Out Of The Rut And Into The Fire

[DVLocker]

I have kept to my plan of not sitting in my chair all weekend feeling sorry for myself. Today I had the earliest start I have had. I started cleaning at 7 AM and believe me the house needs it after 7 months.

The more I started moving things, cleaning them and putting them away the more my memories became a problem. I had to stop from time to time and look at Sally's picture. I would explain to her (yes I am still talking to her) that I miss her. She was a clean freak and I was her total opposite so, for me to clean she has to be smiling down.

I think this has been the best Saturday in months for me so far. When I get the house clean enough that Sally would not be embarrassed I hope to ask my sister-in-laws over to help me go through more of their family things. I know in my heart I can't keep it all.

[Anne E]

Congratulations! Those first steps are so very hard and you took a big one! It's been three years, and I still talk to Dick. I imagine I will always do that, my thought is that if it makes me feel good, it can't hurt!

God Bless.

Anne

[Lainey]

Yep, I bet Sally's smiling down at you, not only for cleaning up, but also for the progress you've made. Keep it up.

I still talk to Lars every day as if he were here, it'sgoing to be 16 months April 11th.

Lainey

[mfh]

Still talking to Bill...one year last Sunday. Congratulations on what you have done today...good for you.

[DVLocker]

Sunday and I am pulling out Sally's garden. It has overgrown with weeds. Digging down as I chopped I found her angels. She was so into angels. With gentle care I placed them outside the garden as I came upon each one, while I hacked and chopped at the weeds that buried her beautiful garden. My anger grew at the weeds and at my loss. I have not cried like this in a month.

[Lainey]

The crying is good, it is part of the healing process.

What are you going to do with Sally's garden once the weeds are gone?

Are you going to clean up the angels and place them somewhere? I have many angels in my yard(when there is no snow) and they have a calming effect on me. I'm going to find another one this spring and put itin the perennial garden for Lars.

Keep up the healing.

Lainey

[Anne E]

Good for you! I have tried to garden since I moved to Colorado. Dick was so into his garden. He just loved the time he spent digging in the dirt. I was usually right by his side, accepting his corrective instruction! LOL

I do not find the same joy any longer. I was out yesterday pulling weeds out of the herb garden and finally just gave up. It's way to dry here in the high desert of Colorado. I need to water a bit then try weeding. I think I am only going to deal with the herb garden this summer and maybe a few -- very few -- tomato plants.

Maybe little bits at a time will work better for me.

I too, just yank weeds and cry. I grab and yank like I'm pulling the hair of an enemy. That enemy being loneliness and my loss. It is therapeutic!!!

Anne

[DVLocker]

The angles are lined up on the patio table. Some of them were broken by a freak hale storm we had a week after she passed away. I found all of the pieces and will glue them back together. I am going to try to put the garden back like she had it down to the statues. It will not be the same though. The only thing I didn't touch was a little garden shovel she put in the edge of the garden before she got to sick to go outside.

I am upset with me for letting the garden die. I realize I was so busy taking care of Sally but, it hurts me.

[kayc]

Good for you! I have found that keeping busy cleaning is therapeutic also. It makes me feel positive because I'm accomplishing something, it gets my mind off things, and helps time pass faster...plus it wears you out so you sleep better. And yes, I just bet your wife is smiling...