all.

2sweetgirls

[DebFromLodi]

Hope im not too late to jump into this discussion. I am a personal support worker, I work in a nursing home with the elderly, and i have seen many residents come and go and their families are always distrought. A parent is a parent and its so incredably difficult to go on with life without them. I have to say though the neglect in our healthcare systems certianly doesnt discriminate. My mother was 49 years young, she went back and forth from our hospital and family pysician from april to october 2010. The doctors treated her as if she was a pest, she thought she was going crazy, she had constant headaches, night sweats and nausia. One doctor in emerg actually said to her " im not here to cure you jill, im here to treat your symtoms, so i suggest you take some tylenol and go to bed."

After that incident I had enough and was very concerned for her. I took her to the emerg in the city and with 32 hours after we arrived she was diagnosed with lymphoma. That was on October the 8th. They sent her home and told her she would soon be starting chemo. 6 weeks later still no chemo and several phone calls to the hospital as to why with no definitive answers. She was sent up on the 14th of november for a secpnd biopsey and the next day we had to rush her back to the hospital. Her skin and whites of her eyes were yellow, she was having renal failure. They suddenly had a rush on the 2nd biopsey which took them only 3 days to complete, and she started chemo on the 25th. One hour after her first chemo treatment her vital signs dropped and we had to make a decisions to try to help her body with a breathing tube and dialysis, she passed away the next day. I feel as though the health care system failed my mother and family miserably. I have so much anger inside it physically hurts my chest. She left behind a devoted loving husband, three children and seven grandchildren under 6.

I get the anger too. When my mom was in rehab after knee replacement surgery. They were basically kicking her out saying she was rehabilitated. Well, she could not walk, could not feed herself, could not dress herself, was on too much medication and when I tried to fight it, the woman in charge said "I don't think you even want your mom to return home." Well, I blew it and said a few words I shouldn't have said and called the amsbudsmen (can't spell it) and she got to stay 6 more weeks. But at the end of that time, it was too late. They left her in bed too long and too many drugs later, we finally had to put her in a nursing home for constant care. She almost died once, but they gave her a blood transfusion and she survived almost another year, but at the home. The four of us, plus all our kids, were there daily. On Feb 2, 2008 they called us saying she was non responsive. We were all with her at 11:34 a.m. when she left us. I think of her constantly, missing and loving her. Talking to her all the time. Praying for a sign from her...but nothing comes to me. I pray for all of us to find comfort.

[2sweetgirls]

Hazleprew,

I must have missed your post somehow when I read last but, I had to reply now.

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. The experience sounds horrible on top of the pain already felt. We had the opposite experience with dad-his primary Dr. actually kissed him on the forehead after he signed the order to send him to Hospice. My brother can't get that image out of his head (this happened before I arrived at the hospital). It makes the whole loss of a dear loved one that much harder when there are so many other things that cloud your mind.

I'm so sorry!!!

Peace today, tomorrow and always

2sweetgirls

[sweetpea]

I have just lost my Mom, she was 80, on January 4th and still cannot believe it is true. I am having the worst time trying to clean out her apartment but am managing short stints with at least one day in between visits. I want to call her to talk to her about any little thing because she was always there for me and we always talked daily. I feel so lost and alone. I am an only child and my father passed 11 years ago. I cannot sleep and so I found this site in the hopes of finding others who know what it is to lose their Mom.

Hi Cat_Lady: I Am sorry for your loss and I know how u feel. I lost my mother on 11-5-2010 and it is just

as hard now as it was then. You can talk to me if you need someone to talk to i will listen..I hope things get better for you soon.