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So 11 months ago today I lost my husband, to cardiac arrest....when we thought stage 4 esophageal cancer was ultimately going to take his life.

How ironic that on his death certificate it lists first - cardiac arrest, second - ventricular fibrillation....and the cancer is last.

Last night was the third night in a row that I woke up from a bad dream, reliving the nightmare of how Jeff died. Doing CPR, watching the color drain from his face....I'm right back there again. I even hear my own voice screaming for him not to leave me. Not sure what has brought this back again, I used to have this nightmare every night, but it's been a while.

This has been an overwhelming week. Check engine lights, error codes on the washing machine, I destroyed the lawn mower by running over a stump, lots of stress at work and then lots of kid stuff to deal with. Maybe the stress of dealing with it all alone is bringing out nightmares again? I lay in bed at night dreading falling asleep.....because I don't want to see my husbands face the way he looked on the night he died.

So my positive outlook on life has kind of escaped me for a moment....I'm hoping it comes back soon. :(



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Dear Tammy,

I wish there were something I could say that would really take this pain away from you. I know stress can trigger really nasty grief-storms. i am convinced my own recent struggles are partly the result of stress and exhaustion. I even had to take a nap earlier because I could not keep my eyes open.

But this is not about my struggles--which are minor compared to what you are describing.

The best i can do here is put my electronic arms around you in a comforting hug and wish you the strength and faith of a mustard seed. You will stay in my thoughts, meditations and prayers throughout this night. And I will check in on you here every little while tonight.



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Tammy, dear, I'm so sorry that you've hit these proverbial bumps in the road ~ You've had a very stressful week, the first anniversary of your beloved's death is approaching, and now you are sleep-deprived. This is a perfect recipe for producing restless sleep and bad dreams. You may find these articles to be helpful:

Persistent Dreams in Grief

Tips for Coping with Sleeplessness in Grief

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Hi Tammy,

I know about those dreams...had a bad one this week. Woke me up at 3am and I was up for the night. I agree that when we get over tired, stressed and things go wrong the dreams creep in. I am so sorry for your pain and loss and dealing with kid stuff does not make it easier. Running over a tree stump and ruining the mower and all the rest of your week set you up and the anniversary stuff as well. I find that preceding an anniversary (next week would be our 25th wedding anniversary) that I am more stressed, cry more and when the day finally arrives it is sometimes easier than the week or weeks preceding the event. I hope your week ahead smoothes out a bit. I know that picture of your dying husband...that is what woke me up this week and it is hard, so hard, to shake. I am just sorry and I send you warmth and love and hugs. I felt like I went backwards also but I know better. healing is not a straight line...sometimes it looks like our national debt...up, down, down, up, way down, up a little. Hang in there. You are not alone. Peace to your heart. I hold you in the light. Mary mfh

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Marty, the article on dreams is very good and quite helpful. I just read it. Thank you, Mary mfh

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Tammy, I wish there was something I could write to make you feel a little better.

I do know exactly what you are talking about when you said you were doing CPR and Jeff's face. I have not had any recent nightmares of Ruth's face when I found her and tried to help her but it still is the thing that upsets me the most.

Take care...............

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