Getting Through All The Firsts And Other Stuff

[melina]

Again I have to say I thought I had this grief thing licked at about five months. Now at seven + months, I realize it continues to be an uphill climb. They say the first year is tough because of all the things we're doing alone for the first time. I'm wondering what sort of "firsts" other people have felt were difficult.

Believe it or not, going to the dentist today sent me into a crying fit on the way home. My husband has never accompanied me to the dentist, so why this should be so tough was a mystery to me. Since I go once a year, I suppose it reminded me that this time last year I still had a husband. And my dentist offered her condolences which had me weeping on and off throughout my check-up. It didn't even cheer me up to hear that all my teeth were fine - no work to be done.

Today at work people were chattering away about Easter vacation. Easter is a holiday here in Norway, which is an extra long weekend. Most people take the entire week off, and a lot of them head for the mountains to their cabins to ski. We don't have a cabin, but sometimes we'd borrow or rent one. Or we would spend the holiday at home, working together to get the yard fixed up. Now I don't feel like doing anything at all.

My youngest son who turns 20 in May also seems down and apathetic about things. It's just him and me here at home, and the house is so quiet and strange. I just wish I could see some light at the end of the tunnel and feel hopeful and happy.

Right now - I'm sort of scared I'm not strong enough to make it through this. It's just too much.

Melina

[BellaRosa]

Melina,

I am grieving a different kind of loss, the loss of my mom, but I am also finding getting through all the "firsts" very difficult. Last week was my dad's first birthday since my mom passed, and as an only child, it was very hard. Tomorrow will be my first St. Patrick's Day without her, which may not sound like a big deal to most people, but it was probably her second favorite holiday after Christmas. It's mind-boggling to me that she won't be here tomorrow. We won't have the traditional dinner and listen to Irish music. I haven't received a card in the mail covered in shamrock stickers.

It's not just the big things either. It's the everyday kinds of things that are just extraordinarily difficult -- like you said, going to the dentist. Sometimes just going to the supermarket will set me off. Why? It's not like my mother and I went grocery shopping together! It's almost as if some of the really mundane stuff affects me because it's a reminder that my life has to continue on without her here. I have to continue going to work, buying food, running errands, etc. It's all just so frustrating.

Erin

[HAP]

Melina,

My wife and I would go grocery shopping every Saturday morning, The first time I went to the store after she died to do my regular shopping I had to retreat to my car in the parking lot to get my head back together. It is still very hard to walk into the market.

HAP

[Lainey]

Melina,

Every first that I went through was a very hard experience and I'm not too sure that the seconds are going to be any easier. Lars' birthday was April 25th and I'm already worried about how the day is going to affect me. Maybe we have to quit anticipating the worst and just let it happen.

Our Easter is on April 24th this year, Lars was born on Easter Day, so there's something else to think about.We also have a long weekends at Easter, my kids will be here on Good Friday and again for Easter. We are a family that spends at least one part of a weekend together over a meal, so it makes it much easier for me.

Is it posible for you and your son to do something different this year? Are your other sons and family able to come home?

Melina, you are strong enough to do this. You've come this far and you will continue on this journey until you feel joy and happiness again. To me, it's a battle of ups and downs that will go on for a long time if not forever. But I know there is good times, I'm experiencing them now. Some days, with spring coming, I love to see the sun, I'm excited to get work done in the yard, I can't wait for my perennials to pop out.These are things I really couldn't care less about last year.

Lainey

[Deb625]

Hi Melina, there are the firsts such as holidays, anniversaries etc. that kind of slap us with the reality our life has changed, but there are so many triggers... Today I read a facebook post I made on my 43rd birthday (5 months before Michael died) - I said to a mate that the Pension Plans CPP/OAP don't seem so far away... I read that post and bawled. I now get a "survivor's" pension through CPP - widowed at 43 - it is just so wrong. I cried at my dentist office recently - in the office. I had a dental check-up and went home to find Michael's body - I should probably change dentists,as going there will always be associated with "that day". The waves will come through sights, sounds, feelings. As we come through each one, they will get a little easier and as time passes I hope I'll be able to smile instead of cry. You've come through so much and will continue as you keep placing one foot in front of the other, just keep faith that tomorrow will be a better day. Take care, Deb

[Deb625]

Hi Hap, thought I'd share. I had my first ever "panic/anxiety" attack going to the supermarket after Michael died. I had never felt like that before (and thankfully only had that feeling a few times since) - I too went home - I just couldn't go in... Take care, Deb

[Dimcl]

Hap and Deb: There must be something about grocery shopping. I'm 4 1/2 months into this and I still dread grocery shopping. Part of it is that I always hated doing it, and Glenn enjoyed it (I always told him he was weird!), so he did most of it and now that I'm doing it for myself, I hate it even more. And I think that's part of it - I still see things that Glenn liked but that I could take or leave, and it breaks my heart not to buy them for him anymore. Plus, cooking and eating alone seems so pointless that actually buying groceries is painful. Then, there's taking it home, splitting it into small portions, bagging it for freezing, etc. The whole process is gruelling, from start to finish.

Melina and Deb625, I also had a meltdown at the dentist's office about a month after Glenn's death. It was just a teeth cleaning, but I loathe it and Glenn would always reassure me before I went, and when I got home, he'd always be sure to ask how it went and if I was okay. To top it off, my hygienist had seen me in the hospital at Glenn's bedside (she was visiting another patient in the room) and asked me about it. Who needs coincidences like that? But the gist of it was that it was my first experience with realizing that there's now nobody who knows or cares about my life's unpleasant tasks.

Thinking of you all. Hugs.

Di

[melina]

I've had trouble with grocery shopping too. The first few weeks after my husband died I walked through the grocery store in a daze, but with a huge knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I kept seeing all the things I used to buy because he liked them. I still have trouble shopping - but now partly because I have to learn how much to shop for. Bread - which he loved - gets moldy before I've used up half of it. I still have a teenage boy in the house, so food gets eaten, but the shopping list is different.

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

The first and foremost thing that was hard for me to do without George, was get groceries. He came from a family of 11 kids, and they were extremely poor...he used to leave home at dinner time so there'd be more food for the younger ones (he was second eldest). As a result, he loved and appreciated food and always wanted to get groceries with me. He got so excited about it! My daughter had to go buy my groceries at first. I remember the first time I had to bag my own food...it was a horrible feeling.

Getting through the weekends was tough, I needn't tell you. Sleeping alone...I still don't sleep in our bed. He worked nights and used to call me on his breaks...when that time rolled around during the week, it was tough to survive...no call was forthcoming. The first year I couldn't watch tv, I still can't read a book.

Holidays were the worst...my birthday went by unnoticed...George had always made a big deal of my birthday...I cried myself to sleep that first one without him. He died on Father's Day and somehow I ignored 4th of July, Labor Day, my birthday, and then Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day came and went...by the time Easter rolled around, I major rebelled. I couldn't handle one more holiday without him! So I ignored Easter. I had the kids up for dinner a week later and we didn't mention Easter.

We have to do whatever we need to in order to survive this.

[melina]

Kay,

I also have trouble reading - can't concentrate on a story. And I've always loved to read. Every evening in bed we'd both read - unless we had other plans....

But tv seems to be what I fall back on now before I drag myself off to bed. I either watch sci-fi or comedies. Some of them aren't even that funny. I got hooked on Star Trek Next Generation for a while after his death but decided it was time to stop watching reruns after I started dreaming about Captain Jean Luc Picard. Just too weird.

I sleep in our bed because there's nowhere else to sleep, but I sleep on his side. Can't stand to see that empty spot where he should have been.

I'm glad to hear that you abandoned all those holidays the first year. I celebrated Christmas for the kids' sake, but I just can't be bothered to celebrate anything else - apart from my sons' birthdays. On my own birthday in June I hope to just sleep most of the day and then try to forget I'm a year older and husband-less.

Melina