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[Anne E]

I lost my beloved husband of almost 40 years three years ago, February 27th. When does the emotional roller coaster stop? I understand from the grief counselor, reading and talking to other people who have lost spouses that each persons grief process is different, but I kinda feel like I'm not "moving on". Any thoughts? I'd appreciate any input.

Anne

[mfh]

Hi Anne,

I lost my husband of 36 years a year ago this coming Sunday. I expect that when it is three years I will feel as sad as I do this week. Our husbands were essential parts of our lives, our selves, our every single day....to be grieving and up and down 3 years later does not feel unrealistic. I just can't imagine that in two more years I will have moved on. I will miss and grieve this loss the rest of my life. I consider myself a pretty healthy person. I am a therapist seeing a grief counselor. I am choosing to walk through my grief in a country that does not allow for that. All we ever hear is "move on" but it takes as much time as it takes to feel more level. I have made up my mind and heart that I will grieve as long as it takes and if someone has a problem with that....it is not my problem. If I am on an emotional roller coaster in two more years...I will not be surprised. Others may be but I will not. I see grief as a sacred sign of our love and I embrace it when the waves comes in. It is life. Bill's death changed me forever. A part of me died with him and though I am involved in life, publishing a magazine, going out with friends...I cry a lot. Be gentle and accepting of your grief...mfh

[Chrissie]

MFH,

So beautifully put, I couldn't agree more.

Chris

[Country Sunshine]

Amen... that pretty much says it all..

[kayc]

Welcome to this site. I'm sorry for your loss, and I guess the thing that I've noticed is that loss is loss, it doesn't go away or diminish with time. It is more about our ability to cope with the loss than the fact that it goes away...it doesn't. So many things affect our own unique grief journey...the length and quality of the relationship, how intertwined we were, how resilient are we, what our own personality is like, how affected are we financially, chore-wise, how good of a support system do we have, etc. In other words, everyone's loss is different, everyone's support system is different, everyone is impacted differently, we don't all have the same lot in life. I had someone tell me to "take a cruise or trip" after George died...they didn't realize I hadn't gotten a huge life insurance policy like they had, half my income was gone and I had to remortgage my house to take care of the hospital and doctor bills...and more importantly, I didn't FEEL like taking a cruise or trip, it wouldn't have made up for my husband being gone! This same person didn't seem impacted by her husband's death, not that much, she DID "move on" and seems quite happy today. I have struggled. Struggled with everything. I tried to rebuild my life with someone else, that was a huge disaster! Not that some people don't do that successfully...some do...I just didn't. I look back and see it was avoidance, trying to sidestep the grief...it didn't work, of course. I wish I could go back to day one and redo things, I wish I knew then what I know now, but the thing is, they don't hand you a death certificate AND a "how to" book on how to do this grief journey. It is something we must discover for ourselves...and no two of us will do it the same, it's up to us to discover how to do it. We will do some things right, and we will make some mistakes. And that's okay too. The neat thing about this group here is that we do it together and we learn from each other and we have each other's support along the way.

[Anne E]

Yesterday I got an email from a person I know only via email. Her husband and mine have/had lung disease and both received lung transplants. Arlene and I were/are the primary careprovider/support person for our husbands. Arlene's husband is in chronic acute rejection and the prospect of him getting another transplant is not good. This is a very hard, scary time for her and reminds me so much of the time prior to Dick's death. Arlene was sharing with me that she feels she is grieving the loss of her husband while he is still alive. It reminded me of when Dick was so ill and was not making much progress,we feared he would not ever regain enough strength to be even close to what was normal for him prior to the decline of his health. We decided that we were grieving the men they used to be.

I think hearing from her and her fear and pain has made me feel all that again. Sorta three steps forward and one step back. Arlene wrote about her fear of her husband dying and for her future "after her husband dies". She has no idea what she will do and is terrified. Our careprovider duties filled our time, our fear and anxiety over what is going to happen next crowded out everything else, we were totally immersed and consumed with saving the love of our lives.

I had a job and carried our health insurance. While Dick was in the hospital and we were away from home, the new president of the company I worked for restructured and eliminated my job of 14 years. I graphically remember returning home after Dick's death, waking up in the morning, walking into our living room and looking around like a lost child. I had nothing, no one to care for and fuss over, no meals to make, no medication to supervise, no appointments to make, no job, nothing. It was the most terrifying moment of my life.

Dick and I have one child, Richard. about 18 months ago, I moved to Colorado to be closer to him. I think the move in some ways has been good for me. I have the opportunity to "start over" in a place that isn't full of memories of our life together. It is just so darn hard for me to get out do things by myself. I am taking small steps, have joined a church and am slowly getting involved.

I appreciate hearing your thoughts on the process. My grief counselor tells me slow and steady wins the race and that the key is to stay in the race. So, that's my plan.