Perkins808 Posted June 17, 2011 Report Share Posted June 17, 2011 So 11 months ago today I lost my husband, to cardiac arrest....when we thought stage 4 esophageal cancer was ultimately going to take his life. How ironic that on his death certificate it lists first - cardiac arrest, second - ventricular fibrillation....and the cancer is last. Last night was the third night in a row that I woke up from a bad dream, reliving the nightmare of how Jeff died. Doing CPR, watching the color drain from his face....I'm right back there again. I even hear my own voice screaming for him not to leave me. Not sure what has brought this back again, I used to have this nightmare every night, but it's been a while. This has been an overwhelming week. Check engine lights, error codes on the washing machine, I destroyed the lawn mower by running over a stump, lots of stress at work and then lots of kid stuff to deal with. Maybe the stress of dealing with it all alone is bringing out nightmares again? I lay in bed at night dreading falling asleep.....because I don't want to see my husbands face the way he looked on the night he died. So my positive outlook on life has kind of escaped me for a moment....I'm hoping it comes back soon. Hugs, Tammy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Dear Tammy, I wish there were something I could say that would really take this pain away from you. I know stress can trigger really nasty grief-storms. i am convinced my own recent struggles are partly the result of stress and exhaustion. I even had to take a nap earlier because I could not keep my eyes open. But this is not about my struggles--which are minor compared to what you are describing. The best i can do here is put my electronic arms around you in a comforting hug and wish you the strength and faith of a mustard seed. You will stay in my thoughts, meditations and prayers throughout this night. And I will check in on you here every little while tonight. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Tammy, dear, I'm so sorry that you've hit these proverbial bumps in the road ~ You've had a very stressful week, the first anniversary of your beloved's death is approaching, and now you are sleep-deprived. This is a perfect recipe for producing restless sleep and bad dreams. You may find these articles to be helpful: Persistent Dreams in Grief Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perkins808 Posted June 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Thank you Harry for your kind words, and thank you Marty ~ I think it's time to dig out the guided imagery CD's for bedtime again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Hi Tammy, I know about those dreams...had a bad one this week. Woke me up at 3am and I was up for the night. I agree that when we get over tired, stressed and things go wrong the dreams creep in. I am so sorry for your pain and loss and dealing with kid stuff does not make it easier. Running over a tree stump and ruining the mower and all the rest of your week set you up and the anniversary stuff as well. I find that preceding an anniversary (next week would be our 25th wedding anniversary) that I am more stressed, cry more and when the day finally arrives it is sometimes easier than the week or weeks preceding the event. I hope your week ahead smoothes out a bit. I know that picture of your dying husband...that is what woke me up this week and it is hard, so hard, to shake. I am just sorry and I send you warmth and love and hugs. I felt like I went backwards also but I know better. healing is not a straight line...sometimes it looks like our national debt...up, down, down, up, way down, up a little. Hang in there. You are not alone. Peace to your heart. I hold you in the light. Mary mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 18, 2011 Report Share Posted June 18, 2011 Marty, the article on dreams is very good and quite helpful. I just read it. Thank you, Mary mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted June 19, 2011 Report Share Posted June 19, 2011 Tammy, I wish there was something I could write to make you feel a little better. I do know exactly what you are talking about when you said you were doing CPR and Jeff's face. I have not had any recent nightmares of Ruth's face when I found her and tried to help her but it still is the thing that upsets me the most. Take care............... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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