Dreams Are Bittersweet

[mfh]

Well, a dream woke me up at 3am and I have been up ever since. Now at 7am I am having trouble shaking it. Of course, it was about Bill. I have been dreaming about him every night. I think it is related to our 25th anniversary next week. In the dreams we are having a good time usually doing something we enjoyed and then I awaken and he is gone again. This dream was about his death, however. So it has not been bittersweet...just bitter. Off and running to what appears to be a tough day ahead. Tears keep flowing and I feel like I just stepped backwards about 10 months. Next week is also the 15th month but it feels like the second. Feels good to have a place to put these feelings with people who get it. So many do not. My brother calls but never asks how I am doing. I know he does not know what to say so he talks about everything else. If I bring up my pain, he listens but says little. In spite of friends, good friends, I feel very alone today...and everyday. I know all of you know how this feels.

mfh (Mary)

[ksbeachbum]

Hugs to you Mary. You are not alone and it is understandable that a 25th wedding anniversary coming up, a big milestone, and the love of your life will not be there in person to celebrate it, but he will be with you and always is. Hold on to all the good memories and hopefully you will pass through it gently and peacefully.

Hugs

Becky

[azbrian]

I am sorry you feel alone Mary and yes we all know how that is.

I have also learned that now that time has passed people are not always understanding of the idea that we have not moved on like they have. We have all moved forward some to the extent that we can or want to at this period of time.

On the other hand it is not that they have forgotten her.

There were some nice posts on facebook last night about Ruth during the hockey game. Ruth is from Lowell, Mass and has a lot of relatives in the area.

[mfh]

Thank you, Brian and thank you, Becky. I pulled out of it a bit. A "friend" came to the door around 8 and when she saw me crying said, "something must be tripping this off" I calmly reminded her of my recent loss....people just can not understand that 15 months after spending 36 years with someone...why I would "still" be upset, grieving, crying....it did not help but your responses DID help. Thank you, mfh

[sunstreet]

Dear Mary,

Oh I am so sorry as I know the pain of this and it is so hard. You are not alone Mary and we all understand. I validate and relate to your feeling that you have stepped back about ten months but I want to encourage you that I believe you haven't. I believe our healing ebbs and flows as the tide. Sometimes we feel like we are back right where we started from and we can feel discouraged. I think when we find ourselves going back and remembering maybe with greater clarity the details as painful and as much as it feels like we are going backwards in our healing: in fact the opposite is occuring and we can not see it in the moment because of the pain.

I am so sorry for the pain. I will be holding you in gentle thought and prayer as you approach and weather such an important milestone as the 25th anniversary of the testament of the love that the two of you shared. I am so sorry that Bill is not here to celebrate your life and love in the physical sense any longer. I encourage you to let the tears come; let them wash away some of the pain; and be released to the universe. A native elder once said to me that the pain we feel is testament to the fact that were so loved and we so gave love. May that love and all of us here help to carry you the next while.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Dwaynecg]

Mary, You are not alone with these feelings of being alone. I feel alone every day. I have no friends that stop by, no one calls any more. I try my best to stay upbeat, but it is so hard to do. Just before I logged onto HOV I have been crying. I read about your dream and I know I am not alone with this feeling of loneliness. I think I will go for my walk and let sun shine on my soul for awhile.

Dwayne

Pauline's father is a big bruins fan I had to call him after the game. Because that is what Pauline would have done.

[mfh]

Carol Ann, it is so interesting that what I know to be true and have said to people for 40 years as a therapist seems to allude me at times. My brother said to me once that the longest journey we ever take is from the head to the heart....I really appreciate your feedback and reminder to me. I know healing is not a straight line...forward 4 back 2 forward 8 back 3....thanks for the reminder. I always feel less alone when I log on here because people get it and are non judgmental. I do celebrate our love and will next week but yes, without him here, it is very strange esp since we had great plans for this day. We always teased that since we married late, would we make it to this anniversary. He did not. I guess I thought he would even to the last week. You ARE a very warm person....filled with light.

Dwayne, I love your honesty and openness and vulnerability. I appreciate your reminders that I am not alone with my aloneness...you did not negate my feeling but you also reminded me that you and others ARE here. Thank you. I hope your walk was good. And I think I will use that as a reminder that I need to get out in that sun after a long day and Bentley, my dog, would be delighted with a walk.

Thank you both and all, mary mfh

[Dwaynecg]

mfh, It took me a long time today to go for that walk. It wasn't until Pauline's best friend Donna's husband Greg called me today. Almost a month ago he was on his motor cycle and a car hit him. His upper right leg has a rod and pins in. His left ankle broken and crushed the heal. He came home on Monday. We would go for coffee or something once a week. I picked up my cell phone to call him about 5 times. I did not want to burden him with my problems. I spoke with Donna after he came home to see if I could do any thing for them. He called and asked how I have been. I just broke down crying and telling him how much alone I feel today. He understands and that was why he called for me to go up to their house for coffee and talk. Then he told me if I don't go for a walk then walk for him. So I did I went out, we or I should say I, I just can not get use to saying I and not we, live only a block from the bay up on a hill. I can see the bay out my kitchen windows. So I did there is a bout ramp and a small park at the bottom of my street. I was out almost 2 hours and the sun felt good. I feel better now that I know either Greg or Donna is a phone call away.

Dwayne

[mfh]

Dwayne, I am so glad that you have those friends. How wonderful and so good that you were out for 2 hours today. I actually never walked. I fell asleep in the chair but having been up since 3am, that was good. I am glad your friend is ok after his accident and welcoming to your tears.

I can't get used to saying "I" either. I feel like Bill and I were a "we" one in heart and spirit. I am not used to being an "I" another sign of being alone.

Take care of yourself.

mfh mary

[kayc]

I am sorry I wasn't here yesterday, it was our day to take my quadriplegic sister out, and then my mom was in the hospital for her heart, and then we learned she had leukemia. It was quite a day, at the end of it I was exhausted so didn't not get on line last night.

I have only had one dream about George, I don't know why, maybe my subconscious is just fully intrenched in knowing he's gone. Sometimes I've felt gypped in not getting even that. But I know how horrible it'd be to wake up to find him gone again, like going through it all over again.

Others don't forget them either, they just don't know how to respond. We know that their lack of response is the worst response...but they don't realize that. Bring him up to them, you talk about him to them, when they see you being comfortable talking about it, it might help them feel comfortable doing so. Encourage them to participate with you in memorial rituals...telling about a good holiday memory with them, etc. Releasing balloons. Visiting a grave site. Planting a tree or flowers in their memory.