Grief Support Group

[Anne E]

After being invited by the secretary at the church many, many times, I finally broke down and went with her to a Widow Support Group sponsored by the local Hospice group.

Let me first say that I have been extremely reluctant to in my words "go to a group of little old ladies all crying about missing their husbands". I imagine this is just another of the numerous ways I have been deep in denial.

This group meets once a month over the lunch hour for about 2 hours. Everyone brings something to share and a meal is shared. The leader of the group is a new acquaintance I have met at church, a very, very empathetic woman about my age. Her husband died about a year or so before Dick died. She recently has retired and therefore has been at daytime things I attend at church. We have been kinda drawn to each other.

I must report that I must have been out of my cotton pickin mind not to attend earlier. The meeting was very low key. Because there were two new people in attendance, they went around the table and asked everyone to say why they were attending. The kleenex box was passed to the next person when it was her turn!! The session was not all tears, there was quite a bit of laughter as we talked about ourselves and how we see and feel things, how we react to situations and how "crazy" we can tend to act.

It was very, very good for me to see that almost half of the ladies there lost their husbands in February, 2008! That's the exact month and year of Dick's death. February was not a good month in 2008! Not only that, but the other ladies were in as much pain as I still am. It was affirming for me to see that I am not taking this little stroll through my new life alone with bruised emotions.

So, I guess I am writing this because I want you to GO if you have been invited!!! Then report to us about what you thought. I definitely think I will go back next month.

Anne

[HAP]

Dear Anne,

My experience with a physical grief group was similar to yours. I actually went there first before finding this group. The problem with my group is that it only meets once a month--and the intervening weeks can be pretty empty. I have not figured out why they meet so infrequently, but suspect that it is a financial issue as much as anything. Or maybe there is less call for it here than elsewhere. Yankees tend to want to tough things out sometimes on their own. Makes no sense to me, but there you are.

I find both groups very useful. This group forces me to set things down on paper, as it were--which for me, at least, is very therapeutic. But physical presence has a lot to offer as well. I like to be able to see people's faces when I talk--and when I listen. There are lots of cues we can miss here. I worry a lot about that because sometimes my words run away with me--I can easily cause offense in writing things because I can't see the reaction--if that makes any sense.

I also find the actual sound of people's voices reassuring and comforting in ways words on a page--or a screen--rarely can be. On the other hand, I seem to be the only male currently in that physical group. Sometimes it is nice to hear what another male's perspective is. No offense to the women present, because I find that perspective very important as well--but I think one of the things that makes this group so useful is that both sexes are represented. It gives the meetings here a very different flavor. The geographical range also brings a lot of different perspectives to the table.

So I strongly second your suggestion that people get out to local grief groups. It is a very different experience than this is--and in many way just as beneficial.

Harry

[kayc]

Anne,

I'm glad you have such a group to go to, it helps to get out and spend time with other that have gone through the same things.

[Anne E]

I totally agree about the length of time between meetings. It would be nice if the group could meet more often. I am also getting individual counseling which I will now schedule between the grief group meetings. I think that will help.

I have never thought about a "co-ed" group but think your opinion is really interesting. I guess my first knee jerk reaction would be that I don't want men to see me weepy. There goes my pride and vanity again!!! Dick was always so distressed if I broke out in tears.

It is helpful to see and hear others share their pain. It made me feel less alone and like I'm a part of a group working to be strong and healthy.

Anne

[Cheryl]

I also attend a group. We have two men and five women. We have three facilitators, one man and two women. We all have kids between the ages of 5-17. The kids also meet in groups, by age, with facilitators. The male input has been awesome, both as attendees and facilitators. The men miss there spouses as much as us women and they also have kids to take care of. We are all in the same boat and bring a different perspective to the group. The men are more matter of fact about things and the women are more emotional! No suprise there I guess. Going to a group has made a huge difference in the journey. I started one month after my husband died in an accident, unable to even speak and wishing I was dead. After 19 months I am no longer the newbie in the group and the progress is remarkable. I never thought it was possible to learn to cope and carry on. I was convinced that I would never be able to be happy again. I was wrong. It is not the same but there is new excitement that I am learning to live again and someday I hope to love again. I recommend going to a group to everyone. Give it four visits and if it doesn't fit find another group.

I know of another group that only meets monthly and several of the members decided to meet on there own for coffee on the off weeks. I see a therapist once a month in between our two meeting and it has been a really good mix. She keeps me focused on setting goals and learning how to take the time to take care of me. The group makes me feel like I'm not going crazy and less alone in my loss. Plus my kids feel less unique.

There is a lot of loss out there. From suicide, murder, war, drownings, accidents, illnes, cancer, heart attacks. I have met all these families. Each of these people are somewhat like me. Although each loss is different we all have a lot to offer one another. Seeing the tears on another persons face makes it more real. Hearing the sadness and lonliness brings it back to reality and really, really helps.

I never thought group and counceling was for me. I thought it was for the weak and damaged. Guess what? I am weak and damaged! This will be the hardest journey of my life and I don't want to walk it alone. I'm already so alone in my thoughts.

Hugs to all of us! Cheryl

[Anne E]

Gosh, just love how you read my mind and have never met me. I love the idea of the coffee meeting between group meetings. I think I will attend for a couple of months, then ask the women I feel the most comfortable with if they would like to meet. What a great idea.

I too never thought I would appreciate counseling or a support group. I learned that a support groups is "life saving" when Dick had been in the hospital for weeks and weeks and was invited to attend the lung transplant support group that met at the hospital, right down the hall from Dick's room. It was a total life saver. That is where I learned that is it not a Mortal Sin to be weak and out of control. Unfortunately, I managed to forget that after I woke up to find Dick lying dead by my side!

It is such a good thing to at last be finding some solid ground again.

See, this group has already broadened my thinking!

Anne