Queeniemary Posted April 24, 2011 Report Share Posted April 24, 2011 I have not done a lot of posting lately, although I do read the posts almost every day. My Michael has been gone over 15 months now, and while the peace I found on the anniversary of his death is still with me, there are still some hard days. Today is raining, actually storming. We loved to sit out on the porch and listen to the rain and the thunder. We both loved thunderstorms. I have been sitting out there, but it is just not the same without him to share it with me. So instead of being able to enjoy the thunderstorm, I am feeling a little blue and sad, remembering the joy we both got from the storms. (not wind, don't like the wind, but love the sound of thunder and rain). Been a real busy spring so far, been involved in a couple of community theater plays, went on a trip to New Orleans and a cruise with my daughter and 8 other theater friends, had a couple of emergency room visits due to some unknown health issues, (all is fine now), went to Missouri to twin grandchildren's senior play, and am getting ready to retire in 3 weeks. Will be directing a wonderful southern comedy right after I retire, that will be performed at the Lyric Theater early in June. My best friend Kathryn is coming from AZ around memorial day, and I am going back to AZ with her after the play is over for a week or so. We are going to be traveling on a train, and looking forward to the experience. Enjoy a group of wonderful friends, two of whom have lost spouses also, so they "get" it. I have so much to be thankful for on this Easter Sunday, but still am sitting here missing Michael so much that I just want to scream. I really don't cry a lot any more, just ever once in a while, it will still hit me, and then I cry. However, the sadness is always there, and the grief, I have just learned to cope with it, knowing my life is not over, and I HAVE to work it out. We are all at different stages of this journey we are all on, and if it helps anyone at all, I want to say that for me, at least, it has mostly gotten easier. I find joy, I find laughter, and even happiness in situations. The grief is always there, but more manageable than in the early months. I still talk to him in the AZ red rock urn, and probably always will. Oh, Wow, it is really raining now.....I am going back to the porch, with my coffee and (sorry to the non smokers) my cigarette, and imaging Michael sitting beside me on the glider...feel some tears coming on, but that is all right, rainy days always make me sad. Blessing to all of you on This Easter Morning, who are with me on this journey none of us chose to make. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted April 25, 2011 Report Share Posted April 25, 2011 Who knows but what he is there with you listening to the rain pelt on the roof and hearing the thunder clap! I don't know but what they can experience some of this world...just perhaps can't cross that great divide and hold us and speak to us once again as we'd like...but perhaps they find other ways to reach out to us. A friend of mine found a penny in a very unlikely place on the anniversary of her son's death...it meant so much to her, she was just sure he'd put it there for her as a message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted April 30, 2011 Report Share Posted April 30, 2011 Mary, Good to hear from you again, and it's encouraging to hear that you're busy enjoying life and that the tears don't come as often. I understand those "moments" - where that important someone is missing. It's like a huge gap, an empty space where he should have been. Still - you're an inspiration to the rest of us. I've reached 9 months now. I'm not sobbing the way I used to, but tears still come nearly every day at some point. It's now sunk in how immense this loss really is. I know the grief will never leave me, but I'm coping better now than I did just a month ago. Blessings to you as well.... Melina in Norway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted April 30, 2011 Report Share Posted April 30, 2011 Kayc, What I wouldn't give for a message from beyond the great divide! I've been asking for a message or a sign every single day, but if I've received one, I didn't realize it. Sometimes I can almost hear my husband's voice answering my questions if I'm in a calm state of mind - maybe walking in the woods. But most likely it's just my memory of his voice and my guess as to what he'd say if he were really here. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Melina, I sometimes think I hear my husband's response to situations. For example, it is mushroom season here in Ohio and we really enjoyed going "shrooming" together. One year we found 200 and we took them to my father-in-law, who loves them. We had plans that we would meet back there in a few days and enjoy steaks and mushrooms together. When we got there at the designated time, the mushrooms were all gone. His brother and dad ate them all up. Last week his brother gave me mushrooms that he had found this year and his wife cited the story about the mushrooms we had missed out on several years before. My instinct was to throw them away because he wasn't there to share them with me. Suddenly I heard, in my mind, "c'mon hon, you might as well cook them and eat them". I hadn't even been thinking about what he might say, but that is exactly what he would likely say. This has happened to me several times about things. I know that I miss him so much that anything is possible and maybe it is all just in my head but a part of me wonders if he is communicating with me at times. I know that I hope so. I'm going to keep listening. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Pat, My husband loved to look for mushrooms too, and after a few years of marriage (we were together 29 years), I began to love those little trips too. Here in Norway there are lots of them, and the cantarelle season comes as early as July. He had his favorite mushroom spots that I'll have to visit. Maybe I'll get a message then. I had one day in the woods where I was feeling really sad, but a not panicky, I-can't-stand-another-moment sad. It was just a deep, calm, hollow grief, with the feeling that I just didn't want to continue without my soulmate. I hadn't been able to remember his voice for a long time, but at that point I remembered it so clearly, it was almost like hearing it. He said, 'You know you can do it. I'm here with you.' I then asked several questions, cleared my mind as well as I could, and his words just came, exactly the way he would have said them. Even his laugh. I don't know - it could have been my brain recreating it all. But later I thought, who knows what happens after we die? Maybe we retain some sort of connection with those who were close to us. So that our thoughts and their thoughts interact. This probably sounds a little new-agey, but at this point, as you said, I'm willing to accept that anything is possible. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Mary, I know what you mean about the rain and storms, Ruth and I enjoyed sitting on our samll porch watching and listening to the rain as well, I've not found the same enjoyment in that simple thing since she left, but I am trying to find a new way to enjoy the rain and storms in my new home as I have a finished front porch we just have not gotten a lot of rain yet, but soon the Florida afternoon showers will arrive and I'll be ready our bench is on the porch waiting for me.... Melina and New, I hear Ruth all the time sometimes more than others and do not believe it's just my mind playing tricks as some of the saying's only she could come up with, I used to laugh with her when she came up with a new one, and the pennies from heaven are for sure real, just Friday at work I was having a major rough day, I had a major syrup leak in one of the machines at work and the repair tech was there, among that was several other issues I needed to attend to as I am the co manager feeling pressured and tense I was mopping up the mess when I became fully in gulfed in a panic attack and began to cry, as I was mopping and crying I ask God and Ruth for some strength, a few seconds later I heard a ping on the concrete floor and as I turned around there was a penny, it was shining with gleem, as I picked it up I heard Ruth say "it's OK Babe I'm with you" needless to say I went into total meltdown but within seconds the most comforting wave and warmth came over me and I was at ease, the panic attack was gone and I was in complete comfort, so with that being said we must keep an open mind as there is indeed a "hereafter" we just need to be open and receptive.... I am also feeling her presence strong in my new home as I unpack and place her/our things around the house, in fact tomorrow on my day off I'm going to set up the courio cabinet just as it was in our old home a task I've been postponing, I have taken pictures so I can get it arranged just as she had it so I'm sure the river will be flowing tomorrow but it's a good flow.... God Bless Us All NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted May 1, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Nats, wish I could share some of this rain we are getting (again) today. We have had a lot of flooding here in our town, and one of our roads leading up to the mountain where several of my friends live has partly crumpled and fell off the mountain. Pretty scarey. Don't mean to be too nosey, Nats, but how are things now with Brenda? Hope that is working out for you. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Mary, Thanks for asking...we are seeing each other but not on any routine, we spent Easter together and went out this past Friday for dinner, we are still regrouping and we are still intimate at times, we have talked and we both agree we just moved to quick, we longed for the love and companionship we lost when our spouses passed and we became overwhelmed and lost focus of reality...she is a wonderful woman and we both have plenty of time so moving slower is somewhat sad but needed, we must both continue our grief by closing things from the past as we continue to move forward as well...we do "Love" each other we are just confused as it's a new love and dealing with that while grieving is difficult as we all know the grieving is unbearable and overwhelming in it's self....so we will just take things day by day enjoying all we have had and all we will find.....she is comming for dinner tomorrow so I'm anxious to see her, at times the regrouping really triggers my grief for Ruth that's an aspect I really am having issues with because I panic thinking I've lost her as well, but when that happens I just remember God brought us together for a reason and I reflect on that as well as positve thoughts and energy then the waves roll by....I hope the rain lets up some for you sounds like you have had enough for a while, I wish you could send us some we need it here kinda dry my yard needs some attention and I've not got the irrigation system figured out yet in my new home, I also wanted to see what my first water bill was going to be before I started watering.... take care and stay safe.... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 7, 2011 Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Hi Mary, We got some rain today and you came to mind....hope things are going OK.... NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted May 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted May 7, 2011 Nats, glad you got some much needed rain. We have had more also, but not to the extent that we are having any more flooding. There was lots more damage here than I realized, several articles in the paper today. The road up the mountain that I was telling you about is worse, and is going to be just a one lane for a long time to come. Not sure how they will be able to fix it! I will try to attach a picture here to show you the damage. Take care Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted May 8, 2011 Report Share Posted May 8, 2011 Mary, That's an amazing picture, I can only imagine how much you must have gotten...glad the rains are letting up, we got just a little one day then small shower the other night, but still dry, my yard is looking kinda thirsty, I have an irragation system here just waiting on my first bill to see what personal useage is going to be then add irrigation, in fact I found I can get recalimed water just for irragation at a fraction of the cost so looking into that...hope all is as good as it can be with you, take care talk later... May God Be With You NATS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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