Coping With Ending Ties/friendships

[Lilac]

I've noticed many of you have had to cut ties or friendships during these hard times, or at least had to cope w/friends who haven't stepped up to the plate with support..

Questions:

1. If you find your friends haven't been supportive, how do you cope w/this?

2. If you had to cut ties, do you feel hurt or you can easily move on since they hurt you?

I'm trying to cut ties, but am having a hard time getting over being hurt.. I guess just knowing they hurt me wasn't enough to get over our friendship .. and I'm just trying to find tips or point of views that can help me through this, I don't want to keep thinking about it or feel hurt about it, although part of me feels I'm just concentrating on this to avoid feeling the pain of losing my father..

thanks.

[Guest Nicholas]

Maybe I am the odd one out, but everyone I am close to has been extra-supportive, many even made financial donations to the funeral and other expenses. I was even reconciled - well, sort of - with my estranged sister whom I hadn't seen for over 11 years.

Surely a true friend will always stand by you; if not, they are no friend.

Even my local post office, where I visit regularly to post my packages, raised £60 between them for me.

Nicholas

[2sweetgirls]

Lilac,

I am so very sorry you are having such trouble with your friends.

I agree with Nicholas - if a friend can't or won't be supportive in your time of need, they are not a friend. Friendship is kind of like a marriage - for better or for worse. Do you think you can find a support group where you are? A local hospice or a church, maybe. When mom died I still had dad but, after dad died I needed help to sort thru the craziness in my head with others that can relate. My husband was and is a great help but, I had to give him a break too. I was nervous about being so vulnerable in front of people I don't know but it was comforting, for lack of better words, to be physically in front of people, face to face, who are hurting too. Just like this site, you can share anything and people either just listen or offer a different perspective.

I wish I could tell you that you should just tell your "friends" to take a flying leap but that is something you have to do on your own or just decide that you will forgive and move on. I think it is completely sad that you have to deal with this sort of thing in this extremely hard time after losing your dad. I'm sorry if I was a bit blunt but, grief is hard work and these unnecessary distractions, at the hands of people who are suppossed to be there for you, really anger me.

I am going to try to answer your questions. The way I chose to cope, not to say that this should be your way, is by withdrawing from that person. I needed to "deal" with my losses and couldn't be bothered with anyone who was not with me. I was and am in survival mode. Still, to this day, there are people who I consider friends, not best friends but friends all the same, who I can't share my feelings with. I have learned how to manage my grief, most of the time, and who I can talk to and who I can't. Everyone is different with how they handle their own grief so you will need to handle it your way. As for being hurt when I cut ties with my oldest and dearest friend, well, if she couldn't or wouldn't be there for me, she is not my friend. I was so appauled by her words and actions, it was easy to move on. She will have to deal with her own actions when she is wearing my shoes someday. But again, each person is different.

Please keep coming to this site and writing. It really does help.

Peace and hugs to you.

2sweetgirls

[niamh]

Hi Lilac

I'm similar to 2sweetgirls.....I've pulled away from those i don't feel i get support from....or the support I need....everyone needs their own support....some need space at times,some need to be around people a lot more.a few of my friends have been truly amazing,I was 100% honest about what I needed and they listened and HEARD ....what I needed them not to say to me,the usual cliches and as hard as it was for them many times and still they bit their tongues and kept quiet and it meant the world to me.

In some ways i do feel hurt by those I've pulled away from,maybe it's more disappointment but I don't focus on it,in the grander scheme of things it's not much hurt compared to losing my Dad and that's about as much hurt as I can deal with at the moment. I feel I have more than enough to deal with than trying to be a certain way for people,grieve the way they expect me to,deal with it the way they want me to....my focus is entirely on just doing the best I can,MY WAY,whether others like it or not.

In some ways I get that many people just don't have any clue at all how to handle someone grieving and it can make things awkward.sometimes i do feel annoyed at them,other times i just resign myself to the fact that most of it is ignorance.....I don't think people in our lives intend to hurt us,not be supportive.the amount of patience and compassion needed to support someone grieving is enormous and I guess some people just don't have it or are not fully aware of what we need.

I know my actions with some have hurt them too because they feel like I just abandoned them but i needed to do it for my sanity.but as I said I cant focus on that for now,I have more than enough hurt and pain trying to just get through everyday.

Just know you certainly have a bunch of friends here who get it and are always here with you on this rotten road

Hugs and love to you

Niamh 

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I've just read an article addressing this matter of friendship in the face of loss, and want to share it with you: A Lesson about True Friends, for Those Facing Serious Illness