I Love You Dad....and Miss You So

[trying2Cope]

It has been awhile since I have posted on here, and I'm having a very difficult time once again, so I'm turning to you wonderful people out there, going through the similar heartache that I am. My lovely father passed away on January 21, 2011. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and miss his sweet smile and his gentle hug. I feel robbed. The other night I couldn't sleep as I kept thinking of him and just bawling my eyes out. I ended up oversleeping for work, and once I got there I messed some things up because I was flustered and then immediately started to weep. His absence is killing me. I'm trying not to let it, but I feel its devouring me. I do have my good days, but I think its mostly when I am alone that I start to feel rotten again. People tell me it gets easier, and I sort of believe them, but I'm just not so sure. This grief is coming in waves for me, and now I feel like I'm back to the moment I first found out that he had passed. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel scared. I feel helpless. All I want is to see him, and I know that's not possible. It is just unfair. I know death is a part of life, but its still unfair. That's how I feel. I know my Dad wouldn't want me to be sad. Its just so hard not seeing him when I go to visit my Mom. I just don't know what to do. The thing that sucks the most is so many people around me have moved on, and I'm still stuck, in this awful place. I will never be the same. When he died, a part of me went with him, and I will never be the same. I just don't know what else to say. I'm just praying that I can pull things together, and live a life that my dad would be proud of. I miss him so much and it hurts. Sending hugs up to you in heaven Dad!

[Aquarius7]

Hi,

I can relate to all you write about. I too, am having a lot of the same feelings as you; not being able to sleep, seeing others "move on" (that one, I really can't deal with because it all seems SO fresh to me and others are acting like it is all done with) and your feelings of being angry, scared, sad and helpless. Not having my Mom and Dad anymore is the absolute worse feeling I have ever felt in my life. It has totally changed me and I really care about little anymore. Nothing else seems to matter like it did before. It is all trivial. I am caring less and less about things. Maybe that is not good or maybe it is good. In any case, I don't care about much. In fact, at times I am ready to leave this world too. It is such a lousy and cruel place thanks to the selfishness of the human race.

I just miss my Mom and Dad like I never, ever thought I would. Sorry to vent.

[Cat_Lady]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I know what it is to lose a parent as my Mom passed away on January 4th, 2011 (my Dad is also gone in 1999). Yesterday I came back for the first time in a while with many the same feeling you seem to be expressing. You are fortunate to have your job as a distraction and I think this may help you. I am not working right now and I all I have to do is live with my grief. It is does seem strange how other people seem to move on so quickly. People have told me that it is still very early and that I should not expect too much of myself, and so I pass this advice on to you. Losing a parent is devastating. There are no two ways about that but try surrounding yourself with loved ones and perhaps even though they cannot experience your grief with you, they can be there to help you pick yourself up when you need it. Coming here to express myself is of great help to me. I can see other people, like yourself, struggling and be reassured that my feelings are perfectly normal. Grief is going to be a long process but with the help of people, like the ones here, you will get through it one day at a time. My greatest hope is that our parents in heaven are free of all kind of suffering and that they can look down on us and know that we will eventually come out the other side of our grief. Take extra good care of yourself ... you deserve it.

[Barking Dog]

My dad died in February. I don't live in the same state as he did, but as he was my last living parent, my family as I knew it, and my home, my concept of my home, will never be the same and it doesn't exist anymore. I feel very detached. I had four days since he passed that I didn't cry. It helped to be in a whole different city for a week for an excursion. I found that when I told people I wasn't the same person anymore, that I needed time away, they were okay with it. Two people told me their parents' passing stories, one started crying too, so we gave eachother a hug. That was better. I guess death connects us somehow. Somewhere, there are people who understand. I believe we find theses people if we keep our eyes open. People like you all here.

[EBsgirl]

I want to say I know how you feel. My dad died suddenly in February this year. I'm 25. I live on a roller coaster of various different emotions. A lot of the time I'm so busy, I don't have a lot of time to think. But will think of my dad at least a few times a day and at most almost every thought I have is consumed with him.

The loss is palpable, it's so thick I feel like I'm wading through life in it. Most people have no clue of what I'm going through and I feel like I make others uncomfortable by speaking about it.

Im not sure if im helping with this reply, but maybe knowing that others struggle with their version of grief as much as you do will help. I found some comfort in your post.

[Violet Rose]

I lost my Father on 11 April 2011, I am an only child and lost my mother in 1996. I have my good days and my bad days, today is not a good day. I go through so many emotions and sometimes don't know why, but even with a loving partner, I feel alone, scared and abandoned. I know my Father would never abandon me, yet I feel that I have. I still have my times of disbelief that he is gone. I am trying to slowly clean the old house up and keep finding myself waiting for him to walk into a room and ask me what I am doing. This is a roller coastr that I don't want to be on and can only get off after time has healed. At the moment I am struggling with depression, anger and insomnia. I am trying to do my job and keep up my usual routine but it is hard and sometimes I don't feel like fighting. I am not angry at my Dad as I know he could not stay but for some reason I am angry. It could be frustration but I still want to lash out and scream or throw things. The lonliness and despair of the hole he has left in my life is almost unbearable but I have to continue on. At this very moment, crawling under my desk and crying is something I desperately want to do.

Kayla

[emptyinside]

I like what EBsgirl said above. The loss is palpable, it's so thick I feel like I'm wading through life in it. I feel like every day of my life now. I can never not feel it. It's like this boulder sitting on my chest. I have no good advice. Just wanted to say you are not alone. Today is a particularly bad day for me.

[2sweetgirls]

I nodded my head through each and every post. I feel or have felt exactly as all of you, at one time or another.

It has been 17 months since mom died and 7 months since dad died. I still have all those emotions just not constantly. Some days I do feel like I'm wading through it also. It seems when life is going well, it's less. When challenges of life creep up, the wave crashes over me all over again. The anger is a bit less but, I felt angry, at who or what I don't know, for a long time. Christmas time was terrible for me. I felt like a scitzophrenic. I didn't know if I was coming or going.

I know I haven't offered any advice. I really just wanted to share that you are not alone.

Hugs to you.

2sweetgirls

[BellaRosa]

I feel the same as all of you. Angry, but not sure why. Depressed, confused, scared, abandoned. I know my mom didn't leave me on purpose, but I can't help but feel abandoned. I don't understand it. I'm married, but I feel so alone and empty without my mom.

[Violet Rose]

I am angry and I don't really understand why and everyone around me is copping my outbursts. The insomnia and broken sleep is starting to take it's toll as I am tired yet cannot get sleep. I am not ready to be back at work but I have to. Every time someone asks if I am OK, I burst into tears. I know this is going to take time, but this had affected me a lot more than I ever expected it to. Lost is about the closest single word to describe this.

Kayla

[niamh]

I am so sorry for each of you who has also lost your Dad.

Kayla, I'm an only child too, I still have my Mom, I'm so sorry you've lost your Mom aswell.

I too have that feeling of being abandoned by my Dad. He never ever disappointed me or let me down when he was here ...........but now at times although I know logically it wasn't his fault or his doing but I feel like he let me down ..............and WHAT A LET DOWN, it couldnt actually be any worse.

Erin, I know I still get angry too, for me I think it's simply due to the complete and utter lack of control of all this, that nothing at all I do can bring my Dad back, nothing I can do to chat to him properly. Angry that nobody explained to me why my Dad was taken from this world and why my Mom & I were left alone without him .........angry that I don't know for sure "who took him" and where he is now.

I think our parents provide a security blanket in this world, no matter how old they are, no matter where we are in life, single, married, married with our own family, married with grown family & grandkids......none of it matters, a parent still provides some sense of security and losing that is scary, there's no blanket under us anymore ..........maybe just a few threads because I don't believe anyone else can provide that same level of security.

I remember someone once saying to me that I still had family, I still had my Mom .......but none of that "matters" with grief, because the problem is the ONE and only person you want is not here, of course I'm grateful for my Mom & family but I simply want my Dad and nobody else can take his place, nobody can give me what he gave me so I do feel alone, empty, abandoned & scared without him.

((hugs))) to you all,

Niamh

[EBsgirl]

Niamh, I just want to say I know exactly what you mean. It doesn't matter what you have around you-and good things only seem to soothe. The one thing that your heart most desires, the one thing you feel you'd give anything for- is to see that person again, to hug that person again, is the one thing you can never, ever have on this earth. I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

I'm trying to get meaning out of this experience(the positive person in me). I know that I have a new found appreciation for the people I love in my life but that doesn't ease the weight of the pain. Then I try to turn that thought on it's head and say well, the intense desire to let everyone who still has their Dad know how unbelievably lucky a human being they are, so shouldn't I be able to practice what I preach?

My Dad lost both his parents at the age of 16. I try my best to gain comfort and strength in thinking of that. He managed to have a wonderful life-he loved life, lived it to the full and was happy. I'm just a million miles off that kind of life right now. I guess it just takes time.

Hugs to you all.

[EBsgirl]

also want to say to empty inside, much love to you. I know how much it hurts.

[mdrobbo03]

Hi everyone, i've never posted on any forum before, this is proberly because u never thought i would be in a situation like like this, my dad dad passed away on 20th may 2011 at the age of 48 and he never smoked and only drank from the age of 35 with me at weekends at the rugby matches, even then not much (maybe 6 or 7 pints a week) then died in his sleep of heart failuer as my step mum told me yet i still dont understand as he was my dad, role model and best friend what "acute mycardial ichaaemia" and "severe cornary artery atheroma" means as she spoke to the corena, one minute were out in the garden and the next morning after work i get a call "come round, its your dad" i get there and the paramedics say theres nothing more we can do!! something must have causes this, surely.. i just miss him and never got a chance to say goodbye..picture attached is mine and wifes wedding 6 months ago where my dad was best man.

[niamh]

hi mdrobbo03,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost my Dad suddenly also due to cardiac arrest. He was in hospital for routine removal of kidney stone, was due home the day we got the 3 am call to come in. I still have days where none of this feels real, how could my Dad simply be here one minute, planning Christmas and all that, next minute he's just gone, poof and Mom & I left to pick up the pieces.

I'm not a medical person but have done a hell of a lot of reading on all the medical terms related to Dad........my understanding is "acute mycardial ichaaemia" reduced blood flow to the heart and "severe cornary artery atheroma" is related to blockages or build up in the heart which narrows the arteries reducing bloodflow, all of which put enormous pressure on the heart and body. All technical terms for heart disease .......often which are genetic.

I get the questions you have, if you can it maybe it's possible for you to talk to the doctors who treated him just to get a better explanation. The unfortunate thing is I think there will always be questions, always be what ifs because simply losing someone is so beyond comprehension and we are left with so many unanswered questions.

I looked further into my Dad's cardiac arrest, looking for answers yet in a way I knew I never would get the real true answer, the WHY, the purpose of it all..........while I got some answers from the medical side I ended up with even more questions.

I too wish there was so much I could have said to my Dad but I think he knew anyways how much I loved him, how proud I am to be his daughter, how proud I am of the man he was and how honoured I am to have had him in my life.

I didn't see your photo attached but I'm glad your Dad got the chance to see you marry. I wish I had words of comfort for you but I don't think they exist.

Just know that there's lots of people here to listen and share with you,

((hugs)) to you,

Niamh

[trying2Cope]

It has been awhile since I have visited this site. I was touched to see that so many responded to my original post, and also heartbroken for those who have lost their loved ones just a short time ago. Grief is an awful thing. The first time I posted on here I was in an awful, dark, horrible place. People kept telling me that time heals wounds and honestly I just wanted to tell each and every one of those people to shut their face. I was wrong. While my grief is still very much present, I have found moments of peace since my Dad's passing just 5 short months ago. One of those times was just a few weeks ago. I went to visit his grave with my little girl. On our way there we stopped to pick out flowers to leave for him. My daughter chose a beautiful lavender rose, and I chose a bright pink gerbera daisy. My dad had a passion for flowers and gardening. I sat by his grave for almost 45 minutes. The sun was shining, the wind was blowing, and even though I was weeping, it was the closest I felt to my Dad since his passing. I felt his presence so strongly. I know he was there with me, smiling at my daughter touching his headstone. I pray for more moments like those. I miss him like crazy and it literally feels like its driving me insane somedays. I just have to remember that he's watching over me, and he's telling me that he's ok and that I shouldn't be sad. I pray for those who are grieving like I am, that you find some peace. Love to all of you out there.

[mckydea]

Hello, not sure what I will say on here just know that I am having a hard time with the loss of my dad. He was diagnosed with cancer may 23 and died June 26, which was my birthday. Everything just happened so fast, I just dont think it has sunk in for any of us in the family. My mom just tells me its different to lose a spouse which I understand, but I lost my hero. I know that it has been a short time but it does help to read your stories and know that I am not alone out there. thank you all for sharing.