Suggestions?

[Nick]

How does anyone deal with family members and friends all taking vacations with husbands and kids it's making me very depressed! Both my sister and sister in law I guess I'm envious of them just another reminder of what my life is not anymore. It seems nobody gets it they just keep going on about their trip and how they love vacation. I guess I'm just feeling really sorry for myself and my two sons. They are not being able to experience other parts of the world my husband wanted so badly for them to travel and be well rounded. I feel I'm failing at giving them a rich environment I can't do and be all! I feel their loss for them everyday and I know as they get older the void in their lives is going to be more obvious. They will be more aware of what they don't have how do I make up for all the loss! Sorry for being so down tonight! I feel hostage to grief it's holding me back and I'm not happy about it at all! I truly want to change for myself and our two sons but every time I think I'm headed in the right direction another set back. Will I ever be on the track to happiness again? Thanks for listening!

[melina]

It sounds pretty insensitive for these people to go on and on about their vacations like that, when you can't afford to go anywhere. But maybe they don't realize how it affects you. Could you tell them flat out that you'd rather not hear about it because it makes you feel sad that your children aren't getting that chance and gives you feel even deeper grief over the loss of your husband? Not easy, I know, but I've told some friends this recently, and they apologized and stopped bragging about their vacations.

That being said, I don't think you need to worry about your children not becoming well-rounded enough because they can't visit exotic places. Most kids are not really as interested as we think in going abroad - and the well-roundedness comes from other sources altogether, like education, friends, and of course the love and support from family. My sister and her husband (she still has one) never traveled abroad because he didn't like to travel, so their oldest son's first encounter with another country was on a high school trip to Canada. They spent their vacations camping and were fine with that.

Your children will have plenty of chances to see other places when they're grown and can make their own choices. You may be feeling bad for yourself (I know I am) that you can't travel or have other experiences with your husband. Grief over the loss of things that might have been is pretty normal, I'd say. My grief after 8 months is still very heavy, and in the midst of it all, I also feel frustrated at having to manage on one salary now. All those places we'd planned on seeing that I can't afford to see, let alone with my kids. It's just not possible. Even if I did have the money, we'd have to go without my husband - that just feels devastating. One day, I think - and hope, this will be easier for all of us.

Melina

[Lainey]

Once the funeral is over, life goes back to normal for the majority of people. It is only us that have lost our loved one that feels the loss and pain.

I'm sure your family members don't know or realize what you are feeling, I would be inclined to gently let them know how it makes you feel when you hear them talking of their vacations.

As for you children missing out.. if you show them how much you love them and guide them with good values, they are not missing out. Trips to exotic places/abroad are great, but not important. We camped and spent time with g/parents, occasionally we went on a road trip and they were just happy to be with family.

Lainey

[hello123]

This is EXACTLY how I felt! Over Christmas my mums family went off on holiday and it was our first christmas without our dad and we usually spend it there but obv we werent celebrating and i was SO angry at them going away and I know it upset my mum but as you said life carries on as normal for eveyone else, I thought it was so insensitive as well and we were jealous my mum wanted to plan a trip to florida and my dad had just started a new job and we were going to all go. At Valentines as well my uncle and aunty went away for a weekend and you can't stop people from doing this it was just at christmas I thought it was so rude of them as though it didnt even affect them!!!!

[hello123]

Sorry that wasn't really a suggestion but just to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way, my younger brother whos now 8 loves going to theme parks in the holidays my dad would take him all the time, even I would but my cars broken and my mum plans to take him but shes always unwell so cant and feels really bad and that hes feeling the void, its inevitable all you can do is try and do as much as you can but don't pressure yourself I hate how people say to my mum "you have to be a mum AND a dad now for the kids" and it's like no, he's gone and its a massive void and try and work around it and do things but don't pressure yourself to fill his role as well just do what you can I'm sure whatever you do is good enough for your children!!

[Cheryl]

HI Nick,

We haven'ted posted to each other in a long time. I can tell you that trying to figure out what you are capable of providing for them is as hard as actually doing it. My first "vacation" without my husband was a one day white water rafting trip on the Upper Salt River, two hours outside of Phoenix. It was 7 months after he died. It took me two weeks to plan the trip and I canceled it in my head 12 times. I was horrified to think of myself doing anything without Mark. Didn't want to do it and petrified to do it alone. My husband and I had done the same trip with couples several years ago so I knew it was possible and I knew the kids would be soooo excited. No one understood how difficult it was for me to execute. I was still at the stage where going to the grocery store was difficult.

I can't explain how life changing it was. There I was driving my kids to the top of the canyon, getting in a raft and charging down class 3 and 4 rapids. I cried off an on the whole way there and through out the day.I had NEVER done anything without my husband before. But seeing the look on my kids faces, to see them laughing again and screaming with anticipation as they rounded the next corner, awesome. It wasn't cheap, about $450. But I gave up several things for several months in order to afford it. My kids still talk about it!

I went home after that weekend and realized that it was up to me to do the things I thought we would have done together. Although we'll nver be able to afford to do them the same way when Mark was alive. I could research, budget and plan in advance. Two weeks before the one year anniversary of my husbands death I boarded a plane to Honduras with my kids. We took four flights. Phx to Miami to El Salvador to Honduras and then a small prop plane to the jungle. We went kayaking on the bay, snorkeling on the reef, rafting on a class 5 river, fishing on a deserted island and zip lining from the jungle tree tops. We saw monkeys in the wild and alligators in the river. My family and friends were stunned and cautioned me that we could all get killed! I laughed so hard. Mark died in an accident, no preperation or warning. We could all die at any moment. The trip cost me alot more than the two hour trip from Phx. It was more than I should have probably spent. I don't want you to think I'm suggesting you do anything this radical, but I do want you to know that there are lots of options and ways to make memories with your kids. They won't remember the toys you gave them or the meals at McDonolds but they will remember the marshmellow samores in the backyard and the tent that kept falling down or the funny clown at the circus or the bikeride to the farmers market.

Take the leap. Even a small one. One step leads to another step which leads to another step. It's all about taking continual steps back into life. You are right, your boys will have a diffirent life than what your husband planned and it will be harder for them than most kids but they also will be stronger and more appreciative than othr kids. We have a right to feel sorry for ourselves and our kids. We have been through so much. We have lost so much. Ignore all the ignorant people that don't get it. They won't ever be able to see how life is through your eyes. When you are having a strong day, sit down and surf the internet for day trip ideas. It will make you feel so good!

Hugs! Cheryl

[Nick]

Thank you everyone I feel a whole lot better! I think I will attempt to take the boys on a little road trip. A very short one just for a day! I'm really feeling the need for a change of scenery and to get away even if it is for only one day. Cheryl sounds like your doing great! Hearing your story is helpful I think I get too caught up or stuck in the way it was SUPPOSE to be instead of creating our new way! This site is wonderful! I appreciate all of you and only wish the best for each of you as we all deal with our grief.

[Nick]

Thank you Lainey you are so correct! What really matters is being together as a family and showing my boys how much I love them!

[Nick]

Melina,

Thank you! When I think about it my husband never traveled his parents were poor and could not afford abroad trips and such. As he got older he made these things happen for himself he truly enjoyed himself! He respected and valued what it took for him to go on his trips because he paid for them all by himself by working hard and saving money! Valuable lessons I want my boys to learn!

[mlg]

Nick,

I don't remember how old your boys are but when we couldn't afford big vacations, just a weekend at a motel 30 miles away that had a pool was exciting for them. We always tried to find someplace to eat that wasn't available at home. Those were happy times to them.

[kayc]

I think it's insensitive whenever people go on and on about what they have/can do, etc. when you are struggling just to afford the basics and make it. I have a neighbor that spends his money on things he doesn't need (jewelry, guns, coins, Rolex watches, etc.) while I struggle to afford gas to commute to work and food to eat. That's okay, but I sure don't need to hear about it all the time! Then he'll say things like "well I just bought another gun so I might need to come to your house to eat, ha ha" and I hardly think it's funny. But chalk it up to insensitivity and ignorance because they haven't been in our position and don't know.

Melina is right, kids don't need trips abroad to be well rounded, and they can always travel later when they're older...the important thing is teaching them right values, being approachable for them to come to, spending time with them doing enjoyable things, and equipping them for life. Make sure to try and provide an atmosphere in which love and laughter can thrive...and if the laughter is a tall order right now, someday it will return.