Miss My Dad

[cowboy daughter]

My Dad died January 24,2011. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in August 2010 but his heart was too weak for surgery, so he opted for hospice. I'm a nurse and knew what was coming and thought I was prepared. I talked to my Dad every single day and he was 74 years old and my best friend and a rugged old cowboy. He also helped me raise my kids when their father left and never looked back. He died at home, on hospice, with me, my brother, our kids and our mom around him. I wasn't prepared for this pain. I miss him every minute. I keep thinking I need to call and tell Dad.....but he's not there and never will be. It hits at odd times. I was loading the dishwasher this morning one minute and the next sobbing. I just want my Dad

[jodo]

Dear Cowboy daughter,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear Father. You have come to the right place, this site has helped me so much in this horrible journey of grief. I lost my Dad on Dec.30th,2009, and even though it's been 13 months I still have unbearable pain, and still cry a lot. My Dad was my best friend too ! I miss him so much, and I know exactly what you're feeling right now . There's something so special about a father/daughter relationship, I never realized just how great it was until he was gone. It sounds like you were really close to your Dad, and that you lived nearby him too ? You're so lucky that you got to talk to him everyday. I wish I had some words to help you right now Just know that I, and many others are here to listen.

Sending you a Hug, and a wish for comfort and peace,

Jodi

[cowboy daughter]

Thank you Jodi,

Yes, we live in the same small town, watched football together every Sunday and have dinner together at least once a week. I feel so alone in this right now. My kids are grieving too, but they have their own young families. It doesn't help that my mom is not a very emotional, sensitive person. She has already packed his things away and/or given them away and it hasn't even been 2 weeks. 2 days after the funeral she told me I need to pull it together and get over it so I feel like I don't even have anyone to share this grief with.

[nanasbaby]

Feel free to share your grief here. I know a bit how you feel. I cry at the oddest times too. On the way home yesterday I began thinking that my mother will never open the door for me again when I go to their house to visit. Nights are the worst. I cry every night...its the first thing I think of in the morning...no matter how good my mood is when I wake up.

[niamh]

cowboy daughter,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. Please know you have us to share your grief with, it may not be the same as someone in person but you will find so much support here, kindness and no judgement or expectations.

I'm sorry your Mom said that to you, people deal with grief and loss so differently and sometimes the one person you want to be there for you just cannot be, they are dealing with it in their way, so different from you and of course that can hurt, why aren't they reacting the same way as you but it's such an individual thing.

There's a lot of Daddys girls on here, I honestly don't think I've ever met people until how who were as close to their Dads as I was to mine, he was my ENTIRE world, it still feels surreal writing about it.

I just wish there were words of comfort but I don't think the exist, I wish I didnt have to meet all these great people and friends on this site under such horrible circumstances.

I just hope that as alone as you might feel right now that you may find some tiny "comfort" if thats even the right word, just knowing there is someone else in the world who can relate to what you feel at times. Of course it's different for each of us, we all grieve differently, we all had unique relationships but sometimes we can relate to certain feelings.

sending a hug and comfort to you,

Niamh

[2sweetgirls]

Cowboy daughter,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear dad. As has been said many times, there are no words of comfort.

I lost my parents 10 months apart - mom 11-09, dad 10-10. They spoke about the day they were going to die for as long as I can remember - even as a little girl. Thinking back, I think they were trying to be light and airy about it, as well as in their own way, trying to prepare us. Well, I truly believe one can NEVER be prepared for such a life-changing event. I can relate to it hitting you at the oddest moments. I comes on when ever it wants to, with no warning. That loss of control is hard for me because I am naturally a very emotional person. If it touches me heart, I automatically get choked up. I am not a control freak but, don't want to be uncontrolably crying in front of strangers either.

I am so sorry that your mom chooses to handle her grief this way. I'm sure it hurts even more. You have us to turn to and write whatever you are feeling. I can't and won't guarantee anything as far as grief goes but, I will guarantee that, at least, one person will be shaking their head in agreeement and affirmation when they read a post.

Sending hugs and peace to you.

2sweetgirls

[BellaRosa]

Cowboy daughter,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. My mom passed in November from a 5 month battle with lung cancer. It was awful. I can totally relate to what you said about feeling ok one minute and then falling apart the next -- just happened to me an hour ago at work actually.

Please continue to come here and share your grief if you have no one else to discuss it with. Coming to this website was one of the best things I've done to get through this loss. Everyone is so understanding and no matter what you're feeling, there is always at least one other person who will say, "me too!" It's nice to know we're not alone.

BellaRosa

[cowboy daughter]

God, I want my Dad! I always talked to him while driving home from work. I just got home without talking to him and it feels wrong. If I was late leaving work he would call to check on me. Who's going to check on me now? I'm a nurse and use to counseling families on grief but now I think I had no idea what I was talking about. I would give anything for just one more day, one more hour with him.

[emptyinside]

I understand that. I often get the urge to tell my dad news or hear something from him when I'd usually hear from him. I haven't found a way to stop feeling this way, though.

[cowboy daughter]

I decided to go buy groceries last night thinking no one would be in the store on saturday night. Boy, was I wrong. Everyone was buying tings for superbowl parties. I started to cry right in the middle of the store because we've always had a family superbowl party,but no one wants to this year. I thought I was doing a little better yesterday. Even went and had my hair cut though that caused a twinge of guilt. Why should I be able to do something nice for myself when my dad never will? This morning there's a beautiful slow snow falling that my dad would have loved. Several friends have invited me to superbowl parties and now I can use the snow as an excuse. Just want to isolate again today. My mom gave me a stack of birthday and fathers day cards I had given my dad over the years. I didn't know he had saved every one of them. Once again, I just want my Dad!

[BellaRosa]

I also feel guilty doing certain things -- things that aren't necessary, mostly. I have to get up and go to work, but I don't "have" to go out to lunch. Why should I enjoy a meal? My mom is gone and she can't do that. I'll never be able to go out to eat with ever again. It's weird how our minds work when we're grieving. Just like how you felt a twinge of guilt getting a haircut -- it has no relationship to your dad, but the feeling still comes. I try to just experience all of the feelings and not be too hard on myself.

I also have broken down crying in the middle of stores. Three weeks after my mom passed, I had to travel for work. I was in the middle of a mall in Dublin with my coworker and lost it! I was embarrassed, but crying also makes me feel a teensy bit better.

[BonnieJeanne]

Dear Cowboy Daughter,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious father. My dad died October 11th, 2010 and he was my best friend my whole life also. He had Alzheimer's and was losing some of himself, but he always knew me and was so happy to be with me. We went walking every Monday and then had lunch for the past 7 years. He called me every year on my birthday and sang Happy Birthday to me. It broke my heart when he could not do it last year cause he was in the hospital. People say "well you had your father for a long time and this is to be expected" I don't know if they say that to you but it makes me so upset. Yes, we all have to lose our parents but it is such a huge loss, and saying that feels like minimizing it to me. I would give anything just to be able to call my father up and hear his sweet voice once more.

I go to this site and read other daughter's posts about their fathers and cry periodically and it does help. i don't know why Hospice does not have a Daughters who have lost their Fathers group, they have one for daughters who have lost mothers. I read so many posts from daughters who like you and I are grieving for a dad who was so very important to them their whole lives.

Don't feel bad about crying, I do all the time at random moments. He will always be with you in your heart and soul. I try to remember that I carry my dad with me that way and his impact will never be forgotten by my children either. Take care.