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My Soul Mate Is Gone


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I was 23, he was 49. I was headed to college, he was a retired service man. I had 3 kids under the age of 6, he had 4 kids my age. We worked together and one day after work back in 1990 a bunch of us went to the bar. He asked me to dance........I didnt know how to dance the way he did. Needless to say I learned! From that first dance we knew we were ment to be together. His kids didnt like me at all and stopped coming around or having much to do with him. 1999 my kids decided they wanted to go live with their dad. The story behind that is my kids didnt like him. He was very military and strict. I was the buffer between my kids and my soul mate. I thought my kids wanted to live with their dad because of my soul mate, so after much soul searching I decided to move out for a while with my kids. I felt like I was having to pick between my kids and my soul mate. My heart was broken, but I picked my kids. January of 2000 my kids went to live with thier dad, they told me they didnt ever want to go back to "his" house, and if I went back they would not want to come visit. I pretty much shut my soul mate out of my life because I didn't think there was anyway to fix things. (When I was a little girl my mother choose a man over me, I went to live with my grandparents.) My soul mate and I saw each other every now and then and talked alot about what had happened. Anyway, June 2003 I had two of my kids with me, now 15 and 13. We saw my soul mate and he asked them if they would like to have lunch with him. They said yes. We had many lunches, several dinners and two day trips throughout the summer. It was nice to see that they were making amends and that they were getting along. In August I had to take my kids back to their dad, on the way back the kids told me that it would be fine if I moved back in with him. I was so excited. It is a two day trip to take the boys back to their dad and by the time I got back to my town I needed to go to my mothers and get my head on straight. A lot had changed between me and my soul mate during the 4 years of our separation. In 1996 we were married, but Feb. of this year he had filed for divorce and it was final March 1st. He said he filed because taxes were killing him filing as separated. I was so devastated when I got the papers I just signed them and sent them back. Anyway, Sept 2nd I went to my mothers, I came home the 13th. I had called my soul mate a few times while I was gone and everything seemed fine. When I got home the night of the 13th I called his cell phone and his youngest daughter answered his phone........she said they were all at the VA hospital and he was dying. His daughter let me talk to him on the phone for a brief minute, he said, "baby, my true love, my soul mate, I love you, this is it, this is the big one, Im out of here.......later". He died at 3am on the 14th of Sept. I cant go on, my heart is broken. We had plans of getting back together. He had asked me to remarry him, he was 62 but he said lets have a love child. Today is day 19 without him.

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I was so sad to read your story and I really feel for you. You have gone through so much, your strength will help you and I hope all the people around you are helping too. Keep care of yourself and I'm thinking of you at this oh so difficult time.

Love and Hugs

NickyA

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BIG HUGS from me........Im so sorry to read your sad story.........oh and Im so sure you still feel bad..it takes time.....and lots of it to start to feel normal again after a loss....I wish you so much strength to get through this difficult period......

Eventually you will be able to look back to your soul mate and smile for what you had.....but this day must seem so far away just now......

Take good care and dont try to rush things !!

Thinking of you and sending my love...God bless you !

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Thank you bev for your thoughts. Today is day 28 and I am wondering when I will stop know what day it is and be able to say....its been 3 months, 9 months and then a year or even 3 years. Our aniversary is coming up shortly and I dont know how Im going to get through that day. I know that we werent living together anymore or even married but he had asked me to remarry him and I said yes the day was going to be our original wedding day. It has already been so hard. I just do one day at a time. When does the hurting stop and the shock. I wonder if my heart has been so numb to protect me from the hurt that is really there, if that is so then Im thankful for the numbness and Im dreading it if the hurt is to get worse. Thank you again. This site has helped me a lot, just reading that Im not the only one. Just a few days ago I started takin it by the day instead of the hour. Sleep has final returned and I have been eating a bit more, I guess that is a good sign, but its still on and off.

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  • 2 weeks later...

39 days and I feel like Im going backwards. I havent gone out of the house for almost a week now. I cant sleep again, Im crying all the time. I tried making my days have meaning but they just dont. I cant seem to start moving ahead. I get up, get dressed, and then just sit waiting for night to come so I can be in the dark. I try to block out all the what if's and think about right now. I thought I was stronge but Im not. I miss him so bad. The smell of his hair, the feel of his chest against my back, his smile, his blue eyes, his laugh, the little things we used to say. How come I started going backwards again? How do I recover?

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Dear Soulmate,

First, I am so saddened that you have had to search out a group such as this, as I know just how high the cost of admission is... the loss of a loved one. I wish that I had some sage advice to ease your pain, but truthfully I have none. I can relate to your posts, as I have been where you are myself.

My other half, Bob, died quite suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack in my arms in our bed. That was 8 years ago this past August 3. The shock shut me down and immersed me in a dark, surreal place that was free from the realization that my life had totally changed through no choice of mine. Slowly my mind would bring me back to the surface of reality, and then the pain and utter loss would hit full force. My mind did whatever was necessary to protect me, allowing me to feel the loss as long as I was able, then I would sink back into that oblivion again. From talking to others who have experienced grief, I think this is a fairly normal coping mechanism, one of many that we all go through.

My best encouragement from my own experience is to just take each moment one at a time, and try to deal with it. If it means tears, cry them, if it is shouting at the top of your lungs, then do that. I found the shower and the car my safety places. Don't worry about what it will be like tomorrow, or how you think you should be acting or reacting. This is a journey that you must make on your own. When you find someone who is willing to sit and listen to you ramble on and on, do that, and if you can't find that person in your life, come online and find a group that understands. Many people find that keeping a journal of their thoughts and emotions helps, others find that writing letters to their loved one is the key. There is no hard and fast rule to get through this. If there was a magic pill to take, we would all be buying it.

Bob was 47 when he died, I was 45. Needless to say, we were not prepared for the death of either one of us. I was forced financially to return to work after 3 weeks, and I thank God everyday for my coworkers who covered for me, dotting my i's and crossing my t's. Even though I was in a fog most of the time, I think that working saved my sanity. Eventually I emerged from the shock and denial to handling my grief. When I finally got online and found a group of others who had experienced loss, I finally began to see light on the other side of that valley. As I had said before, it has been 8 long years, and for me I miss Bob each and every day. Life is good once again, and I have grown and found joy in living. I take Bob with me through each and every experience, as he is in my heart and always will be, just as your soul mate will stay with you.

Know that you are being thought of tenderly, and I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in for when the pain becomes unbearable.

Love and Blessings,

Lynda(bobsgal)

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  • 3 weeks later...

bobsgal,

thank you so much for your kind words. I have copied and pasted your note to my notebook so I can read it often. I cry every single time I read it, but it does help so much. It has been 59 days and Im still not sure if I will make it. I miss him so terribly bad. On the outside I have adapted to appearing normal and doing ok. My family and friends were starting to question my stability. On the inside its still so dark and lonely. My safe places have been my car and the shower also. I still lay awake at night and stare at the ceiling thinking about all the would of, should of, could of things. Three days ago I started making myself think of only the very best parts of him, like his tan hand tracing my eyebrows and nose, reaching over and rubbing my earlobe when we were in the car, when he would see me and have this huge smile on his face and saying, "me wife", when our heads would lay together on the pillow and I would reach up and twirl our hair together on the top of our heads, grabbing me and dancing in the kitchen, the store, the parking lot or whever he would hear a song to dance to and dancing me around, saying to me "cant you get any closer" when I was already holding me tightly. How is it that I can be this young and be without the person I loved so dearly? Out of the blue I said the other day "I would rather be dead today then without him tomorrow", where did that come from?

I feel so badly for your lose also. It makes me smile to know that you have said "life is good once again". I hope that soon I will be able to say that, or even to make it through the day without the heavy sadness in my heart.

Again I cherish your post and have it with me to read always, your words of kindness have helped me more than you will know. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and share your story with me.

Sincerly,

Soul mate left behind

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  • 4 weeks later...

85 days and the hole in my heart, my soul and my life are still so huge. Sometimes the emptiness is almost more than I can take. My nights are long and my days are sad. Im trying so hard to move forward but it feels as if I am made of stone. I dont get to wander from room to room in the house that we shared........it was but on the market by his kids and sold almost immediately. I dream of him often, he is always in the background somewhere watching me....and then just when I see him he turns and walks away. I almost die when I see a man in the distance that looks like him from afar, I look away and grimace because of the pain it causing in my heart. When I hear our song I close my eyes and dance with him in my head. How do you start to live life again, how do you enjoy anything? Even things that should be good are overcast with sadness. I cant even go to where he is buried, he wanted to be creamated and his children have his ashes. The last place we went together has been closed for the winter... I cant even go there and think about him. He said to me once during a conversation about death that "it doesnt matter when you die". Its only true in the sense that it doesnt matter to the person that past, but it will always matter to the people that are left behind. 85 days and no repreve from the grief I felt on the first day he was gone.

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  • 4 months later...

It has been 229 days since he has been gone. Yesterday felt like the first day. I was doing so good and then I took 30 steps backwards. I dont know what happened or what caused it, but I am paralized in grief today. Darkness has surrounded me again. I miss him very much. I havent taken off my wedding ring even though it has been suggested by close friends to do so. I just want to see where he is and know what he is doing. Sometimes I search desperately to find him, I know I wont but I still feel as though I should look. I feel like I need to get to the place where he is. I want to see his smile one more time, feel his arms around me one more time, kiss his lips one more time, say I love you one more time. I only want a minute more with him. I still have to tell myself every day that I can make it through this day and every night I still tell myself I made it through this day. I had just started sleeping for about 4 hours at a time which I never thought I would do again......now I lay awake......again. This has caught me by suprise....this going backwards thing....I thought I had made it.....not so. In the darkness again and my coat of lead grief even heavier this round. Just one more minute.............

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  • 9 months later...

Almost 17 months, Im still wearing the same coat of led. I still have that hollow feeling and Im still alone. I still hardly ever leave the house. All of the people that I thought were friends have drifted away. I guess I let them drift, I did nothing to encourage them to stay with me. I think I may have gone crazy. I thought by now things would start to be "normal" for me again. I just miss him so much. I just want to move on, I just want this feeling to go away. Every day is still a struggle. Been to groups, taken pills, been on retreats, planted flowers...nothing helps the hurt in my heart. They always say time, it takes time...WELL HOW MUCH DARN TIME CAN IT TAKE???? Most days I just wait for night to come. I want my life back. I want to smile and sing. God what is wrong with me? Get on track....what friggin track? Am I the only one that feels this way after all this time?

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No you are not the only one that feels like this after such a long time - Like you I have done the courses, been to councelling, groups taken the pills, but they are just a bit of plaster over the pain - help to cover it up but its still there deep down ..........

I went crazy to start with but have learnt to live with what is, by burying it in my head, living on the surface as far as the world is concerned and just existing - I don't want friends - like you I've let them drift, and don't want to make the effort of new ones......

I know how you feel ........

try to take good care of yourself - and even that is sooo hard when you don't want to do anything......

Hugs

NickyA

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