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Not Living In The World Of "what If"

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I lost my Dan 5 months ago we were technically together for 10 months. He passed away from a major heart attack at our new home in my arms. Right from the beginning our relationship had struggled with the "what if" factor. We first met when we were 14 in high school. There were sparks right from the start but at the time I was dating someone else. We remaind best friends all through high school and he was even an usher at my wedding. So after my seperation after 20 years we recindled our friendship and decided to give "us" a try. We were sooooo happy he moved in after a month and we found ourselves talking about the old days and saying "what if". We finally agreed to not do that to ourselves. I have three boys whom I am sooo proud of and he had a son who was the apple of his eye. So how could we regret the path we had taken. So we decided to just be greatful for the here and now that we felt was a gift. Now that he is gone and Im feeling so empty its hard to not do the "what if" thing again. I have to try and remember all the amazing gifts Dan has brought to my life and be thankful that we never took each other for granted. We crammed more memories and amazing times into our 10 months then anyone I know. From birthdays, christmas,valentines day,concerts,vacations,visits with our amazing families ,romantic dinners out, to a dance in the living room at halftime of the Grey cup. For all these reasons and many more I will try my very hardest to not live in the world of "what if" and always try to be greatful for life and all its gifts. I LOVE you Dan and always will!!!!! xo

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Guest Nicholas

Regrets, "what ifs" and "if onlys" are an inevitable part of grieving. They are natural but ultimately negative. Everything in this life is impermanent, so just remember the good times you were able to share together. I could regret the fact that I was unable to stop my son drinking himself to such a premature death at just 43, but I tried my best and now cannot change the past.

Be strong.

With metta


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I am so sorry for your loss. All of us here know how hard it is to lose the love of your life. I want to thank you for posting your story, it was beautiful. I've struggled with "what ifs" since Tim died and your story triggered something in me that made me also realize I have to let them go and just remember our beautiful memories and love.


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Thank you for sharing...I am very sorry you lost Dan but I am so glad you got those ten months together first. I knew my husband 6 1/2 years and was married to him for 3 years 8 months, and in the relative scheme of things, that seems very short. But one thing is for sure, having been through some of life's experiences before coming together, we really had the ability to appreciate each other, and just as you said, we crammed a lot in to our short life together...it was the fullest, the happiest it possibly could have been during that time. I have no regrets.

Please keep coming here, it's a good place to be while you walk this journey. Here we know we are not alone and all that we feel is valid.

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Thank you for sharing about your wonderful life together and I am so sorry for your loss. I could not agree with Nicholas more that the regrets, the "what ifs" and the "if onlys" are an inevitable part of grief and loss. It is hard sometimes to not stay in that space and it is OK if we find ourselves in that space but I do also agree with Nicholas that ultimately it is "negative" and "hinders" our healing.

It is my firm belief that we all do the best we can in each moment of life and we can not ask more of ourself or anyone else. Think on the joy you shared together, and you can carry it foward with you forever!

I wish you continued peace and healing.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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