Regretting Social Events

[melina]

I'm on a weekend trip with friends - a trip I thought might be a good idea when I agreed to it. But now - not even halfway through, I'm feeling miserable. All I can think about is my husband - how WE should have been taking this trip, how much fun and relaxation we'd have together. I'm really struggling, keep getting tears in my eyes and I know I'm bringing people down because I don't feel like doing anything.

I had to hurry and log on to the internet now in a free moment to talk to you - my friends who would understand.

We're leaving again tomorrow afternoon, but I don't know how I'm going to get through this day, or tomorrow morning, for that matter. This was a big, big mistake.

I'm afraid I'm going to become a social recluse and be alone and lonely the rest of my life.

Words of comfort and encouragement please!!!

Melina

[Nick]

Hi,

I would be honest with your friends maybe you just need to be alone. Nothing wrong with that your not ready. I'm sure your friends understand and I could see how it would sound like a good idea! We truly never know how we are going to react to any one situation until were placed in it I'm sorry for your sadness. You could also do one or two things with your friends then spend the rest of the time alone just some ideas. Do what is right for you don't put pressure on yourself that will only make it worse.

Take care!

[mfh]

I agree. I got myself into a situation similar to that and just went home. Home feels as safe a place as I can get right now (new behavior). Or tell your friends that they should go and do what they want to do and stay put...bottom line....what you are experiencing is real and valid and you do not need anyone's approval to be yourself...listen to YOUR voice and do what you feel hour to hour. I am told we won't be lonely and sad forever...still waiting for evidence on that one.

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I so agree with everything that has been said. I understand exactly Melina. What you are feeling is so valid and understandable. I want to acknowledge your courage at making the decision to go. It is like testing the waters Melina and sometimes we need to just get our feet wet and go back to what feels safe again. Then in time, after more healing, we get the courage to try again, and we find we can wade in the water up to our knees now. Eventually, we are able to get through a social time and even feel joy again in doing so. This is how it has been for me anyhow.

We are alongside Melina as you test the waters and lean into "life" again. I encourage you to "trust" what feels right for you to do and that you are not responsible for anyone else. I have found that what I interpreted may bring others down for a time, ultimately they are lifted and are encouraged by my decision to do what feels right for me.

I am sending you a HUG!

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Melina,

It won't be this way forever, but it is to be expected and understood that these times will happen. I agree with Carol Ann, you should be commended for making the effort. I understand you're not wanting to bring your friends down, but neither can you deny how you're feeling, and what you're going through is valid too.

I would just be open and honest with your friends. Tell them what you're feeling and going through and that you really want them to go and have a good time, but that you need some alone time to process and deal with what you are going through. Tell them you appreciate them for bringing you with them and you love and value them, and you really do want them to go have fun and someday you'll be up to the joining in, but that someday is not quite here yet.

I'm sorry the weekend isn't going like you'd thought, I promise you, it really will get better but it hasn't been that long yet and it takes more of the journey to get there.

Love,

Kay

[melina]

Thanks everyone for your comfort. The title should read Regretting social events, not event. But it's hard to type on this thing.

I'm freaking out in this hotel room, regretting this trip intensely. I just want to go home, but my flight doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon. I'm in Edinburgh, just an hour flight from my home in Norway - extremely cheap ticket. But I would swim home if I could.

It's a long time since I last felt this much fear and anxiety. Being alone - maybe for the rest of my life. No one could ever know me or connect with me the way my husband, Thyge could. I really feel like an orphaned child. The sobbing just won't stop.

Melina

[sunstreet]

Oh dear Melina, I am so sorry...just let the tears flow...it is OK. You are safe, we all are with you. Try laying down on the bed/the couch. close yor eyes if you feel safe, if not leave them open, place your hands on your tummy, and focus on your breath, and try to take in deep breaths and feel your tummy rise, and then let the breath go and while you are doing that think of a place either in your imagination or somewhere that you have been that when you think of this place you feel safe, and loved. I too felt like an orphaned "child" in the beginning and it did change for me Melina, and I felt like the adult widow that I am, and it all became less frightening for me.

I have Faith in you Melina. I have seen your strength and your courage, it is still there even though right now you don't feel it. Right now, the "orphaned child" needs to grieve some too. Something I do, is I think on myself as a child is I imagine myself as the adult woman that I am picking her up in my arms and hug her and tell her that I love her and I will always be there for her, so the child in me feels safe and less alone.

I know it feels as an absolute eternity till you can go home. Imagine us all there with you putting in the time too. You are doing just fine Melina even though it feels it is all crumbling down all around you, this too will pass.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[MartyT]

Melina, dear, you know that we're all right here with you ~ you are NOT ALONE.

Since you have access to your computer, in addition to the relaxation and visualization exercises Carol Ann suggests, you might look online for some soothing music you can listen to. Here are some relaxation videos on You Tube that you might try:

And here is a site dedicated to promoting healthy, conscious breathing, including specific guided exercises: Do As One

Edited January 16, 2011 by MartyT
Another resource added

[Deb625]

Hi Melina, I had the same "type" of event, 3 months after Michael passed. Our friends had got together at a Blues Festival for over 10years, Michael and I always attended, as singles and for the last 7 years as a couple. My girlfriend said it would just be "bad business" not to go all that "stuff" about life going on and such. I went,it was okay but it was never good. I "camped" in my car, which gave me some solitude, I can't say I participated in any way, shape or means, but I went. My friends were understanding, they let me "be" alone and let me cope with the event. Looking back, as painful as it was, it was good to get out of my head, out of my house. This road we're on, is rocky and full of twists and turns,but we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope your friends understand and give you the praise for making the effort as my Michael would say "you did good". It will be 8 months this week since my Michael passed. It doesn't seem real and hurts every day, I still haven't had a day without tears - I see progress and keep working on "me" and the "new" life I have - but I know I'm still in infancy and I might be learning to crawl now, I still have a long way to walking... I think it is good to make the effort and to give yourself a big pat on the back for doing it. As many on this site attest it gets easier as we change and learn to live this new life we didn't choose - we don't "get better" and we won't "forget" the person who was so much a part of our everyday life... We are alive and have to keep trying to "live", I know my Michael wouldn't want me to be sad, though I know I haven't been happy since he died - I'm waiting for the day - I also realize I'm not the same person I was pre May 16th - I have fundamentally changed, not by choice, but by a tragic event. I believe the only way to get through each day is to continue is to keep trying... So way to go girl! Take care, Deb

[melina]

Thanks everyone for answering and helping me out. Yes I'm sure it was an important step to take this trip on my own, without my husband. I got back last night and am at work now. But I notice that even though it was a big step, something I managed to get through - I'm feeling really down now. I think the stress just knocked me off my feet and I have to fight back tears at work.

I'm feeling this sense of deep sadness and loss all over again. I know it's a roller coaster ride, but I'm getting really tired of feeling okay, just to get knocked down again into the gutter. It's so hard to climb back up again.

Life is so lonely now. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find someone new to spend my life with. The problem is, I will always be comparing anyone new to my husband. And of course they'll fall short, because each person is unique and no one can ever be him.

Melina

[sunstreet]

Melina, I understand and I want to offer you hope that each time we venture out in life again the pain gets less and less palpable. Eventually, we can go out and engage in social activities and even feel some joy again....hang in dear Melina.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann