The Worst Decision So Far That I Have Had To Make

[rebbyreb99]

First of all the fact that people who love their animals like me have a site to interact with others going thru the saame thing is a godsend. I had to make the decision last Thursday nite to put my 8 year old Jack Russell, Katie down. After 2 months of ups and downs to thinking we had licked this has completely wiped us out. We have another Jack Russell Jake who is 4. My husband and I laughed that Jake is our moneypit where Katie after 8 years the only thing that she needed was her vaccinations. Well in the first week of January she started acting funny. She is a very small Jack and from the beginning when she drank fast or ate fast she would throw up. We got used to that. Well this time it was different. After finding my vet was out of town I took her to an emergency vet clinic. He suggested that I have blood drawn either there or when my vet got back. Since my vet would be back in town in 2 days I waited. Well after 1 week of waiting for blood results, my vet told me that Katie had elevated liver enzymes. He suggested having an ultrasound. The ultrasound became a biopsy, the biopsy became a diagnois of a genetic liver disease. After a month of back and forth that little girl was on 6 types of drugs all thruout the day. She started acting like her self. She was back to walks with us, she was her happy little self again. Within 3 weeks of the diagnose we were back at the vet clinic who told us even though her liver enzymes were slightly better now she had a red blood cell count and after xrays were done she now had an enlarged heart. Within 4 days of her acting sick, the vet wanted to watch her overnight to see if the new medicine would help her red blood cell count go back up. We live 25 minutes from the vet clinic. We went home and within 1 hour the vet called and told us to hurry back because they were losing her. From that moment on our lives have been shaken to the core. By the time we got there the vet didn't think she heard us. I am still feeling the pain of us not being there with her as her little body is hooked up to a machine, the pain in thinking we made the right decision in putting her thru all of those tests to end up was her quality of life at the end any better then if we would have just let it happen. There is absolutely no place I can go where I don't see her little face. That night Katie died I had my Jack in his kennel which is in our room. I heard him cry so I let him out of his kennel and thought he would jump on our bed. He went out which I thought he needed to go to the bathroom. After 20 minutes I became concerned so I went outside. I could not find him. I looked all over our house and then took a flashlight outside to see where he was. He was under a bush shaking. I was so sick to my stomach that I almost threw up. I have to tell you. If I hear one more person tell me that it is a dog and this will pass I will scream. I have a sign on my bed that says, "Dear Lord....let me become the person my dog thinks I am." They ask for nothing but love from you. They give me more peace then most of the people in my life. I am a Christian who is torn by hearing two different things. One side says that your pets will be in heaven and then I have heard another side say that pets do not have souls so they will not go to heaven. I am clinging to the side that says Katie will be there in heaven to greet me.

[MartyT]

Rebby, dear, I think most animal lovers would cling to that very same side ~ I certainly know that I do. I'm in the camp that says, "If my beloved animals aren't there to greet me when I die, then it won't be Heaven for me. Instead, please let me go where they are."

Here is another article that I hope will ring true to you: Do Pets Go to Heaven? You'll find links to this and many other very helpful articles on this page of my Grief Healing Web site: Articles about Pet Loss

I truly do believe that reading about pet loss and what is normal in grief can help you to feel less "crazy" and alone in what you are experiencing right now. You've already discovered the value of reading some of the other posts in this forum, and the more you learn, the better you will manage all the thoughts, feelings and reactions you will encounter in the days and weeks ahead.

At the very least, please rest assured that you are among others who share in your grief and will not let you travel this sad journey all alone.

[kayc]

I have read the Bible through and through many times and do not find support for those who claim pets don't go to heaven. Some things are not depicted clearly, but when you are unsure, there are some guidelines to help you decipher it.

1) We know there will be animals in heaven (the lion shall lay down with the lamb)

2) God is a God of order. Pure logic tells me it doesn't make sense that He would create the most wonderful animal in the world, just to destroy them and put new ones in heaven. ??? Doesn't that sound absurd? Why would He waste perfectly good animals?!

3) How could it be heaven or anything good without our wonderful companions! My Arlie is more dear to me (and more deserving of it) than anyone around!

I'm so sorry you lost your beloved Katie. Please rest assured you'll be with her again, as will your little Jake.

[rebbyreb99]

Thank you Kayc for your input. I too have a hard time believing that God would give us these wonderful creatures only for this time on earth. As I said, Katie gave me more peace than most of the people in my life have.

[rebbyreb99]

MartyT,

Thank you so much for the information on the book, "Do Pets Go to Heaven?" I picked up Katie's ashes today and the pain was so intense. I appreciate all.

[NanR]

I am so sorry for all your pain and loss. I've been through a similar thing with one of my cats. I, too, have heard the "It's only a cat", as well as the "Well, how long did you want him to live?" That one made me want to scream and hit. I'm a Christian. I've heard both they do and don't go to Heaven. I think they do. CS Lewis thought they do. My hardest part isn't that, but the decisions I made to treat my cat. He suffered, and I think I made it worse. The vet and I were doing the best we could, tho. All I can do is crawl into Jesus's lap,and sit there. Or, yell at him. I do both, but mostly lap sitting. and crying for my poor little boy. Thank you for sharing your story.

[rebbyreb99]

Thank you for telling me what your belief is in animals in heaven. I never knew that CS Lewis believed in that. I am now reading a book, "Will I see My Dog In Heaven" by Jack Wintz. He lists several scriptures that make me feel awhole lot better. I am very sorry that you are having a hard time about the decisions you made. I know that I made the best decisions I could possibly make given the information that was given to me. I finally had to tell the vet no more. I knew that Katie had the greatest 8 years of her life because there is no way she could possibly be loved more than her family loved her. My son and my sister would tell me all the time that if they died they wanted to come back as Katie. I love what you said about crawling into Jesus's lap. I can not tell who how many times a day I kept hearing in my head, "I can do all things through Christ who stengthens me." I knew that wasn't a coincidence. It has been 2 weeks today and I have to tell you, it isn't any easier than it was the night she died. Finding this forum was the best therapy. You and I need to quit being so tough on ourselves right? You made the decisions you did with love as I did.

[NanR]

Yeah, you're right about not being so tough on ourselves. My counselor yesterday told me to stop beating myself up and do things that make me happy. (This was things in general.)

So I am doing that. I know that I did the best I could with both my suffering cats, and so did the vet. I got mad at God because I kept asking for wisdom and it seemed like I kept making bad decisions. But I still did the best i could do.

I'm sorry it is still hard. It does get less hard. It isn't that "time heals" because it doesn't. But God does heal and comfort us. I think I didn't tell you I was so mad at God about Boots (my cat who died last April) that at one point I was yelling and kicking him in the shins. He was patient, and I cried and he comforted me. He still comforts me. Oh, and I told him he could just forget about me ever having another pet, or, for that matter, loving anybody new, ever, it hurt too much and just forget it. Hummph. When I would listen, he told me that I was too going to have more pets, because it's part of my job to take care of animals here, and furthermore, that I was too going to love new animals and people. He just said it. I hummphed some more, but he's right. It's too late for me to stop loving. He's got me already. Now it makes me laugh to have gone through all that with him. He's so kind. (But he keeps on saying that the only pets I can have are domesticated animals. I pointed out that elephants are domesticated, but he says they'd be miserable here, it's too cold, and just forget it.)

I'm sort of babbling. sorry.

[rebbyreb99]

I am truly amazed with myself that I did not get angry with God. I am not sure why I didn't do what you did because before she got sick I kept telling God that I just don't know what I would do without Katie. I have done the "I am not going to get anymore animals!" talk with myself. My husband says absolutely no more animals but I have already decided that I have too much love to give to animals especially who have no one to love them. There are way too many dogs unwanted for me to keep thinking I am not going to get myself another dog. I have had 4 cats. I love cats but my Jack Russell who is only 4 would hurt/kill them so it is best that I get another dog. I put my name on a collie rescue list. I had a collie for 12 years and she too was the best dog and when I lost her 9 years ago I believed that some day I wanted another one. Ok so I have raised jack russells now and I have decided I am way too old for them so now when I am done crying over Katie all the time I know God will provide me with a dog. By the way you are not babbling. It is so good to really write this stuff down to let others like us help us through the pain.

[NanR]

THanks. It is good to be able to talk about these things. I do hope it helps others as well. Blessings.

[nancyinaz]

i read a book cold noses at the pearly gates by gary kurtz it helps

Edited March 24, 2011 by MartyT
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