Missing Dad's Encouragement So Much

[niamh]

I really miss my Dad's encouragement and belief in me, there is nobody else in this world who could even begin to replace it. Certain things that were and continue to be a big deal to me are not a big deal to anybody else, but they were to my Dad.....because they were to me.

I had to do something in work recently that I was very nervous about, all aspects of it were new to me, it went fine, good even by the sounds of the customer. It wasn't until after that it actually hit me how big a deal it was to me. I was so upset going home knowing Dad wasn't there waiting to hear all about it, joking but at the same time being serious about how great his daughter is and why wouldn't it all have gone well. I miss seeing the pride in his face listening to me.

He would have emailed me before it to wish me luck, emailed after to check and then got the details at home. While I know I have friends and my Mom to tell these things to, the reaction is not the same, it's only my Dad I'm interested in telling. So many "little" things like this and most of the time I just don't bother telling anyone anymore. I told my Mom about this but she just didn't get it as much as my Dad so I prefer to just not say anything most of the time.

It's like there is so much piled up inside that I want to talk to him about.........and I mean a 2 way normal chat, getting real sick of these one way talks feeling like I'm talking to thin air. And it's just going to keep piling up, now I have over 1 year of things to discuss, with who knows how many more years of things to come. I will still write to him and all that but it wears me down knowing NOBODY WILL RESPOND.

ugh just so frustrating :-(

Niamh

[sunstreet]

Dear Niamh,

I am sorry for the pain of missing your Dad. I understand and validate that it is just so excruiating to not have him be able to encourage and believe in you in person any longer....it hurts so bad, I know.

It is hard to face new things, new challlenges when you were so close to your Dad and he would be there with you before and after and then later at home. It is so hard to not have that I understand.

I don't know if it will help you Niamh but I want to share anyhow. One thing I started quite some time ago now is a letter "to me" from my "Dad'. It was suggested by my therapist and at first I thought it's not ging to change the fact he is dead and never coming back. I wasn't able to see how it would help me. I decided though to try and what I have found is that it has helped me so very much. To think on what my Dad would be saying to me and actually writing it out. It did help me feel like he was with me somehow.

Hugs to you Niamh.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[hello123]

Hi Niamh, I totally get what you mean my brother told me a few weeks before him and my dad went to tesco and he was telling the cashier "my daughter goes to university" the joking but serious pride. I had exams recently and it was so hard not being able to ring him, I always did after an exam and complain and so he started saying "how did it go, actually let me guess AWFUL" because I always said it did. I didnt want to ring my mum or anyone else, and yeah people say oh you can still talk to him but no because you want a reply!!!!!!!!

[niamh]

thank you Carol Ann ,it's funny you should mention about the letter. I did want to write a poem some time back one that would be from Dad to me but I couldn't do it. I do think of the things he would say and can picture times him giving me those words of encouragement but for now I still have a real hard time thinking about it properly and I try to just "block" it out.......it just feels like life is being squeezed out of me when I think "back". I guess it's still a bit too raw and when I do think of things from the good old days it still makes it too real so in a way I don't want to think back, if that makes sense. I will definitely keep the letter idea in mind and maybe someday I can do it. I haven't even been able to write to him lately (got a really nice journal specifically for this), sometimes I just find myself thinking he's just not here at the moment, nothing more, can't focus or process on the words "dead" etc.

aw that's so sweet hello123 about your Dad telling cashier about you going to Uni. oh hun, I'm sorry you had to go through exams without him, there's just such an extra sting when there is something specific that you always did with him and now you have to do it without him.

I never actually realised how much my Dad did talk about me to others until after the fact. The guys he worked with would be telling me things about my job because my Dad had told them.......some of them were just the smallest little things and I was almost embarrassed when they were telling me but at the same time it was so nice to know.

((HUGS)) and thanks to you both

Niamh

[grace10]

Niamh,

I think I really understand how you feel about missing your dad's encouragement. Mother was always the one who encouraged me. Fortunately, I think all her positive words of encouragement have become part of me and live inside of me. Mother = you can do it! but I sure would like to hear those words spoken again in her beautiful voice.

But, for now, I am just trying to be my own best encouragement.

[sunstreet]

Dear Niamh,

You make perfect sense Niamh. It is OK to be in that place of not wanting to look back and it causes you to feel the life is being squeezed out of you. Have you ever seen the movie "The Truman Show"? There is a scene in the movie when Jim Carey has climbed a set of stairs and is standing at the top of them. It is like he is standing on a fence, one side all that he knew, and the other the unknown. The unknown is terrifying. Niamh, it is OK to stand on the fence for as long as you need.

I see the special bond that you and your Father had and have. I see the seeds your Father planted in you through your posts. The seed of compassion, the seed of intelliegence, the seed of caring, the seed of knowing how special you, the seed of knowing your place in the world. All these seeds and more your Father has given you while he was still alive. One way that helped me was to think on I need to nourish those seeds that my Father planted in me, so they can continue to grow and develop and become all that they are entitled to be. I just knew that if my Father were still here that is what he would be doing for me and so I learned how to do it for myself and I feel such comfort knowing that my Father is witnessing my growth and I know he witnesses it because of the first seed he planted in me and that was the one he planted in my heart.

I send HUGS Niamh. Just know that I understand and care.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Niamh,

Thinking of you tonight and wanted to send you a ((((HUG))))

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[niamh]

Grace, I'm sorry you understand it too, I do agree that my Dad's words, his encouragement are part of me, to be honest that's probably all that has kept me still here trying to survive this.

I have seen the Truman Show Carol Ann, can vaguely picture that scene actually. thank so much for such beautiful words, I know both my parents have given me so much, taught me so much and I am who I am because of them.

I guess we have to dig deep for ourselves now for the encouragement etc but it's just too much somedays, like you just can't reach in there, it's too far so you just need Mom or Dad to give that little extra push and as you say Grace, just to hear his voice speak those words (or any actually !)

thanks for the hug Carol Ann, special (((Valentines hug)) to you and to everyone, today is a tough day, my heart aches for my Mom so much today and thinking of everyone here who is missing their partners on this day.

((((((((())))))))))))))))

Niamh

xxoo

[emptyinside]

You're not alone there. I miss my my dad's responses so much. I can write down what my day is like, telling my dad something that happened, but the point is that HE'S NOT RESPONDING. Would he laugh at this part or the next sentence? What would he advise about this situation? If I recounted a joke, would he think it was hilarious or just chuckle? I'm so frustrated at having to imagine what he'd say or do. ((HUGS))

[Chai]

Dear niamh,

All I can say is: I feel exactly like your post says, sometimes. It hits me, and I get so frustrated...and I don't know what to do. I have a couple friends who are also interested in the same topics, and some of them are good with listening to me in grief, too, but...there is no one like my dad to encourage me, and to do enjoy certain little things that only the two of us liked.

I know how you feel!

It makes us miss them even more, when things like that come up...

Sorry my post offers no help. I still get moments like this.

Talking to people who have a lot of enthusiasm on the same thing *does* help though. Today I talked with a good old friend of my dad's about iridology, a type of study of the health through a person's eyes. My dad practiced this, and so does this friend of his. The friend emailed me this long email about iridology, how he felt so discouraged after my dad passed away, how he's felt more encouraged lately, and all these things about missing my dad...hearing that, from someone who loves my dad so much, and about something my dad was fond of, it made me feel like somehow I was connecting to my father.

I hope you can get some experience like that from someone who really loves your father...and that it will bring some small bit of comfort.

(((((Hugs))))),

Chai

[niamh]

hi Chai,

it's good to hear from you. thanks for sharing, as with everything just knowing someone understands this feeling "helps" in the littlest of ways.

I'm glad you got to talk with a friend of your Dads and felt like you were in a way connecting with your Dad. I'm glad he told you too about what he missed about your Dad. I'd like to hear that from others ........I guess at times it feels like it's just Mom & me still missing him.

I do have friends who listen and they too are encouraging but I guess it's the level of importance to them is not the same. I'm sorry you still get moments like it too, I guess we always will and just have to live with it

(((big hugs))) Chai, it's great to hear from you

Niamh