Even The Dog Is Reacting To Loss

[mfh]

My husband died one year and a few days ago. Since his death, our calm, sweet Golden Retriever has taken to new behaviors. I thought others may be experiencing this in a pet. He started eating things like paper, a BIC razor (surgery and endoscopy xrays $2,000, two sets of ear buds and more). He has also become more needy. He has not done this since he was a new puppy. He is now 7. He has begun to bark at dogs from the car when we are out. He is more fearful and acting depressed. I am working with a training school and an animal behaviorist. They believe he lost his master/buddy and feels lost and is testing ME to see if I will be the master- hence the destructive behavior. We are slowly getting on top of this with lots of reshaping, training and classes....a good distraction for me and a lot of work.

It is not just we humans who feel loss....our pets react also. The day my husband died, our dog jumped up on his hospital bed (at home) where I was holding my husband before and after he died. He laid down on our legs for a while and then on the floor. He knew my husband was gone as well as I did. He sees me cry daily. I have gotten help so his negative behaviors do not generalize to people who he still adores.

[STARKISS]

Hi mfh, I understand what you are saying when my mom died my dog Chelsea who lived with her did so many strange things and after my dad died she completely went crazy for a while... At first she would go through the house as if she was looking for them both and she would do this again and again for the first month or so... Than it was also not eating for the first two days... She is now back to her old self and she lives with my brother... Shelley

[mfh]

Hi Shelley,

Bentley is bouncing back. Faster than me frankly. Yesterday he grabbed a pen and I caught him chewing that...he has not done that since Christmas time. So I know I still have to be alert. He is in obedience class and I am interacting with him a lot training him again...animals are so sensitive and great teachers....they feel also...I am glad your mom's dog is happy again. Now it it our turn someday. Thanks for your response. MFH

[Anne E]

Aren't our pets interesting? Dick and I had two dogs, both rescues. One is a All American Mutt, Champion and the other is a Jack Russell Terrier, H.R.H. Miss Sophie Queen of the Universe. (He named her! because of her typically terrier attitude)

When I came home after 9 months without Dick, both dogs grieved. Honestly, they did. When I went and picked them up from the saintly people who kept both of them in their home for the nine months, and brought them back to the house, they ran immediately to his chair, only to find it empty. Then they both ran back to me, sat and looked at me like I had done something terrible with their Dad.

For about a month, every time I left the house and returned, they did the same thing...ran to his chair, ran back to me, sat and gave me the "stink eye".

At night, when I could finally force myself to go to bed, they would run all over the house looking for their Dad. It was just so darn sad. Eventually, they settled down and life went on.

This is interesting! My brother sent me some DVD's he made from some family gatherings he had videoed. Dick, as well as the rest of the family, was on the videos. When they first heard Dick's voice, both of the dogs came racing into the room and ran right to the TV with tails wagging. I think they thought their Dad had returned. The three of us just stood there and I cried. It was just do darn sad, even after three years.

Don't know what I would do without my dogs.

Anne

[mfh]

I'm with you Anne. They act out for us and with us. My groomer said Bentley is testing me to see if I will be the alpha now....and no sooner did I say he has passed that phase than he got a pen last night and almost swallowed a sharp part of it. I do not know, however, what i would do without him...just have to watch him more closely for a longer while....mfh

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Common sense tells us that, just as we form attachments to our companion animals, they form attachments to us as well. I imagine your Golden was quite close to your husband, mfh, sharing much of his day with him, staying near his side throughout his illness and maybe even sleeping with him at night. When death separated them, it's understandable that the one left behind can become distressed.

Although there are no scientific research reports in the literature about this, I can assure you that I've read, heard about and experienced myself many examples of animals reacting strongly to the death of their companions (human and animal) with symptoms of separation anxiety. It's also possible that Bentley is sensing distress in you and in other family members (as well as that of others who've come to visit you), and is reacting to any changes in routine that accompanied this loss. When you think about it, how animals behave (with anxiety, restlessness, depression, crying and searching) is very similar to how we humans behave when we're grieving.

Here are some suggestions that might help a dog whose person has died:

• Keep your dog's daily routine as unchanged as you can, so it remains as predictable, familiar and consistent as possible.
• Provide comfort by leaving the radio or television on when leaving the house.
• Stick to his normal feeding routine. Even though you may be tempted to offer special treats at such a sad time, you don't want to reward his refusal to eat regular meals.
• If he seems to want it, give him extra attention, petting and affection, but try to do so when he is behaving in desirable ways (with toys, games and exercise). Again, you don't want to reinforce negative behavior, and you don't want to force yourself upon him. (Some animals who've always been friendly may behave in a hostile or aggressive way — another symptom of grief.)
• It may help to let him see and smell your husband's "things" (clothing, hairbrush, bedding, etc.). Some people recommend actually sitting down and "explaining" to the animal what happened to their companion. Your dog won't understand every word, but your gentle touch and the soothing tone of your voice will provide some comfort.
• Give him time to adjust to this very big change in his life. Like the rest of you, he is missing your husband and more than anything he needs you to be patient with him.

You might find this article to be helpful. (Note that this site invites you to register before reading the article, but you can opt simply to close the window that pops up.) Do Dogs Grieve Their Owner's Passing?

[mfh]

Thank you for your response, Marty. The article is excellent also...good tips in it. A friend of mine who lost her husband said after he died the dog stayed in the bedroom where he died most the each day and two months later also died...a young healthy dog.

I am meeting with an animal behaviorist this week to get some tips on handling/healing Bentley's new fear of other dogs and his neediness. He has been well socialized until Bill died and always gotten along with dogs who visit etc. but now is protective of the house and car...with dogs (never with people) within his visual field. And yes, Bill was his master-a gentle sweet master.

Getting him into obedience class has helped as he is getting daily training (my attention) between classes which he loves. If all goes well he will be certified as a therapy dog to visit nursing homes and hospitals (good for both of us). Your tips are quite helpful and I am doing most of those things already but I love the one about giving him a shirt etc. of Bill's....Bentley actually climbed up on the bed where I was holding Bill when he died...so Bentley was a part of Bill's death at the moment it happened and stayed there with us for quite a while. I will get a shirt out pronto and just let him have it. He grabs my socks all the time...just puts them under his head..does not chew them. :)True Golden. Thank you so much for all you offer to all of us. mfh Mary

[MartyT]

True Golden, indeed! The photo you attached says it all, doesn't it, Mary? Just look at the way Bentley is looking at your husband ~ the picture of adoration! I truly respect and admire how you're so willing to understand and tend to Bentley's grief as well as your own. Bentley is fortunate to have you in his life, and I think your idea of becoming a pet therapy team is wonderful. What a beautiful way to honor your husband's memory ♥

[mfh]

Thanks, Marty. Bill and I planned from day 1 to get Bentley certified as a therapy dog but Bill's illness interfered. I really hope it works out. Before Bill died and I was still seeing clients, Bentley came to the sessions and laid there unless the client wanted him to do otherwise. They are such healers. He and I are lucky to have each other. Thanks for your kindness. Mary

[MartyT]

Mary, I mean it when I say Goldens are a very special breed. Several years ago, one member of my in-person pet loss support group brought his Golden to our meeting (his other Golden had died) ~ and at the beginning of the session, that dog went around to every person sitting in our circle, lingered in front of each one and rested his beautiful blond head on each person's lap. He just sensed the sadness in the room, and obviously felt a need to do what he could to comfort each person there. I was astounded, and I'll never forget that scene. It sounds as if your Bentley is yet another one of these angels in a fur coat.

A book you might really appreciate (if you haven't read it already) is Michelle Rivera's On Dogs and Dying: Inspirational Stories from Hospice Hounds (New Directions in the Human-Animal Bond)

[mfh]

Yes, Marty. I have one of those Golden angels. I cry pretty much daily...at least once a day these days and every single time, Bentley comes over to me and just waits, sometimes puts his head on my lap...it happened today when I got ambushed and had a rough day...there he was, sitting and staring at me and waiting. He has lived with stress here as he was just 2 when Bill started to deteriorate with Alzheimer's. So most of Bentley's life he has seen me stressed and Bill sad and anxious from the Alzheimer's. No wonder he is grieving and acting out.

When I was seeing clients (before Bill died-I am not ready for that yet now) he greeted each one. (I moved my office to a home office with a private exterior door entrance) so I was not gone so long when Bill was deteriorating. Bentley would greet the client and then he seemed to know whether he should stay with that client or just lie at their feet. He is VERY sensitive. I know it is a Golden thing but Bill and I are both very sensitive people...Bill more than me. So Bentley has been exposed to all that in addition to being like that himself. I think his barking (and sometimes growling) at dogs since Bill died is possibly a protective thing because the alpha male is gone. In obedience class he is wary but ok with the dogs.

I look forward to checking out the book you listed also. Thanks for your response. It all helps on a particularly tough weekend and week. Life is a tough classroom and I know you have experienced that in your life and use that painful loss to help so many. Thank you. I try to do the same...and actually do that often. Peace, Mary

[emptyinside]

That picture is adorable! :wub:

[mfh]

It is cute. Little Bentley is now almost 8 years old...and weighs in at 74 pounds.