Apathy

[melina]

This is almost like keeping a journal. I'm just reaching the 6 month mark and though the last week or so have been hard, with bouts of crying, my downs aren't as down and they don't last as long.

One of my main problems right now is apathy. I call it my "whatever" mode. I don't seem to care about anything. This is not what I would call depression, but nothing seems to matter much and I have no motivation to do anything. When I look around the house, I can see that I should vacuum, clean the bathrooms or repair a few things, but I don't care enough to do it. I have to go to work every day, go shopping, make dinner and walk the dog - but all these things I do robotically - going through the motions without any feeling one way or the other. I don't feel any need to be social and I haven't picked up my hobbies for a couple of weeks now. They just seem meaningless.

The worst thing - and this I do feel bad about - is that I have also sort of lost interest in my own kids. I make dinner for my son who's at home and talk with him, I talk to my older kids on the phone and congratulate them on their achievements, but inside I feel no real enthusiasm for them either.

This actually does alarm me.

Is this kind of behavior normal? Has anyone else experienced it - either at 6 months or later?

Melina

[wmjsca]

Hi Melina,

It's been three months for me as of 1/22/10 and I can relate to the 'whatever' mode. I've been there throughout and except for brief moments of light, it's the pervasive mood for me.

I have tried to deal with this in as positive a mode as possible, especially for my son, who is exhibiting some destructive behaviors. He told me on Friday that he is destroying his toys, etc, because he feels that if he makes enough noise, Clint will somehow be able to 'hear' it. He misses Clint's presence and I try to help him as best I can.

I have totally denied my own well being, as well. I have late stage kidney disease myself which is a recent diagnosis and while I don't know my fate, I somehow am not afraid of death because I believe then I'll see Clint again. But I can't throw in the towel because I need to be here at least to see my son grow up. I don't want to leave him here alone.

I understand where you are and for me, the future isn't guaranteed--even if I did somehow get through the grief of Clint's loss. I struggle with my own uncertainty as well as not caring about anything day to day.

I guess I wish I had some wisdom to share, but I really don't I just wanted to lend an ear and support you. I know you miss your love and the pain of that makes everything else in life meaningless. You're right. Tasks get done, but that's it.

I don't think your disinterest in your kids is a heartless reaction, it's just the way it is. It doesn't mean you don't love and care, just that the grief is first and foremost. We are trying to live our lives with a gigantic hole which will never be filled. A big part of our lives has been snatched away. We are trying to function while constantly faced with being alone and it just gets to be too much sometimes.

I think you'll eventually pick up your hobbies again, but then you'll go into the apathetic mode as well. It moves in and out constantly. I've heard people who have years of grief behind them say the same. The sadness may not attack each day, but is replaced by this 'apathy' at times. This is simply part of the process and must be felt along with all the other emotions involved. Give yourself a break. You're doing what's expected. You're healing.

[MartyT]

Melina, dear, your post reminds me of an earlier thread you may want to read, What's the Sense?

[sunstreet]

Melina,

I relate to how you are feeling. I felt like that before as well. I want to encourage you though that for me it did pass. I am not a professional bereavement counselor by any stretch, but I have lost my spouse to death, and am further down the road than you. So in my lay opinion I think your behavior and thoughts are so normal.

For the longest time, life seemed meaningless to me, if Melissa was not part of life any more. I don't have children alive anymore so I can not relate to that part of how you are feeling. I did though lose interest in my cat's, and please don't hear me comparing my cat's to your children for that is not my intent at all. I just wanted to share that for a time, I lost interest in grooming my cats, playing with my cats, interacting with them at all. So the only thing similar is that feeling of loosing interest. In fact, I remember even feeling some anger that my cat's were still here and Melissa was not. It is like my cat's were a reminder to what I had lost. I can share for me that passed as well. I honestly can't say at what time in my journey this happened, for the first 3 years after Melissa died, it is still quite a blurr to me. But for sure I remember feeling this way. I also felt again briefly after the recent parole hearing, but only a very short while.

I wish you continued peace and healing.

Blessings and Coruage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear wmjsca,

When I read your reply to Melina and learned that you have late stage kidney disease on top of having to grieve Oh I just began to cry. My heart is aching for you. Please know that I am holding you in gentle thought and prayer. I don't know if it would help your son to express his pain but I want to share what is happening at the long term care facility where I volunteer. One of the reseidents recently passed away and his great grand-daughter is having a very difficult time. I invited her to come and sit on the bench with me at the piano as I played and invited her to sing along if she wanted. I played twinkle twinkle little star, she did not join in the singing right away but then did. I played the song twinkle twinkle little star and told her that it was her great Grand-father's favourite. I don't know if your son is interested in music at all, but it can be a great tool to express feelings.

I know there are no words to take it all away. I just wanted you to know that I care.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Melina,

I think what you're feeling is very common. It was years before I could watch tv and I still can't read a book. My friend lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago and hasn't touched her hobbies since...I probably wouldn't have either but a couple of friends literally forced me back into it.

I don't recall lack of interest in my kids but then they're grown and only come home on occasion so it might be different for me.

Some interest should pick up eventually, but it will probably never be like it was before...I've noticed my focus is different than it was before.

[kayc]

wmjsca,

wow, I didn't realize you were diagnosed with late stage kidney disease...and you're grieving too? Geez, that seems like a LOT to deal with at once! I hope you have a good support system and help with your son.

[wmjsca]

Thanks everybody. I was a little surprised that the disease had advanced this far, but I really didn't take very good care of the diabetes for many years. I just never cared a lot about myself so I have to pay the price now.

It's a little late to begin caring now, I guess, but the doctors say that there's some time between stage 4 and 5, it just depends on lifestyle changes to keep things functioning without having to go the dialysis route yet. I'm hopeful for at least enough time to see my baby grow up.

I hope you're having a better day today, Melina.

Take care.

[melina]

Wmjsca,

I'm so sorry to hear about your kidney disease. But if you can prolong the time before you need dialysis and get a little healthier by lifestyle changes, then I'm rooting you on. I've been told by my doctor to make a few lifestyle changes myself in order to stay healthy. So maybe we can make a pact to do it together - for our kids.

Melina

[wmjsca]

Thanks Melina. Sounds like a good pact. I'm doing better and am much more watchful of some of my 'bad habits'. I hope your day is a good one.

[sunstreet]

Dear Wmjsca,

I wanted to offer this link to you to some kidney stories of hope. I also want to encourage you that it is NEVER to late. I am glad to hear that you are feeling some better emotionally. I live with type 1 diabetes and suffer from mild neuropathy in my feet and legs. So far my kidneys are fine. I really want to encourage you to let go of any judgements in so far as the thought " I should have taken better care" I work as a Pharmacy Technician and Diabetes Educator and in doing so I have witnessed many many patients with kidney disease at various stages. One thing I can say that I have learned is that there is always HOPE! One of my favorite customers is a 80 year old woman who has been on dialysis now for 20 years, and the doctors told her 10 years ago that she would need a transplant within 1 year. Well, here it is 10 years later and still has her own kidneys. She said to me when the doctors told her that she would need a transplant within a year, she stood up looked them straight in the eyes and said "I have always looked at life through the glass that is "half full" and if you doctors are going to choose to see my life through the glass that is "half empty" then I need to be referred to different doctors!

Here is the link...

http://204.92.98.237/Page.aspx?pid=1303

Dear Melina,

I hope that you too are feeling a little better emotionally now too. The apathy you speak of for me did pass....I pray it is so for you to in time.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann