Year Number 2

[mfh]

As I read everyone's stories and reply to some with what I hope is supportive input, I also know how deep my own pain is these days. I have begun year 2 and was warned that frequently it is more difficult than year 1.....those who warned me, one a grief counselor, were indeed right. It is more difficult in a new way....my deep sadness and grieving continues but added to that is more thought about my own future with all those questions and emptiness; the fact that this loss is REAL is jumping out at me; others increasingly quit inquiring leaving it to me with most (not all friends) to ask for help if I choose to do so so I have a very few people with whom I can cry and talk but even then it is not often...not anywhere close to what it was like I was with my husband....so far removed from that. The nice weather adds to the pain....as people are taking about their vacation plans and I have no desire to go anywhere and really no one I care to travel with; people are out and about more and the days are filled with reminders of all we would be doing were Bill here. In a word-my loneliness and pain has increased dramatically. I survived a year and have enough evidence that I will survive but joy seems way beyond my grasp. I cannot even fathom joy. I am changed forever and that includes an emptiness that will never be filled. mfh

[Lainey]

"my loneliness and pain has increased dramatically. I survived a year and have enough evidence that I will survive but joy seems way beyond my grasp. I cannot even fathom joy. I am changed forever and that includes an emptiness that will never be filled. mfh "

My feelings also.. I know that I will survive. I do find happiness in my children and g/children,thankfully they all live in the same city as I do and we spend alot of time together, as we did when Lars was alive.

There isn't anything that will fill the huge black void inside of me, the emptiness, the deep sadness that is with me every step.I'm not interested in finding someone to take Lars' place, just want him back.

Year #2 is fast proving to be much tougher, reality has set in... THIS IS FINAL.

Lainey

[mfh]

Yes, Lainy. I agree. It is real. You are lucky to have children and g/children. Bill and I married late...no kids, no family near by and frankly they have been far less helpful than friends. I am so grateful for my small town and friends but as I said, only a small handful bring it up now. I look ahead and ask....what do I want my life to be like. I have no interest in anyone else...ever. That decision is made. Year 2....very tough. I sat here tonight feeling sooo alone and KNOWING that this IS my life. I go places, I do things, I publish a small magazine. I have a life and every single thing I do is empty. I am always pre-occupied by this loss and happiness feels like a memory. I am not glad you are in the same boat but I am glad that someone understands. Thanks much, mfh

[kayc]

I'm sorry...I hesitate to tell people that because I fear if they are in year one and it's already so hard how will they handle knowing year two is worse? I'm not sure it is worse, just different, but year one you have shock to cushion it and friends/family around for a while, although I seriously doubt the whole year, for me it was maybe 2 1/2 weeks, but the pastor's wife and her friend came around once a week for the first year and then quit abruptly, I guess maybe they thought I should be over it by then. Oh well, I don't expect people to come hold my hand for life, I know they have lives to live, but my missing George and feeling alone has never gone away, it doesn't matter if it's year two or year six. The fact is, I am on my own and I well know it. Finding someone to share the rest of life with does not appear to be the answer, all that did was compound things and I wish I'd never even tried. The truth is, there is no one even close to being what George was to me. So the loneliness and pointlessness of life persists. Why is it that we have a hard time just enjoying what is, by ourselves, without someone to share it with? It meant so much to me that I could share my heart with George and his with me...it also meant so much that we were best friends and did everything together. I have the satisfaction of knowing we lived life to the fullest and enjoyed and appreciated each other completely while we had each other...but the loss is still felt and continues. The only thing that has changed is I am pretty much used to it...don't like it, but I'm used to it. One of the hardest things for me is not having anything to look forward to. I used to look forward to our weekends. I could handle anything during the week if I just had the weekends to spend with him.

[mfh]

KayC

I am also in year two....going on 14 months. I find the weekends the worse...though the weekdays are difficult like today. Warm sunny days which we are now having are even more difficult. I counted and five of my friends are out of town this coming weekend with their spouses...something we would have been doing also....little getaways. I too am past the shock, I think, and seeing that this IS my life....lonely in spite of good friends...they all have their lives and families. I have no kids so if I am to be with anyone...it is friends and there is a point at which...that just plain runs out. Next month would have been our 25th anniversary....so what does one do on a day like that? I hear you loud and clear....you are not alone. Today is hard and it appears that rain will come and frankly the rain and gray skies match my mood. mfh

[kayc]

I would say Happy Anniversary...that is my wish for you, but it rings hollow. I know, October 19 comes and goes for me with no mention from anyone, as if he never existed (our anniversary), but by me, it will never be forgotten. It was the happiest day of my life, the day I married him, and I know it was his also.

It's hard to know how to lift ourselves up out of this lonely depression. I don't think medication would be the answer for this isn't something temporary that's going away, this is our lives now. If only there were something to look forward to, even if it were a yer or two from now, I could hold on for that, but this feeling nothing will ever be better, it doesn't go away. Kids don't help either because I don't see them, my son is two hours away and extremely busy and my daughter is 1 1/4 hours away and doesn't choose to make time. This is just my life. Maybe when I retire it will be different because I'll have more time to make friends, but I sure don't know when that'll be...another 12 years? Who knows what my situation will be like by then!

Anyway, I'm sorry, I wish you were sharing your anniversary together and enjoying life. Try to do something special for yourself today...something maybe he would have bought you or done for you.

[melina]

I've been thinking about how my grief will be as I pass the one year mark at the end of the summer. I don't like thinking too far ahead, because if I do, I start to panic. But I wonder if it's so hard to move on to year two because the first year has been such an utterly exhausting experience.

It's like running a particularly grueling marathon - then reaching the end - sweating, panting, about to collapse - only to have someone tell you that you have to do it all over again.

How will I get through another fall? Another dark winter, or a Christmas? How will I manage all the stuff I've just barely managed this year?

The panic sets in when I think about every single year I still have to get through until I die.

That sounds really depressing, but it's late in the evening, and I tend to wallow in grief at this time of night. Sorry...

Melina

[Cheryl]

Melina you will do year two just as you are doing now. One day at a time. Each time you stop to cry, grieve and feel the pain it weakens its hold just a tiny bit. You will find that gradually you are begining to cope better, you will be less anxious about how to fill the hours as you begin to participate in new activities. You will begin to stretch your wings as you feel more comfortable trying new experiences. It is the year of accomodating loss into everyday life and learning how to be someone diffirent than you were before. It is harder in many ways, but it is also a year of growth instead of panic. I have found that rather than feeling happy I am just grateful that the gut wrenching horror of death is gone and is now replaced with soft sadness for what I can no longer have. I pray that this hard work will pay off with a new happiness. But I am not at that place yet. Hugs, Cheryl

[mfh]

Melina, I am two months into year two. It started out to be pretty tough...the fog is gone, though I still feel shocked that this has happened, it is not quite as shocking as it was. When the pain has lifted, the reality has hit...he is gone for ever and I am alone forever. In addition I am thinking more now of MY life, what to do with it...how to find even an ounce of joy. I also agree with your description...for sure...the marathon, the exhaustion, more holidays, more life without my Bill. Nothing is at clear for me. I sort of feel like a pan of popcorn that someone has taken the lid off just as it is popping...pieces all over the place. It is just hard in a different way...but just as hard as year one for me. I do find that I can get a bit interested in things. I am working with a geek to re design my website and that feels intersting, (not joyful...a bit fun). I do not know, for me...I am just all over the place. This week too busy, next week not busy enough...trying to find the middle, trying to find a reason to be that has an ounce of fulfillment. Things that I found fulfilling (like my publication) when Bill was alive are now empty. I am very confused. I know that might not help you but it is where I am as I dive into year two. I do know I will survive...the question: will I thrive.

[alone27]

It's amazing to me how similar our feelings are - grief really does have some universal truths. My Joel has been gone 1 year and 2 months - some days it feels like yesterday; others like forever. What you all write so eloquently about is what I struggle to articulate - I do go on....I survive, I keep busy....but the joy is gone. I see friends, try to make new ones....but it all seems so empty. Folks tell me I will discover the 'new me' - reinvent myself. The truth is that idea holds very little interest for me. I know one day at a time is the only way....but, quite honestly, sometimes I'm so sick of hearing that.The days fly by with very little meaning. You are all so right - changed forever.It's so hard to believe that the time we had together is now only memories - the story is over - it went by in a blink. Joel once told a dying friend of ours to think of life as a dream - I didn't understand what he was getting at then - but now I do. My life plays out before me like a movie....and before you know it, it's over. Sorry for being so maudlin - it just matches my mood.

I hadn't been on this cite for a long time....suddenly I felt the real need to 'talk' to people who truly 'get it'. I'm so sorry for all of our pain. Thank you for being able to say what I feel. It helps.

[mfh]

Ditto

[kayc]

Please, I caution you not to be afraid of year two...it's different for everyone, don't doom yourselves because you think that's how it'll go. I like what was said here, you'll get through it the same as year one, one day at a time. Remember, whatever you are experiencing and feeling, it is normal and you will get through it and we're all in this together.

[HAP]

Thank you Kay. This thread has been a bit spooky for at least this relative newbie. You are so right--every day is one step at a time.

Harry