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After Leaving The Country

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I last posted in November last year. Hope u all remember me....but just to refresh all my wonderful friends memories, not so long ago (july 25th 2010) I lost my fiance and bro in law and two friends in a car accident... I went through hell and back after losing the love of my life who i wouldve now been married to. Im 29 years old. We were together for almost 4 years and since the accident, my whole world fell apart.

I left South Africa in November, to start afresh and get away from the memories... In South Africa, I was the head of my department at work, a 28 year old who spent lots of time in meetings, board meetings etc...

I moved to the United States, on a H2B visa with a bunch of other people/south africans, all contracted for one year... This life has SAVED me!! Ive met so many new friends, south african, american, south american...all on the same visa, who applied for the same jobs at the same hotel. We're 150 south africans, working at Marriot Group hotels doing beach serving jobs, bartending etc. I am a hostess at one of the restaurants in the hotel and i love it. I see new people everyday. go back to my apartmnt that I share with other south africans and my sister....and all 150 of us live with americans and south americans in this huge apartment park. When we get off work, we all relax with each other and when we get days off, we go out exploring america. We cook together, look after each other etc... This place is a dream and my version of the simple life.

BUT. Even though since i have been here i have only cried on an average of once a week, i keep really busy, and i push aside alllll the memories. But then, i have time alone...and those times killl me! I cant handle being alone. The depression kicks in....And when reality kicks in, theres that sharp pain in my heart. I sometimes drink alot just to be ok....and when i break down at work, i go to the bathroom, deal with it and go back to being a smiling hostess again...

Im so alone sometimes...coz im alone without my love:( how could life have changed so dramatically????

I even met someone...a fellow south african...who has made me see hope but at the same time made me miss my zubeir when he does things that arent zubeir. Zubeir treated me like a queen and i cant CANNOT, believe that he is not with me anymore:(

And here i am ....trying to move on...now 8 months later....

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Yes, I remember you and your situation, it's good to hear from you again. It seems in your move you tried to circumvent grief...which never works...it's a diversion at best, but the grief is right there waiting for you. Still, it served a purpose in that it delayed it until such a time as you could better handle it, and let it seep in, little by little instead of overwhelming tides...for you have been aware, all along, that you lost your love, you haven't forgotten that at any point.

Grief is hard to work through no matter how/when we do it. You do well to let yourself cry when it hits you. It's also good to try your best to stay in the moment, to continue to live, and it may have been a good decision to remove yourself from the stressful job and place yourself in one more enjoyable, at least for now.

Of course your new fella isn't like your old one...they never are. Try to enjoy what is and him for who HE is, knowing that what you had is now in your memory, but what you are left with is now your reality. It's all rather like a juggling act, and it takes time to learn the balance.

Good luck to you and your present and future!

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We have missed you on this site. I'm so glad to hear that life in the US is helping you on your grief journey. I'm sure you remember me, Mark died in a motorcycle accident and you and I shared several emails about our losses being similar. I'd like to suggest that you make the time to actively grieve. Facing the loss and the pain is essential to moving on. Avoiding it will not end it, it will actually prolong the pain. There are so many ways that you can work through grief, but it is a very personal journey. Set aside a time to write your thoughts, or to just sit and cry. The process takes time and is exhausting. Reviewing what has ended and what you've lost is devastating, but in the end you will find relief. Everytime you face the pain it is weakened. We are all here to help you along the path and remember that it is always changing and evolving. Two steps forward and two steps back but moving along is the key.

Take care, Cheryl

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I'm so glad that you've posted again to let us know how you're doing. I'm happy to hear that you're enjoying your new venture, But as Kay and Cheryl both said, you have to find time to grieve properly . Keeping busy is good, but at some point the energy might burn out. You really have to find the time to be alone and be able to mourn your loss.

It's good that you met a new friend, and that's all he has to be , it's just nice to have someone to talk to, go places with and just hang out.He can't compare to Zubeir because he isn't Zubeir, there isn't another one like him. But maybe ,given a chance, you will find he has many good traits also.

Keep us posted on your progress.


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My dear friends! I have missed u all sooo much! I came back to this site, because I knew that this is the one place that i can come to and find my friends who truly truly understand. The whole idea of being in another country has now lost its novelty...even though i absolutely love it here.

The life i am leading now feels like a lie. Yes its reality, but i know Im running! Im dying inside every day and its just getting worse!I dream of zubeir every night and im miserable in the mornings. I get sad more often now..and i quicky get busy to forget...

Cheryl, ofcourse i remember you my lov...both having lost our loved ones in accidents...I still cant accept how we just didnt get a goodbye or a warning.

Kayc, i hope u dont mind but i have always thought of u like my mom....and lainey, missed u soooo much too!

You are all so right in that i pushed my grief aside. Im sufffering lately, especially becaused i tried to ignore it for so long...

Right now im crying coz all the memories are hitting me. I remember our camping trips and his voice is in my head!

The new guy...you're right he is sweet and wonderful in his own way. Hes showed me hope and I will forever be grateful to him. But thats over now...We both want different things and Im better off being alone for a while.

Really missed this site. How are u all doing?

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It's okay to be alone and take some time to process all of the things you've been through...the changes and loss, it takes time. We're here for you! And no I don't mind being thought of as a mom, it's what I always did best :)

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