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My Girlfriend's Father Passed Away...


REM

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Hi. I've been reading some other people's posts and this site intrigued me. Maybe I can find some help or people that know more about grief and maybe give some advice. This relationship lasted for 2 years, was long distance (Maine - Pennsylvania), and we were talking about marraige.

I am 22 years old. My gf is 21 yrs old. She lost her fatehr about 3 months ago. It was quick, sudden, and her entire family (her mom, 3 sisters) got extremely upset. After the death, I was mourning the loss of her father whom I also loved very much. I was finishing college. I barely passed 2 of my classes. My parents were talking about divorce. I was stressed and upset and grieving too. One day, I told her that I needed to finish this project to pass my course. She argued that I couldn't text or anything. I couldn't due to having to walk 4 minutes to get reception. It was a busy day and I just needed to focus on myself. I said that she wasn't my top priority at the moment. A bad thing to say, but it was true. I needed to finish college and pass my classes. Later on, I said I wasn't sure if I had the spark for her. She talked to me, and I realized I hated the world and everyone in it, was stressed, but still loved her. I apologized, but she couldn't get over it. A week later, she broke up with me, and does not talk to anyone outside her family.

After the breakup, we were still friends. I would leave messages like, "Have a great day at work. I'm thinking of you." After another week, she stopped talking to me altogether and said I needed to move on. I would make some girl happy, just not her. I was devastated. I wanted to marry this girl. For 3.5 weeks, I've learned about grief, and I am trying to give her the space she needs. I want to text her and tell her something simple to cheer her up, but I can't think of anything. My plan was that after a month passes, I send her a unicorn pillow pet, so that she has something to give her comfort, and I will attach a note saying "Thinking of you. Hugs, My name". I just remembered I sent a letter, saying emotional stuff. I realize this wasn't the best thing. And she didn't want to hear it, but she didn't send the letter back, so that is a good sign?

What should I do? What are your opinions? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I want her back in my life. I will wait for her. 2 months since breakup. 3 months since her fathers death, and she is still in my thoughts and prayers every day and night. I love her dearly. Please help.

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I think a simple you are in my thoughts and prayers each day is a good way to start. Also I am here for you if you want to talk, acknowledge that you miss her dad and her in your life. Leave it simple...her loss is great and she is still in shock. I wish there were easy answers but I do not think there is. good luck she will come around.

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Do I even dare to attempt to convey those messages? She doesn't want me to call. How do I convey a message to her without her freaking out and getting upset at me? I don't even know if she still loves me. I imagine she does to soem degree, but I don't know anything about the situation anymore. I don't know her emotions.

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Hi REM. There are many other posts on this site about relationship break-ups. This seems to happen a lot when people are in grief. I think the reason is because the grief is so completely overwhelming. 'Disabling' might be a better word.

It's extraordinarily hard to explain the depth of grief and despair after a family member dies. I don't like to say this, but until you've been through serious grief, you just can't know what it's like.

The general advice here seems to be to give that other person you care about, and who is grieving, plenty of personal space. In other words, don't crowd her or pressure your woman friend in any way.

That's not to say that communication with a grieving person is out of the question. On the contrary! We who grieve do need support. But trying to reengage a grieving person to make commitments or get re-involved in romance can totally backfire. I lost a woman friend when she went through the grief of losing her sister. I crowded her, and she gave me the heave ho!

If you still have open lines of communication with your woman friend, restraint in what you say is important. If you have overworked your communications with her, then it's going to be more difficult. The one thing that seems right, is just to say that you care. Keep it simple. If you yourself could experience her loss, her despair, her mood swings and emotions, then perhaps you'd seriously rethink what you communicate to her.

Perhaps a time-frame for grief will be helpful for you. A normal period of grief generally lasts about 6 months, though that can vary widely. Your woman friend is only at the 3 month mark, and probably still seriously grieving. Think of it like a storm. You are not going to run out into your garden and plant things while the storm rages. Realize as best you can her state of mind, and have some patience until the worst of the storm passes.

By the way, your feelings right now about possibly losing your woman friend are in fact the stuff of grief. And your grief isn't for nothing; you will learn from it. It will help you understand what your woman friend is going through. Be patient, and good luck!

Ron B.

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I think you are the second person to email me about this type of situation. I wish I could give you great advice, but all I can do is share from my experience.

As of now, my g/f and I are doing great. I don’t know the exact quote from the bible, but it goes something like…blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. It seems like an eternity, but I see her slowly changing. I’m sure she will never be 100% the person she was before her mom passed, but I see someone who is now able to visualize a future. We are living together, and saving to be married next year. She has a lot of things going on in her life that have been blessings, hopefully I am one of them.

Q. How long after the death did she start to come around and talk to you again?

A. Well that is hard to say, because some days I thought we were talking like we would be back together. Instead, the next day she would say it is over. I would say it took about 2 months before we got on a track of spending time together again. It started slow, and there were so many obstacles…but eventually it happened.

Q. How long before you were a couple again?

A. I would say after about 3 months of being together did we become a couple again. But in all honesty, it wasn’t till about 6 months did I feel some sort of security in our relationship.

Q. What kind of things did you say to her that helped her through it?

A. What you will find out one way or another, is that it isn’t what I said to help her. I can’t…and they are just words. If I could give a bad analogy, I imagine it’s like someone telling you everything is ok while you are on fire. The words don’t mean anything. I don’t know the feeling of losing a parent, but what I see in her is so much pain and sadness. My words won’t ever help anything. I learned a lesson that I can’t do anything. All I can do is be there if she needs me, and not be there if she wants to be alone.

What I did was to stop texting or calling initially. I would email her instead. I would suggest maybe writing a letter ( I wanted to, but she moved and did not let me know where she went). Don’t focus on your relationship, instead let her know you are there if she ever needs you. Also, I would suggest a lot of prayer. I 100% credit our relationship on that. I struggled with God and when I started giving up, he took over and changed the situation when I thought there was no way we would be together.

Anyway, that is my 2 cents.

Lots of luck

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Thanks for the feedback. I don't think I can email her. I just got a new one, and it may surprise her or her spam filter may block it. I want to send a text or that pillow saying "Thinking of you. If you want to talk, I'd listen." But I don't even know if that is the right thing to say or do. I don't know what to say. I know words don't mean anything, but they could still hurt her bad. How long do I wait to give her time before I even say some simple words to say I'm there if you need me? I know I don't want to force any topic. I just want her to get better, accept things, and be able to know she is still cared about.

I just can't think. I've been grieving for these 2 months. I see a therapist. I just want as much knowledge and guidance as I can get. Thank you all for your help.

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I'm going to wait and hold out for about 2-3 more weeks before anything happens. Even though it's killing me. I feel for anyone else going through this. It's such a tough thing to do. I know if I make it through this, me and my gf will be stronger than ever, but it'll be bad for me if we can't work through this.

--REM

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REM,

I'm sorry I missed your post earlier...I went through this too only in my case my fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying and we didn't have any contact for two months, and then he called me after she died but he's never resumed our relationship, even though he calls me almost every day, just as a "friend".

If she has specifically asked you not to call, you have to respect her wishes, to do otherwise would put pressure on her that she'd resent and it'd also be disrespecting her wishes. She's already felt powerless when she lost her parent because no one asked her if she wanted to go through that but she had to anyway, so it's important to her to be heard and her opinion valued. Right now I'd give her her space. Maybe you could send her a simple note eventually just saying you're thinking of and praying for her, nothing more. Do not say "I love you" or "I miss you", she already knows that, and that's a type of pressure they resent and it's almost like groveling since she cut you off, it's important you have self-respect and not appear needy to her, which would just devalue you in her eyes.

Somewhere in here I posted a link to a site that gave a list of things to do when your GF/BF breaks up with you and you still want reconciliation, I'll re-post it because I think Don Ho has some good points there:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t250552/

Good luck, I hope all works out for you.

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I want to make her feel empowered, but I also want to talk to her. I want her to know, "When you're ready, I'll listen." She would then know she has someone who will listen, not judge or make suggestions. Just let her get her emotions out there. And she knows that she can count on me and the idea would be in her head. I was thinking about doing it for father's day (which made me cry and hit me like a ton of bricks), but I decided against it. I may text her those words in the week.

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So I decided to text her. I probably made a mistake. I gave her as much power as I could, I said when she is ready, I would listen. I really need her in my life again because I can barely stand life without her. I feel confident that if I can get her to repsond to me, then we will work it out, but with the distance being so long, I don't know if I can intrigue her to take that first step.

What can I do? For me and for her? I want ot be casual. I want ot start anew. I want to take our time, but I can't wait anymore. But I can't live without her. I'm torn and I cry everyday. I'm optimistic, but that's all I got going for me. I'm scared. Please help. I'm so lonely and scared.

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Rem, I'm so sorry for the loss of your girlfriends father and now the grief that you are experiencing with your relationship. I lost my Dad suddenly just over 18months ago, you've probably seen some of my responses to others on here. Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix or help (in the sense that we generally understand the concept of helping). Letting her know you're there when she is ready in text does help, even if you don't get a response, somewhere inside that is appreciated by her but for now is completely over taken by the loss of her Dad, nothing else can take any priority in her mind this early. At 3 months I was barely back to work, still did not want to talk or see anyone so I did a lot of ignoring of texts, calls, emails except for saying thanks once in a while but that was as much as I could do.

You say you can't wait anymore, unfortunately with regards to your relationship with her you cannot push it or her, based on my experience of my situation (I didn't have a boyfriend) but the more anyone pushed for me to be "ok" the further I ran from those people to this day, the pressure although I know it was not intended as pressure but it was overwhelming to me. Nobody can speed anything up, the patience needed is enormous, sometimes its not even possible for some to have the pateince needed when someone's grief can so debilitating.

For now you are also grieving yourself for this relationship but somewhere there is a chance for this, it's not impossible for you to have the relationship back but with her Dad, he's gone from this physical world forever, no chance of him coming back and the shock, fear, loneliness, emptiness,pain, sadness is beyond crushing and is truly beyond any comprehension unless someone has experienced grief due to bereavement.

If you do come to talk anytime soon, I think it's crucial you don't express how much you need her, how lost you are without her and so on, for now that is too much pressure for her, right now she needs everyone else around her to hold her up, she has zero strength to hold anyone up, allow anyone to lean on her, it's all about her right now, her feelings, what she needs and wants. Does that sound selfish, yes I guess it does, but it's not a choice in my opinion, it's simply how things are for some people when grieving and the most important thing is that someone grieving does things their way, it's about basic survival. So keep talking here, with your friends, with your counsellor about those feelings.

Just like you cannot fix things for your girlfriend, we cannot fix things for you, all we can do is listen, share our experiences and I'm sure you'll probably notice on here that different people deal in different ways with grief,people have different needs and they key is there is no right or wrong way, just whatever way that person deals is right for them

For me personally, I felt like my friends never gave up on me, they left me be when I could not talk, take calls etc but they would send a text or email at least once a week saying something like "thinking of you", "sending you a hug" and so on, nothing that required any response from me, no questions about how I was, just a gentle reminder that they were still there in the background waiting for me. I didn't respond to each and every message, I just didn't have the energy, didn't have words or thoughts that I could express or wanted to express to them but through the last 18months, I have never ever forgotten that they never gave up on me. Maybe friendships are different to relationships, a friend will wait forever, but with relationships I guess people have their limits on how long they are "willing to wait" because it's a different type of relationship.

It's just impossible to say with any how it will turn out, because the grief is as unique as DNA for every single individual.

as usual, I wish there were answers for all of it, but there are none. All I can say is keep expressing your feelings to your support network,

I wish you nothing but peace and comfort during this awful time & only hope in time things will work out with you both.

Niamh

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I'm willing to wait again. I've been having panic attacks these past few days. And I wrote it during then. Once a month, I plan to say something like 'thinking of you'. To show I'm not giving up on her. Even with no response, I hope she is ok.

However, I did something else. I needed to do it. Only two people could ever calm me down from a breakdown. This is my ex, and her mom. I contacted her mom telling her that my mom and my grandma went into the hospital. Grandma with the 11th memorial of the burying of her husband tried to commit suicide by drinking herself into a stupor. She may have a bad heart now and have problems. My mom has somehting wrong with her intestines, and maybe her liver. I was and am having a tough time with that. My dad is out of town. I hope her mom could help me out with those problems. I shouldn't have done it. But my own grief is piling up on so many levels, I cannot deal with it anymore. All my friends are out of state due to college except a few came back for summer (thank god). Every day makes me afraid.

I see a therapist once a week. He couldn't believe it when he heard the news about my grandma. Today my mom now. He will be dumbfounded I bet. I will wait for my gf for as long as she needs. Telling her every once in a while, thinking of you. or something like that. She deserves it. But I need something for me. Some major hugs or something. Too much going on...Why? Why me? Why all at once? Stressed is an understatement. So is sad.

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Hello REM—

I have been following your story to receive helpful tips on a similar situation that I am facing as well. It is nice to be able to come onto this site and share your situation with strangers going through the same things. I just wanted to say to you, that I admire your strength and will to triumph through this messy time in your life. I want to remind you to stay strong and that there are many people counting on you right now to just remain positive of this all turning out to be okay in the end.

Now, I understand that you are going through a stressful time right now –both with your mother and grandmother being in the hospital. But if there is anything that I may ask of you, it is to put your faith in God. He can do so much more for you, than your girlfriend or her mother ever could. When you are feeling alone, sit in a quiet room by yourself, JUST FOR A FEW MINUTES, and tell him out loud --all of what is going on. Cry out loud if you need to. He is listening. I promise you, it helps to let it out. You have so much going on inside of you, your mind probably racing every minute of the day. LET IT ALL OUT. Release the turmoil from inside of you. Release the anger that she has broken up with you without an explanation. Release the tears of loneliness that you are feeling now. LET IS ALL OUT. Yell if you need to. And once you do all of that, you’ll find yourself sitting in silence. Your mind will have nothing left to think about, because you just let it all out. You’ll feel refreshed, even if it is just for an hour or so. It will help.

Now, obviously you cannot repeat this exercise every time you are feeling this way, but sometimes you can get a pen and a pad, keeping it handy with you throughout the day and just write everything down. If you are angry, write that you are angry. Then explain why. Explain what will make you feel better. Make it very clear.

As far as what is going on with your girlfriend right now. She is not herself. She needs time to heal, and unfortunately –she has enough going on in her life, to be dealing with anymore. I know –BELIEVE ME—how awful it is, and how crazy it can make you, each time someone tells me I need to give something “THE TIME”, and to be patient. I hate it too. But it is the only way. If you want her back, you need to prove that you are listening to her. When she is saying that she needs some time apart, listen to her, respect her thoughts, and instead of telling her what you want differently –tell God. He can change her mind. You cannot. Her mother cannot. Just because she said it was over now, doesn’t mean her words are set in stone until the end of time. Nothing she ever says is permanent. Just allow her a little while to have a change of heart. Speak to the higher power.

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I didn't want to actually talk to her mother about my girlfriend. I just wanted some help for myself. She is a much wiser person than I am and she always helped and knew what to say.

I pray everyday. Cry when I have to. I do as much to let out my emotions as possible. I have faith. I put it in God's hands. There isn't anything I can do except wait. I will...no matter the time. I don't want anyone else but her. The emotional tie we have together is stronger than anything. Not even this can break it. It just hurts sometimes, ya know? I'll keep you all updated on the situation.

Hopefully after I'm able to get my head calmed down, life straightened out, I can help others' problems too with the things I have learned here. I thank you all for the time and support.

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I am sorry you are going through so much at once. Hang in there and try to stay in one day at a time and focus on what you can do rather than what you can't. My heart goes out to you.

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She got a new boyfriend...I'll try to be firends with her. But I can't hang on to her anymore. Especially now. I probably won't post again for a long time. I know I need to meet new people and do what's best for me now. I need a friend here where I live to hug and cry on.

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REM,

You do need someone, I am sorry about your grandma and mm and your XGF, just all you're going through. It does seem like it pours at once, doesn't it? My prayers are with you and haveFaith both tonight.

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