Anger Toward Siblings

[sunshine]

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My sisters were of great help during the time Mom was sick. But my brothers were another story. My older brother said when Mom got sick if I need anything call. So of course when I was getting care giver burnout I called and asked for help. He had a very lame excuse for not coming. He started not answering the phone I always got answering machine. My brother was an alcholic when my Dad was sick. He made excuses and promised my Dad so many times and diappointed my Dad. He would call me from bar and give excuses. He doesn't drink anymore but I guess he still have those behaviors. He promised me and I take promises very seriously!! Especially under the circumstances. My younger brother Helped when he could . His life is so messed up. He too is a drinker. The last month he went out of his way to help when he could. I just have this anger towards my older brother. I have not talked to him since the funeral and even then it was very limited. He lives 5 minutes from my home and he never contacts me. I don't know what i expected after what we went through with Dad. My aunt made cookies for us at christmas and I didn't give them to him. I ate them!!! I guess that was probably immature on my part, but I just can't get past this anger! Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

[keyboardplayer]

Hello. I can't actually relate to what you are feeling because I have never been in your situation, but I know that sometimes, when people are dealing with the terminal illness of a loved one, it freaks them out, and they can't deal with it, so they don't go around that person. That could be what's going on with your brother. It still doesn't make it right, but if that is the case, he probably beats himself up for bailing on you and your mom.

[Princesspeanut]

I feel your anger. I thought when my father passed that we would all come together, be there for each other and heal. One of my sisters has been my biggest supporter, listening to me and being there for me. The other, not once has asked me How I feel. My assumption is because I don't post my innermost feelings on Facebook, she just assumes Im okay. I have E-mailed her and texed several times asking her how she is and she responds with all her problems and thats it. Never asks if I am ok. Truth of the matter is that I live 3000 miles away from my family and I dont believe they know that I have been struggling with substances, that I went through a bout with cutting myself or how lonely i am. When my father passed my sister made awful comments about her having a better relationship with him, because she knew him longer. It was hard for me to forgive at first but I did and then I get a one-sided relationship in return. Im not much for giving up on people, especially when I think our family should be together...but Im so mad that my feelings are disregarded. I feel like I don't have the right to have any. Or if I dont shout from the rooftops that Im dying inside that Im okay and can continue to be ignored.

[Princesspeanut]

I just have to VENT!!!! I don't understand WHY my sister is being so mean and heartless to me. What have I done to deserve behavior like this? We are all going home to spread my fathers ashes and I thought a nice idea to commemorate the date would be a photo collage. Instead of saying "Well thats A nice Idea, Id be more comfortable with something else" she tells me that it's morbid. She doesn't even give me the dates that she is coming home to spread the ashes (we have picked a specific day, but we all live out of state so I wanted to see what dates she was coming in) So basically, she wants to see me just the day she spreads the ashes and thats it. Even more importantly my boyfriend whom im marrying is coming up at the same time, to meet the family. She could care less about that too. I feel like ever since my father passed away my family has turned there backs on me. Im all alone and she doesn't even care how I am? I could be dying and she wouldn't know and she wouldn't care. I have so much anger and hurt that it is leading to destructive behaviors all caused by these few people. Am I too sensitive? I just can't believe she can be so heartless. Im her SISTER!! Im so hurt and it makes my emotions go wild. Is it that hard to be cordial to someone?

[hello123]

Sorry she's being like that, only thing I can think of is thats how she's dealing with it? Have you tried talking to her about it? It's different for me my brothers much younger but he's really nasty to me and when I'm home he always says nasty things to me to upset me which triggers all my other emotions because I know my dad would've told him off but now there's nobody to stick up for me. But I mean when I complain to people they say "its just him dealing with it" which is probably the same with your sister, maybe she doesnt want to be around you because it reminds her? My advice would be to talk to her and tell her its upsetting you! It didnt work with me because hes a 16 year old but hopefully because she's older and more mature she will be able to see that she can stop causing you extra grief!

[Rhonda123456]

Don't feel bad. When someone gets sick and dies, the family doesn't necessarily behave the way people do in Hallmark movies. My family fell apart during the last 1-1/2 years of my mom's life. One sister became so distressed by mom's illness and the resulting family turmoil, she had a massive heart attack and died. The other sister cracked up, had to be hospitalized a couple of times and ended up not being able to help at all. My brother--who was a total stranger to me and only visited a couple of times each year before mom got sick---suddenly became very aggressive and angry and started visiting every day and arguing about mom's care. I felt like I was under constant siege with no support from anyone except the hospice people who came to the house. They were the only ones who actually helped and supported me over the last six months of mom's life. So hospice was invaluable.

The best thing to do is focus on your own grief work and let the others take care of themselves. There are plenty of people who want to listen and help you, so go ahead and accept their support and if you have to, just cut the others out of your life until you have time to heal--or forever, if that seems better.